So This Is It
by Michelle Loves Chocolate 99
Summary: Ponyboy's life goes spiraling out of control after one fatal mistake. The only people who can reel him back in aren't around. Pony's world is just crumbling beneath him, and he just can't seem to pull himself together all because of social services. Will he be able to make it?
1. Boys Home

_**Hey guys! **_

_**So this idea just popped in my head this morning. I've always wanted to write one of these kinds of stories and it seems like a lot of people have written one too, so I was like what the heck. I'll try to keep this as realistic as possible but research can only get me so far. I know this isn't completely accurate, plus the stuff I did find for this story is for present time and not the 60's. Also, I may or may not continue depending on your guy's thoughts. If I do, this whole story will last until Pony catches up to where he's seventeen. Also lastly, Pony is fourteen for the majority of this chapter and it takes place two months after the Outsiders. I hope you enjoy!**_

_**Disclaimer: I do not own the Outsiders, but desperately wish I did! :)**_

* * *

_**So This Is It**_

**Chapter One**

So this is it. I'm finally back, it's all I ever dreamed and ever wanted, but I find myself hesitating on pulling this handle to open the car door. My hand rests on it, sweaty and damp. Half of of me wants to throw that door open and run, the other half just wants to sit there forever. Is this too good to be true? I've waited so long for this moment and now I don't think I can do it.

"You ready?" the woman in the driver's seat in front of me says and I'm not sure what to answer because I really don't know. I see Darry open the front door, taking a step onto the porch. This really is real, and it scares me. All I could think about was what got me here where I am today. I just turned seventeen a few weeks ago and been stuck in custody of the state for the past three years. I've missed out on a lot during that period, and as much as I want to catch up on that, I don't.

I don't want to hear about how they all moved on without me. I couldn't move on but they probably did, after all, they are stronger than I am. I just couldn't help but miss them everyday, think about them everyday. You know it's not good when you find yourself even missing Steve Randle, or getting jumped by Socs. It's quite horrible if you ask me because I feel like none of them are worth missing, but sure enough during the past two and a half years I would have killed to have someone in a madras shirt driving a tuff car call me "grease."

I missed our crummy neighborhood in Tulsa and now that I'm back in my beloved home that I itched to see again, I find myself thinking about the journey I took to get back to sitting in this car, holding onto this handle with sweaty palms. It all started pulling away from a similar scene like this. The car was identical, the houses and neighborhood were the same, just slightly less rundown, old, and trashed…

oOo

I didn't cry, at least not until I knew I was a couple blocks away. I held it in until I couldn't hold it in anymore. I sat in the backseat, holding my backpack tightly against my chest, like a kindergartner who doesn't want to go to school but their parents are forcing them anyway. I felt like that was happening too, I technically was being forced to go somewhere that I didn't want to go.

Darry was always scared this could happen and Soda and I never believed it actually would. It was just typical Darry worrying about everything that possibly could go wrong and when Darry made a mistake, well Soda and I still thought nothing would happen, but something did happen. What Darry did caused me to sit in the back of this car, driving me away from the remains of my family and the only home I never knew.

It wasn't fair though; Soda got to stay, why couldn't I? The state and their rules are stupid and I just wished they'd go out and help kids who need help and not kids who are fine like I was. It was a mistake, everybody makes them and afterwards move on and forget about them. Why couldn't the state do that? It seemed fair to me. Gosh though, why couldn't Soda be taken too? It would just make things so much easier on me, at least he'd be sitting next to me, which is a million times better than being alone.

Two months ago I loved being alone, heck even the day before this I loved being alone but now I don't like it. It makes be feel icky and horrible. I almost feel abandon, even though I know they won't abandon me-Darry and Soda, they would never, they're my brothers, they'll fight this until they literally can't fight no more and I'm going to do the same, or at least try.

It felt like forever and a day until the lady driving the car, my social worker Ms. Dailey, stopped the car in front of a building, actually it was a house-a big house with a tall fence surrounding it and a sign on the gate that read "Oklahoma City's Home for Boys" and I instantly knew that fence wasn't just to keep people from getting in, but out as well. Two guards opened the gate and Ms. Dailey drove up the driveway. I always liked her. She was always very nice and patient with my family. She had dirty blond hair that was always up in a bun and a smile from ear to ear planted on her face. But now, I'm not so sure if I liked her anymore, after all she was the one who drove me to this place.

"Well, we're here," she said with a sigh while turning her head back to face me. Even though there was no one in the passenger seat it was a rule that I had to sit in the back, which I think was stupid. "You ready to go in?"

I wanted to say no because that was the truth but I had to lie because even if I was ready or not, I still had to walk through those doors and into that building. I just simply nodded instead. The tears stopped falling about half an hour ago and my face was sticky and hard where they dried. I clutched my backpack's strap in my fist as I pulled on the door handle, reluctantly getting out of the car.

"It will be alright," Ms. Dailey told me with an encouraging smile, or a meant to be encouraging smile. "This place isn't that bad, and you shouldn't be here long. Normally foster families don't take children your age, but I'm sure it won't be that hard for me to find you a family."

_I already have a family, _I thought while I followed her to the big double entrance doors. I couldn't believe it though. This was my brothers and I's worse dream since my parents died coming true. My stomach dropped to the floor as I stepped inside. We were both greeted by some man.

"Ponyboy, this is Mr. Smith, he's in charge around here. I must be going, it's another long drive back to Tulsa."

The man shook the woman's hand. "Thank you for bringing him down here Melissa. It was a pleasure seeing you again."

Ms. Dailey nodded and left me alone with Mr. Smith. He was a big guy, stout and round, with hint of beard. He reminded my of that guy Jerry, that school teacher in Windrixville who was too heavy to fit through the window during that fire.

"Come with me son." The man waved his hand as he started walking down the hallway, and I followed. We went up a staircase to the top, and third floor and took me to a small room with two bunk beds cramped inside. The walkway between the two beds was probably about three feet wide.

"That's your bed," he said while pointing to the bottom bunk on the right. He told me to put my bag on it and I did. "Your bag will be searched for weapons or drugs. I hope you didn't bring anything like that with you."

I did. I had a half pack of cigarettes that Two-Bit gave me and a lighter in my jeans pocket and a full pack in my backpack.

"You'll be in here when you're sleeping so don't worry about the space," Mr. Smith said as he lead me out of the room. "You are allowed on the third floor and second floor only. Third floor is just bedrooms and the room over there," he pointed down the hall to a doorway with no door. "That is the wreck room, bathroom is right next to it."

We walked down the stairs again and he led me down another hallway. "Second floor is the where the school is and a cafeteria. Meals are served three times a day, breakfast, lunch, and dinner. You are required to be in the cafeteria for every meal." He pointed down the hall again to another doorway with no door. I could tell it was the cafeteria from the tables I saw.

He opened a door which brought me into an office. He pointed at a chair in front of his desk while he sat behind it. I sat down in it and folded my hands in my lap. I felt like I was talking to the principal after getting in trouble at school, especially since the man hasn't smiled at all since I met him. His face just stayed dull and grumpy the entire time like it was frozen that way.

"Since tomorrow is Wednesday, and it is a school day, you are required to attend school. You're classroom is room 3A, which is right next to the cafeteria. Your teacher will be Ms. Phillips. After lunch we allow an hour for you to be outside and enjoy the fresh air if the weather allows it. If it's too cold or hot, raining or snowing we will not allow you outside. If you got into any trouble at all, we will not allow you outside, is that understood?"

I nodded my head, a little afraid to speak, but I guess that wasn't the answer he wanted.

"Is that understood?" he asked, slightly raising his voice.

"Yes Sir."

Mr. Smith nodded his head in approval of my answer. "Good to hear. Like I said earlier, there are no drugs or weapons allowed, if you have any on you, I suggest you hand them over right now so you don't get into trouble later."

I hesitated. It's like he knew I had a pack of smokes in my pocket. I sighed and reached into it and dug out the half carton and the lighter and reluctantly placed them on his desk. _I am going to go crazy without those things. _

"It's nice to know we have someone who's honest living here. As well of the no drugs or weapons rule, there is no fighting with the other boys or adults. It is not tolerated here and there will be consequences for behavior like that. Lights out is at ten o'clock and breakfast is served at seven thirty. You are allowed to make phone calls and have visitors but since you are new here, for adjustment you are not allowed to have them until we believe you are ready. If you break any rules that will also prevent you from those privileges as well. Is that clear?"

I nodded my head. "Yes Sir. It's crystal."

Mr. Smith nodded. "Alright then. Go on, we're all done here."

I stood up from my chair and glanced at the clock before heading out. It was already eight thirty. I've been in this miserable place for hour, which is an hour too long. I should be at home, sitting on the couch reading a book while Darry sits in the recliner reading the newspaper and Soda does whatever Sodapops do! He's too unpredictable sometimes. Instead I'm an hour and a half away in Oklahoma City walking to the third floor of a boys home. It's definitely not my cup of tea.

I went into the bathroom and completely avoided looking into the wreck room where all the other boys living here were. I didn't want to meet them even though I knew I eventually would have to, three of them are my roommates after all.

I splashed water onto my face. I just had to live here for a little bit. Darry would fix this like he always does and everything will go back to normal. I just had to get over living here for a few days. I looked at myself in the mirror after I dried my wet face and sighed. What I really needed was a cigarette but I didn't have any.

I left the bathroom and went to the room I was in earlier, my bedroom, but at the moment I refused to call it that. My bedroom was in Tulsa at my house where Soda slept next to me at night, not this cramped little bunk bed filled room. This was my temporary place to sleep, not my bedroom.

My bag laid on top of it of the bed, just where I left it when Mr. Smith was showing me around. I jumped for it as hope filled my body and hastily started digging into it, but all hope drained out when I found out that it really was searched and those cigarettes I left in there were no longer there. I lied down disappointingly on my "bed." The mattress was softer than the one Soda and I slept on, but I didn't like it. I didn't like anything there and I thought that as tears slipped out of my eyes again, and before I knew it, I was asleep.

But it didn't last long…

I woke up I don't know when, heavily breathing and slightly scared. Actually, scratch that, I was very scared. The room was dark, someone turned off the light I left on when I dozed off. I looked over to the bed across from me and spotted someone sleeping in the bed. I was glad my nightmare didn't wake anyone up, that would've been embarrassing.

I sighed and closed my eyes, turning my head towards the wall. There may have been three other people in the room, but I felt more alone than ever and was too scared to fall back asleep on my own.

* * *

_**I hope you liked it. I'll update probably next week-ish. Don't forget to review and let me know if I should continue with this or not. I personally am not sure if I like it or not, so please let me know in a review! Also there is a poll on my profile concerning this story. Please vote.**_

_**Thanks for reading!**_

_**-Michelle Loves Chocolate 99**_


	2. Fight

_**So This Is It**_

**Chapter Two**

"Curtis, you better hurry up!"

An object was thrown at my head as I was rudely awaken. I threw the pillow across the walkway onto Jack's bed as he left the room. He was the only roommate I really liked, actually he was the only one in the home I liked. He made sure I got up on time in the mornings and I highly appreciated it, but he wasn't my friend though. He didn't care too much for me while everyone else seemed to hate me even though this was my fourth day living here.

I pulled my shirt off only to put a cleaner one on then quickly put on a pair of jeans. I stumbled out of the room as I slipped my converse shoes over my feet and ran down the stairs, headed towards the cafeteria. I barely made it to breakfast on time, I always barely make it. I'm always the last one in line and the last one to get a seat… Not that I cared or anything. The only person I would sit with here is Jack but I know he doesn't want to sit with me. I'd rather sit by myself.

I had my own table and everything at this place. It was in the corner. I felt like that new kid that comes to school in the middle of the year, and since it's the middle of the year, everybody already has their friends and gangs, and that kid has no one. I'm that new loser kid. Now sitting by myself as I eat whatever nasty watery stuff is on my plate I found a new respect for those new kids. I felt as icky and unwanted as my breakfast.

I rotated my fork into what I think was scrambled eggs and thought of my brother Soda. He loved scrambled eggs, but he never ate them like a normal person. He always put grape jelly on top of them. I always thought it was gross, the combination didn't look right. One day he actually made me try them and it honestly was repulsive. But I'd rather eat Soda's jelly eggs instead of this place's lame excuse for breakfast. I'd probably die of starvation before Darry could get me out of this place but I didn't care. The food was gross.

I wondered what my brothers were doing at that moment. Probably cooking breakfast themselves and hurrying to get out of the house before they were late for work. Maybe having me out of their way was a good thing. One less mouth to feed, one less person to worry about… it'd save them a lot of money that's for sure, but Darry told me he was going to get me back and I believed him. I didn't want to stay in this dump anyways.

I threw away the remains of my plate, which was a lot since I only nibbled at it and repeated exactly what I did Wednesday and Thursday-school. School here wasn't the same. They technically give you a book, tell you to read and expect you to take a test over each chapter without having a teacher give you any instruction. It was like a study hall, but mainly everyone just joked around, well everyone except me. I studied and prepared myself for whatever was going to be on our test because that's what Darry would've wanted me to do.

It was hard though. I'm smart, yeah, but teachers show you how to do math problems on a chalkboard and give you tips, or explain deeper about historical events that the book didn't point out to make things easier for you to learn. I didn't have a teacher, just a book, and I also had no idea what was going to be on the test either so that made it even harder for me to study, but I kept doing it. I just wanted to ace that test for Darry.

Someone shouted and a crash was followed quickly after that. I look up to see one of my roommates, Jeremy, standing over someone who was one the floor. The guy stumbled up on his feet and immediately began charging after Jeremy. Jeremy swayed away from the punch.

"Hey now!" my teacher, Ms. Phillips yelled from behind her desk. I didn't like her. She's not a real teacher, during class she does crossword and word search puzzles from the newspaper. Ms. Phillips is an older lady, probably in her fifties, and like Mr. Smith, she was a little on the heavy side. A bored, dull look was always planted on her face and it was always kind of creepy, but now that creepy look turned into an angry one as she yelled at the two boys fighting in front of my desk.

"Take your seats gentlemen, I've about had it with you two. One more screw up and you're out!"

Jeremy and the other kid locked eyes, you could just feel the hatred in the room. They just stood there, like they were telepathically talking to each other, reading their own minds ignoring what Ms. Phillips told them. The deathly glare she was giving them made me shiver.

"Now gentlemen!"

They went back to their seats and the room went back to being crazy and loud, but Jeremy and the other kid still kept their eyes locked.

When lunch came, I took my seat at my table, but was startled when Jack and another kid sat down with me with their trays of some sort of food.

"Hey Curtis." Jack never called me by my first name, and I didn't mind it. I liked my name and all, but it was a cause to a lot of bullying sometimes. Tip of advice to whoever is reading this, try not to name your children things that could cause them to get picked on at school.

Jack was a year older than me at fifteen, he was taller than me and stronger than me, and was what girls would call attractive. His hair was brown and was greased similar to how Soda fixed his hair and his eyes were green like mine. The guy he brought with him though was the complete opposite.

His eyes were green like Jack's, but his hair was blonde and shaggy, it was little bit darker than Dallas's and his build was tiny. He look weak and small, he was kind of like a stick person almost. He reminded me of a shorter version of that Shaggy guy from Scooby-Doo. He looked like a toothpick. It surprised me because people tell me I'm small, but this kid just redefined the entire word.

"Curtis, this is my little brother Whitney. Whitney, this is Curtis."

Whitney gave me an awkward smile before diving his spoon into a bowl of goo. He swallowed it and made a face before dumping is spoon back in only to eat some more. I don't get why the poor kid is still eating that stuff.

"I hate this place," Jack complained, stirring his spoon in his bowl. "The least they could do is give us real food. What is this shit anyway? Chili?"

Whitney shrugged. "I don't know. Stew maybe."

Jack shivered. "I feel like we're better off eating dog food or even cat litter." He dug his spoon into the dark, thick junk and swallowed it down with a gulp. "So anyway Curtis, I heard there was a fight between Jeremy and Big Billy today. What happened?"

Boy, did he look excited. His green eyes were lit like firecrackers. I never cared for fights, it's useless and a waste of time. I only believe in it when it comes to self defense and that's it, but other people really dug it and I guess Jack was one of those people.

I just shrugged. "Nothing exciting, teacher broke it up before anything really happened." The light in his eyes went away. "But uh, Big Billy was on the ground for a few seconds. He attempted to go after Jeremy but Ms. Phillips stopped it there."

"Man, I wish I was there." He threw his spoon into his bowl and sighed. "All the adults here always ruin everything for us. They took away smoking, fighting, and are even considering getting rid of the TV in the wreck room. I hate this place. I can't wait til I get out of this fucking place when I'm eighteen, and once I'm out I'm getting Whitney out of state's custody."

I sighed. "My brother's trying to get me out of here himself."

"No kidding!" Jack took another bite of the dark goo. "Why are you here anyway kid? Parents in jail or somethin'?"

I shrugged. "Or somethin'. It doesn't matter though. I'm getting out of here soon."

I took a few bites out of the thick soup/chili/stew or whatever it was. It was better than the other meals I had here, probably one of the best but it was still disgusting. I took a few more since it one of the better tasting stuff I eaten since I left home a few days ago. I was probably starting to lose weight from not eating anything but nibbles and small bites. I needed something in my belly, so I finished the bowl.

It wasn't until we went outside after lunch that it happened. Most days we get to go outside for an hour, it's kind of like a recess even though everyone who lives here is twelve to seventeen. The mid-November air was slightly chilly, but not cold. We don't get a lot of exercise being cooped up in that house all day. There are a couple of tables and which people play cards with and there's usually a game of football going on and another game of soccer for those who want to play. People were always smoking too, how in the world they get a hold of cigarettes and lighters is beyond me and the guards didn't seem to even care either.

I made the mistake to hang out of Jack and his little brother Whitney. Like at lunch and other meals, I've spent my outdoor time alone, but since Jack and Whitney hung out with my then, it seemed like a good idea to hang out with them here. Whitney was pretty nice, a million times quieter than his brother but he was cool and didn't seem to mind me.

We sat at a table and Jack pulled out a pack of cigarettes. He lit one up before passing the carton and lighter to Whitney who passed it back to Jack. Jack offered me one and I immediately snatched it out of his hand. I was craving one of these for days and my hand shook so much it was so hard to light the stick up.

I sucked on it for a second. It wasn't a Kool but I didn't care, it felt so good. "Where'd you get these?"

"Snatch them from teachers and the other adults who work around here. Some of them are ones that are confiscated from new people, the others are from adults and teachers themselves. Guards don't care. They're just out here to make sure no one makes a run for it really."

I raised an eyebrow. The fence in the back was covered with barbed wire, were people really that crazy enough to climb that to get out of this dump? I shook my head, the more I thought about it, the more I thought I shouldn't have been surprised. I personally wouldn't have tried it but other people here probably would.

I was about to ask Jack if I could have another cancer stick when out of the blue I see Jeremy and the guy who is supposedly named Big Billy going at it with each other. Punching, kicking, and everything. Jack's eyes lit up and he immediately stood up.

"C'mon!"

Jack ran towards the fight to get a better look at it and Whitney and I followed him. Whitney didn't seem all impressed with what was going on but on the other hand Jack looked like a little kid waiting for the piñata to burst at a birthday party. The two brothers were completely opposite from each other, they sort of reminded me of me and Soda. If Soda was here with me, he'd be dragging me over here to watch some fight for sure, but he's in Tulsa, and that's where I should be too. It felt like weeks since I've last seen Soda and Darry, but I knew it wasn't. I left them Tuesday afternoon and today was Friday.

A guard yelling brought me out of my thoughts. Darry was right, my head sure was up in the clouds a lot. Two guards pulled the two off each other while hollering at them about how much fighting was wrong, and I saw Jack's eyes go dull again.

"Just when things were gettin' good," he mumbled as we began to walk back to our table. I was just about to ask him for that second cigarette again when someone shouted something. I didn't know who it was but I just kept walking towards the table until I realized Whitney wasn't with us. I looked back and saw him talking to some guy who was probably between Jack and I's sizes. He looked pretty big though compared to Whitney's pipsqueak size.

I opened my mouth to ask Jack for the cigarette that I kept getting distracted from when it happened. It's like someone doesn't want me to have another smoke, but my craving quickly vanished as I saw that kid punch Whitney in the face. _Another fight, great._

"Jack!" I called out to my roommate, pointing towards the kid beating up Whitney with two other boys standing behind watching and laughing. "Your brother!"

Jack turned around and began running to the scene the moment he saw it and I followed. Jack grabbed the guy by his shirt, pulling him off of Whitney then punching him in the face. Blood poured out of his nose, and the two guys who were standing around went after Jack. I hated fights, but I couldn't just stand around and watch the only person who really talked to me lose because he was outnumbered.

I jumped into the mess. I made a couple of good swings, but took a couple to my abdomen and face too. They weren't soft hits either, they were hard and they hurt, but I didn't stop and stayed by Jack's side while Whitney back away, avoiding the mess. We were outnumbered, three to two, if Whitney jumped in things would even out but he didn't, wouldn't. I didn't really care though, I understood how Whitney felt and also Jack and I were doing pretty good. We were winning and things were going swell until the guards came yelling at us to break it up.

* * *

**So here's the thing. I'm still debating if I will continue this, so please express your opinion. Also again this story starts when Pony's fourteen and ends when he's seventeen so that means it's going to be a long story. Since it's the start of summer I'll try to get as many updates as I can until it ends but once school starts it's gonna be crazy but we won't worry about that until August since tomorrow is only the last day of May.**

**The original version of Scooby-Doo(Scooby-Doo, Where Are You!) didn't come out until 1969 which is a few years after the current time of the story which is '65 almost '66. I am aware of it but I couldn't think of anyone else I could use to help describe the kid Whitney. Sorry.**

**Thanks to those of you who reviewed! I usually thank people through PM but I can't always do that if people have it disabled or is an anonymous user so thanks if I haven't already thanked you and also thanks for all the faves and follows! It means a lot. Don't forget to leave a review please. That would be lovely.**

**Lastly, I don't normally write in 1st person. Am I doing okay? Portraying Ponyboy alright? Please tell me otherwise. Thanks! :)**

**-MLC 99**


	3. Mrs Johnson

_**So This Is It**_

**Chapter Three**

My lip was cut and was already starting to swell, but the worst part wasn't the pain, it was the repulsive taste of the blood that was flowing into my mouth. Two-Bit always told me that was the best part, but I totally disagree. I spit the thick, dark read liquid into the sink before grabbing a clean towel and placing it over the cut. Golly, did it hurt! It throbbed and I felt it pound against my fingers through the cloth like a drum.

Why did I have to get into a fight? I'm so stupid sometimes. It wasn't like Jack was my friend or anything. I shouldn't have went in to help him. God, why can't I just use my head? I never think and that's my biggest flaw.

A knock came the door and before I could say or do anything, Jack let himself in. He had a black eye and a bloody nose. He took the worst out of the two of us which I'm grateful for, but I'd be even more grateful if my lip didn't hurt like it did.

"Oh don't give me that look," he said to me and I didn't even realize I was giving him a look. "You choose to get yourself in there, I didn't make ya."

He threw the red, once white napkin he was using for his nose into the trash can, then tore a couple sheets of toilet paper off to replace the blood covered napkin he threw away. As he reach, I noticed something on his inner arm. Three dark scars were on his wrist and gulped. That definitely did not happen during the fight and I couldn't believe myself that I didn't notice it until now.

"What's on your wrist?" _God, I am so stupid! Did I seriously say that out loud? _I couldn't help it though and even though I knew what it was, I can't believe I still asked. I told you, I never think. Darry's right, Darry's always right.

Jack looked at it, and then showed it to me. "You mean this?" I nodded and felt even more ridiculously stupid. "It's my list."

I cocked my head to the side like a confused little puppy, and at that moment, I did feel like one. "List of what?"

"You're new to this whole system, ain't you Curtis? This is the third place I lived since the state took me away. It's how I keep track of how many places I lived. Some people crave it into their shoes, others, like me, make cuts deep enough to scar. You know Jeremy? He has eight lines on the bottom of his shoe. Mine's probably not going to get as big as that but yeah."

I rolled my eyes. "You're crazy."

Jack shrugged his shoulders. "Suit yourself Curtis." He began to walk out of the bathroom but stopped. "Oh, and I almost forgot, Mr. Smith wants to see you in his office immediately."

"About the fight?"

Jack shrugged again. "I don't know man. He's looking for you though and I wouldn't keep that man waiting."

Jack opened the bathroom door, making his way down the hall. I looked into the mirror and sighed, then ran out of the bathroom.

"Jack," I called to my friend. "Wait, why, why are you and Whitney here?"

Jack paused, slowly turning around on his heel and shrugged. "Curtis, I may absolutely hate it here, but this place is better than any other place I've ever lived at. It's doesn't matter why I'm here, what matters is that I'd rather be here than at home. You should know that yourself."

I sighed. Maybe this place wasn't all bad, but only for the people who needed to live there. I wanted to be home unlike Jack.

oOo

"Oh Ponyboy! What happened?" Ms. Dailey's voice rang through my ears. She was here, why? Isn't she suppose to be dragging some other poor kid out of their home?

"A lot of rules were being broken today," Mr. Smith said from his chair. Was this why she was here, because of the fight? She drove all the way here because of- "Of course a lot of rules are broken everyday. Take a seat Ponyboy."

I looked at the chair I sat in just a few days before when I first arrived at the place. This place reminded me of a principal's office and in every principal's office you never wanted to be sitting in the chair in front of the desk. It meant you were in serious trouble. Why wasn't Jack here and the other people who were in the fight plus Jeremy and Big Billy? Why weren't they in trouble?

I reluctantly sat down in the uncomfortable seat and nervously began to chew on my finger nails. I don't know why, but I can't help but chew on my nails when I'm nervous. I don't understand, it's a common nervous habit but it bothers me.

"Relax Ponyboy." Ms. Dailey gave me one of her smiles, one I never wanted to see again since she took me out of my home. I hated her ever since that day, even though that day was just a few days earlier.

"How are you liking it here? Be honest."

"I honestly want to go home," I said, hoping she'd actually take me there and give Darry back custody. Shouldn't I be able to speak up for myself and say what I want and not what the state wants? I think so, it seems fair.

Ms. Dailey shook her head and sighed. "Sorry Ponyboy, but that is not an option. I did, however find you a home. I'm sure you'll like it. Mrs. Johnson-"

I zoned out. I didn't want to go to some strangers home and live with them, would you? It sounded strange to me, living in this place is strange to me. I just wanted to go home. I haven't seen my brothers since I left. I know I've been away longer when I was in Windrixville with Johnny two months ago but I had a feeling I was about to break that record. I didn't want to live anywhere else than at my house, in my home.

"-very lovely, and I'm positive you'll love her."

"Sounds better than this place," Mr. Smith said with no enthusiasm. "Now go pack your bags Ponyboy. Owasso is a long drive, the sooner you get your stuff together the sooner you'll get there."

_Owasso, that was just outside of Tulsa. Maybe my brothers could-_

"Go on Ponyboy," Ms. Dailey interrupted my thoughts. "Come back here when you're done."

I slowly left the room and return upstairs and entered my bedroom or well room I slept in while staying at this place. I still wasn't comfortable calling this my room, and it wasn't my room especially since I'm leaving this horrible place.

Packing here wasn't something that took long. Really I just kept things in my bag. I put the dirty t-shirt I took off when I got dressed this morning in my backpack and swung it over my shoulder. My packing was done.

I jumped though when I turned around, Jack leaning against the door frame. "You going home to that brother you mentioned? Or foster care?"

It's like he knew. "Foster care. They found me a home in Owasso. Suppose to be 'lovely.'"

Jack laughed. "It's probably the opposite. Good luck man, you'll need it."

I smiled. "Yeah, thanks." I extended my hand out. "It was nice knowing ya, Jack. I hope you get to live in a better place than this dump sooner or later, same with your brother."

Jack shook my hand. "Doubt it, they'll probably split us up. I just hope Whitney gets out of here first because without me here, he'll get hurt by the others. They don't like him."

"I can tell. I gotta go Jack. Bye."

"Farewell Curtis." That was my first goodbye to someone that I actually liked in foster care, and I didn't know it then, but was one of the few I was going to miss.

oOo

The drive was long, exhausting, and boring. So boring. Have you ever sat in a car for two hours straight with no one to talk to? If Soda or Two-Bit were here, they'd make it fun. I couldn't help but think of them and Steve and Darry as we passed the "Welcome To Tulsa" sign, but I knew we were only driving through Tulsa to get to Owasso, to get to my foster home.

The whole two hour ride I had to listen to Ms. Dailey nag on and on about how wonderful and amazing this Mrs. Johnson lady is. I wouldn't know if it was true though. I wasn't listening, and I didn't care. I only cared about going home and when we were in Tulsa, I considered jumping out of the car and making a run for Two-Bit's house. Social Services would never look there for me. Now as we pull into the driveway of a two-story house, I regret not following through the idea.

"C'mon Ponyboy." Ms. Dailey opened the door and got out, I did the same, clutching my backpack strap in my hand before throwing it over my shoulder.

"I promise, there's nothing to be nervous about."

I shook my head. "I ain't nervous," I snapped, which I honestly did not mean to do, but Ms. Dailey didn't notice, or did not care.

Before she knocked on the front door, she looked at me, and briefly sighed. "Listen to me Ponyboy, Mrs. Johnson is a very lovely woman, and she has been through a lot like you have. Please, just please behave, okay? It will make things easier on all three of us."

I nodded my head and she let out another sigh before ringing a door bell.

"Right on time!" a voice cheered moments later after the door flew opened. A woman with dark, curly brunette hair, hazel eyes, and a warm smile opened the door. She looked to be in her forties, probably around my parents' age.

"Well we tried," Ms. Dailey said while shaking the woman's hand before stepping inside, and I followed her through the doorway. "Ponyboy, this is Mrs. Elaine Johnson."

"Please, you can just call me Lanie."

I forced a fake smile at her, and she led us into the dining room. At the table she and Ms. Dailey did paper work and talked and I just sat there, fiddling with my backpack zipper, nervous and wanting to go home. But home was not an option according to the state.

Ms. Dailey left, and gave me a look reminding me of what she said earlier. I can't believe she thinks I'm going to do something awful. I'm not that bad of a kid, right? It's not like I steal things or go pick fights with others. She told me good bye and left me with a complete stranger. At least I knew Ms. Dailey, I don't know Mrs. Johnson at all.

"Are you hungry? I was just about to start dinner before you arrived." I heard her voice and jumped. I looked at her and shook my head.

"That's alright, it will take a while for me to cook it anyway. C'mon, let me show you your room."

The woman led me out of the kitchen, walking up a flight of stairs by the fireplace in the living room. She led me down a hallway and opened the last door. The room was smaller than my bedroom with Soda at home, but a lot bigger than the room at the boys home. A twin size bed sat in the corner and there was a desk, a bookshelf, a dresser and closet. There was a window next to the desk with dark blue curtains.

"It's not much, but you can do whatever you like with it. It's all yours." She looked at my backpack. "Would you like help unpacking?"

I shook my head, clutching the strap tightly. I wasn't going to let a stranger touch my things even though it wasn't a lot. I didn't pack everything when the state took me. I didn't want to.

"That's alright. When you're done, please come down for dinner. I'd like you to eat something. Tomorrow maybe we can go shopping, get you some more clothes. Just one small bag doesn't seem enough to me."

Mrs. Johnson smiled at me and left. I didn't move until the footsteps descending down the stairs stopped. After that I didn't unpack. I just looked around at the light blue, blank walls. It was a nice house, but it wasn't home. It was foreign and unknown to me. I didn't like the feeling it gave my stomach.

I threw my bag onto the floor then collapsed onto the bed. The comforter matched the curtains, dark blue-that's Darry's favorite color. The mattress was soft and comfy too, but I didn't know how I was going to sleep on it. I preferred my bed at home, I guess it was just going to take some time to get used to, but I didn't want that to ever happen. I wanted to be out of here before I could get used to anything.

"Dinner's ready Ponyboy!" Mrs. Johnson shouted from downstairs. I didn't know how long I've been lying here but it must have been long enough. I waited a moment and reluctantly got up from the bed.

"So tell me about yourself Ponyboy?" Mrs. Johnson says as I twirl my fork around the spaghetti she made. I haven't eaten much in the past couple days at the boys home, but despite that, I really wasn't that hungry. My stomach hurt, but I tried to eat as much as I could.

I shrugged my shoulders. "What's to tell?"

"I heard you're great in school, skipped a grade even. That's very impressive. I wish my son was that smart."

She had a son? Where was he then? "Yeah, I guess it is."

"You'll start school Monday. It's right down the street. Most days you'll walk to and back. I sometimes work later in the evenings but if the weather is really cold, or raining and I'm not working I can drive you and pick you up."

"It's fine. I don't really mind walking."

Mrs. Johnson smiled. "My son would've been complaining. You're a good kid Ponyboy. Do you play any sports?"

I tell her about track, how I was one of the best runners, and she kept smiling and talking. She didn't even seem to notice how little I had eaten. Maybe she didn't really care. I felt bad though because through the whole conversation, I totally forgot about my brothers and how much I missed being home.

I went back to my bedroom and unpacked the few things I had. I was going to need my backpack for school on Monday. I then went across the hall, showered and got ready for bed. I layed down and sighed. Mrs. Johnson was nice, and I liked her. She reminded me of my own mother in a small way, but even though it was small it was still big enough to comfort me. It also reminded me how much I really missed my parents. I was so scared when they told me they found me a home, but now, I realize I shouldn't have been. Foster care I guess isn't that bad, minus the fact I haven't spoken to my brothers in a couple of days and that was a couple of days too long.

It was too late then when I finally thought about asking Mrs. Johnson for a phone. I guess they could wait until tomorrow evening after they are home from work. I missed them so much.

* * *

**I'm not sure if a lot of people have "list." I saw it in some crime solving show a long time ago, what show, I couldn't tell you. My sister was watching it and I just happened to be in the room during a scene and they asked this kid what the heck was on his shoe when they were interrogating him and well that inspired me in this story. It's like a tally count and I thought'd it be good for the story. I've also been reading article things from people who actually been in foster care when they were children and hearing their stories to get ideas for this to make this more realistic. It's kind of sad(their lives). It's a shame that you never hear about the good foster homes, because there are a lot of them, only the bad ones, don't worry though, Pony will live in a good home or two. ;)**

**Also this story won't be like a day by day thing. I could skip a couple hours during a chapter change to a day or two, to a couple weeks, to a month or two. So there will be skips like that. I'm not writing every moment of his life in this story if you could tell by the second chapter. So beware of time jumps like that. I could start you off and have you confused the first couple paragraphs at some updates but will have you on track after a couple minutes of reading if whatever I said went into your head then good. I can be confusing sometimes. I'm actually am kind of quiet when it comes to real life but writing is like a completely different world to me, and in that world I'm really outgoing and I should shut up now...**

**Thanks for the reviews and please don't miss out on the opportunity to review. It's a really simple task and will put a smile on my face, so just do it! I like to smile! It's a good cause, have it be your good deed of the day. It can even be one letter, I don't care. Is one letter that hard to type? :)**

**Oh and one more thing I meant to mention in chapter one, there's probably going to be a lot of cussing in future chapters. I actually have a pretty clean mouth in real life and aren't too fond of writing swear words down but it's necessary especially when the characters in the Outsiders tend to have filthy mouths. I'm not as talented as S.E Hinton when it comes to writing around cuss words... I could try but yeah. We'll stick to the T rating for a reason.**

**Now if you don't mind I'm going to go eat dinner(spaghetti too! ow ironic?).**

**-MLC 99**


	4. Phone Calls and Nightmares

_**Happy Father's Day!**_

* * *

_**So This Is It**_

**Chapter Four**

School was boring, and well, it sucked being the new kid who transferred in just a few weeks until the semester ended. You had no friends, not that I wanted any, and you had no idea where the people in this school were academic wise. Lucky for me, compared to my old school in Tulsa, they were behind a few weeks, so I knew what we were learning. It was better than the school at the boys home, but it wasn't Will Rogers.

I watched the clock pretty much the whole day. It was as if the ticking was the only sound in the room, and it mocked me. _Tick, tock, tick, tock. _I wanted to throw my textbook at it, but I knew that wouldn't solve any problems and I'd probably get into trouble. It was Tuesday, I haven't seen or heard from my brothers in a week and I was counting down the time school let out like you would for summer.

Mrs. Johnson, or Lanie, she didn't like the idea of me calling them. She said she wasn't sure if that was a good idea because I was taken away for a reason. But she was working a little bit later tonight. I would be home alone when school let out and that means I could use the phone without being noticed. I know I promised Ms. Dailey I would behave, but I had to break this rule. It would kill me if I waited any longer. A week may not be that long, but in my shoes, they were.

"Ponyboy, what do you think?" the teacher asked from behind her desk. My heart started racing, like I said, the clock was the only thing that had my attention, I had no idea what page we were on. "About the trial?"

Oh, that. It's a good thing I already read this book before, twice. "I think Atticus is doing the right thing no matter what the town is saying. When someone's obviously innocent they shouldn't go to jail no matter what race. Discrimination isn't right and isn't fair to anyone."

The teacher nodded in approval and I turned my attention back to the clock, and it's annoying, mocking ticks. English was my last hour and we had fifteen minutes left. Fifteen long minutes of reading a book I already had read, not that it was a bad book or anything, but I wanted to get the heck out of there.

When we were finally dismissed I raced to my locker, I filled my backpack with books and spiral notebook and took off. I didn't run back to Lanie's, rather I walked really fast. I didn't want to make it obvious that I was running, draw attention to myself, besides Darry was probably just now getting home and was going to start dinner so it would be ready by the time Soda go to the house.

"Hey!" I heard from behind me, I slightly jumped, but kept walking, picking up my pace a little bit. I was still new to this area and I still wasn't sure if the Soc/greaser thing went on around here like it did in Tulsa. I wasn't up to getting jumped, especially since I got the switchblade I took when I left home with me confiscated.

"Wait up!" the same voice shouted out. Before I knew it, I heard shoes slapping the concrete sidewalk and someone was walking the same, fast pace I was going right next to me. "You dropped this."

A kid about my age shoved a notebook in front of me, my biology spiral. I would've been lost without it. "Thanks," I said as I snatched it out of his hand

"You're the new kid with the weird name, right? Horseboy?"

"Ponyboy," I corrected and rolled my eyes. It's not that hard to forget.

He nodded. "Right, sorry. I'm Jared. We share the same history class together." I nodded. He did look quite familiar. "Well see you around, I guess."

"Yeah, see ya," I said, walking off as he crossed the street over to what I figured was his house. I stuffed the notebook back into my backpack. It was unzipped, must have been from rushing out of the school building. I quickly made sure everything else as there before closing it and continuing back to the house.

When I got there, it was silent, which I really liked. I dumped my backpack on the floor in the front hall and ran to the kitchen, where the phone hung on the wall by the refrigerator. I spun the wheel around, dialing the number that I rarely ever called, because I never really had to before unless I wanted a ride.

It rang. Then it rang again, and again, and I was just about to give up as it kept ringing for a couple of minutes. But then I heard it.

"_Curtis residence, Two-Bit Mathews speaking. How may I help you?"_

It wasn't really funny, but I couldn't help but laugh. It felt good to hear a familiar voice. It felt like one year, rather than one week. It felt like a lot of weight was lifted off of my shoulders.

"_Hello?" _Two-Bit said again, and that's when I realized I was thinking for too long.

"Hey Two-Bit."

"_Ponyboy! Why haven't you called? It's been like a month since we've last heard from you!" _Two-Bit yelled through the speaker.

"It's been a week, calm down. They wouldn't let me have phone privileges because I was new at the boys home, and my foster parent won't let me use it either, but she's at work right now. Is Darry there? Can I talk to him?"

Two-Bit was quiet for a second, and I got real worried. _"Actually no, kid He's still at work. He's been picking up longer shifts lately."_

"How come?" I asked, a little worried about what was going on at home, but it was like I could see Two-Bit shake his head through the phone.

"_Don't worry about it kid. You're in foster care? So what, that means you're living in someone else's house?"_

I sighed. "Yeah, I'm fine though. The lady's really nice, the only thing I don't like about her is that she doesn't allow me to use the phone. When does Soda get off work? Maybe I can talk to him before she gets home."

"_Sorry, Pony. Both of them don't get home until about six."_

"You're there by yourself?"

"_Nah, Steve's here, he's about to go to work though. Wait a sec-" _I heard murmurs in the background, and there was some shuffling.

"_What's your number, kid?" _It was Steve. _"I'll give it to Soda so he could call ya when I get to work."_

I shook my head despite the fact he couldn't see me. "I don't know it. I've only been here for a few days and I was never even allowed to-"

"_You know the number for the DX?" _

"Yeah but-"

"_Call it. I gotta go, kid. Bye."_

With that, Steve hung up. I didn't have much time. Lanie was probably going to be home any minute. I glanced out the window in the kitchen that viewed the driveway. It was empty, so I quickly dialed the number to the gas station.

It rang for about a minute, and then someone finally picked up. _"This is the DX, how can I help you?"_

It wasn't Soda. It was someone else and I was slightly disappointed. "Is Sodapop there?"

"_He's busy right now, can you wait a minute?" _I jumped, noticing the car starting to come down the road.

"Uh no, can you just tell him Ponyboy called and I'll try to call him back as soon as I have a chance. Thanks."

I hung up the phone, raced towards the front door and picked up my book bag and ran back into the kitchen, tossing it onto the table and rushed to get an assignment out. Lanie told me yesterday she'd rather me do school work downstairs in the kitchen. Something about making sure I actually did my homework even though my grades show I do.

"Hey Ponyboy!" Lanie said, entering the kitchen while putting her purse down on the table by my backpack. "How was school today? Make any friends yet?"

I shook my head, remembering that Jared kid who tried talking to me on my way home. "Not really. I don't need friends anyway."

Lanie sighed while heading towards the refrigerator, getting things out for dinner. "Yes you do. It's unhealthy for children your age not to have any. When you're my age you don't need them as much. Ponyboy, I want you to try to make some, okay? I want you to get out of the house, have fun."

"I do have friends, Lanie. They're all in Tulsa though."

She began chopping something up when she let out another sigh. "You know what I mean Ponyboy. Just try, okay? You can never have too many friends."

I finished my homework and we pretty much ate dinner in silence. She looked a little upset with me, but I wasn't even thinking about our conversation. I was thinking of home. It was six o'clock now, Darry and Soda would be getting home right about now. I wonder if that guy passed the message to Soda. Or if Two-Bit and Steve told them I called. Of course they did, they had to. I just wanted them to know I was okay, and to just hear their voices. I know it sounds weird, but I'd feel so much better if I knew they were okay.

I hope they're okay.

oOo

I woke up hearing someone screaming and someone shaking me and hollering at me. It took me a moment to realize it was me who was screaming, and Lanie was trying to get me to wake up.

"Deep breaths, Ponyboy. Deep breaths." Her voice was soothing, but it was nothing compared to Soda's. It didn't calm me down, but I did what I was told. I felt ridiculous. I always felt ridiculous when I had a nightmare. I haven't had one since my first night at the boys home, but that one wasn't that bad. I don't know why this one was. I never remember.

"Are you alright now?" she asked me gently and I nodded.

"Yeah. I'm, I'm sorry," I said, completely embarrassed.

Lanie just nodded. "It's alright. Don't worry about it, we'll talk about it in the morning, alright? Go back to sleep now."

Lanie left the room an I rolled over and faced the wall, clinging onto my covers. I didn't go back to sleep, I just lied there staring at the wall in front of me. Without Soda on my side, I never felt so alone, so empty.

oOo

Exhaustion must have finally kicked in because I didn't even remember falling back asleep after last night. I was really tired though by the time I got up. I didn't want to get up though. I didn't want to see Lanie after what had happened. She told me we'd talk about last night at breakfast. That didn't sound pleasant to me. I never liked talking about my nightmares, besides, I never remember them anyway.

I reluctantly got up and headed downstairs right on time. Lanie was just putting a plate of pancakes on the table next to a plate of scrambled eggs. She looked up and smiled at me like she normally does. _Maybe she forgot._

"Good morning. Did you sleep well the rest of the night?"

I only shrugged as I sat down in my usual chair and she did the same, dishing out food for herself. I sighed as I put a pancake on my plate. I was just a normal golden brown pancake. I may not have been a fan of Soda playing with his cooking, I desperately wish this was green, blue, purple, anything but the average color of a pancake.

"Don't be ashamed of what happened last night. You know, most people think nightmares are only for little kids, but they are actually most common in teenagers. Did you know that?" I shook my head. "Teens have more stress and that's something that helps trigger it. Also experiencing death or illness of a family member or friend is another cause. My son was about a year older than you when my husband passed away, he had them frequently than it turned into every now and then. I'll make dinner earlier tonight and don't eat anything before you go to bed. Food increases your brain activity and will support those nightmares."

I nodded, picking at the eggs on my plate. "Okay."

"You don't have to go to school today if you don't want to. I can call you in sick if you want to go get some more sleep."

I was just about to say no, but then, an idea sparked. "Yeah, I'd like that."

Lanie smiled. "Alright. Finish your breakfast and I'll call before I leave for work."

And she did. I waited up in my room, searching through the dresser drawers for something. I pulled the money out from under my T-shirt and took about half of it. Today was going to be a good day, I knew it.

* * *

_**I started putting chapter titles up the other day. Sorry it took me a little bit longer than I expected to update. I kept getting distracted and it's hard to write when you can't focus on one thing. Please review, it really means a lot to me. Thanks to those who have reviewed. I usually reply, but I can't if you are a guest, or if you have it disabled so I'm thanking those people right now.**_

_**By the way, the book they were reading was "To Kill A Mocking Bird", it was the only book written around that time I could think about and read myself. **_

_**-Michelle Loves Chocolate 99**_


	5. Talks

_**To one of the guest reviewers in the last chapter, you misread that. Jared said they shared a class and Pony was like "oh yeah, now that I think about it, I think I have seen you around somewhere." If that makes sense. He recognized them from the class they shared. Sorry if it wasn't that clear.**_

* * *

_**So This Is It**_

**Chapter Five**

I smiled lightly. For the first time in a week and a day, I'm somewhere I recognize. For the first time, I knew exactly where I was standing as I got off the bus. It was a place where people actually knew me, where I actually knew myself. A place where gangs roamed the streets and you were scared of your own shadow at times if you were by yourself. I loved this place. As horrible things could get here, I loved it. It was my home after all.

_Is._

I may have left Tulsa, but it wasn't my choice. I was practically dragged out of here by my hair. I was going to come back to this place for good one day. Maybe, just hopefully that one day will be in just a few weeks. I know they wouldn't bring me back right away. That's absurd almost. It may make sense to me, or anyone else that they should let me go home now, or perhaps never have taken me, but since they did, they would never let me go home right away.

But here I am, at a bus station in Tulsa. It's just for a couple of hours though, I know. I had to get back before Lanie got off of work. I know it's wrong to go against the rules, but I don't know how much longer I could've gone before I snapped. I had to come here. I had to see them. For them and myself. I don't know how they are doing, and that worries me.

Of course I didn't have a blade with me since they took it and never gave it back to me at the boys home, so when I saw a Coke bottle on the ground, I immediately picked it up just in case, because in the east side, you can never predict what could happen. Luckily, I didn't have any trouble, most likely because school was going on, and even though a lot of people ditch or drop out, there's not typically a lot of people to jump. So when I got to the DX, I threw the bottle in the nearest trashcan before sprinting towards the door.

I opened the door and looked around briefly before I spotted him behind the counter, nose in some car magazine. He didn't notice me, at least at first. It was a slow day, probably extremely boring for him. I knew he always hated being stuck in the store, especially at this hour. He always prefers the garage.

I slowly began to approach the counter. "Soda?" I said quietly and softly. The look on his face was unforgettable. It was almost as if he saw a ghost, but it only took a moment for that look to change.

"Ponyboy!"

My brother vaulted over the counter and before I knew it, I was in his arms. It felt good. It felt wonderful. I felt safe. It was a dream come true. It was like the time Johnny, Dally, and I were at the hospital after the fire. The kind of thing you only see in movies, books, and dreams, but never in reality. Nothing like this happens in reality.

"Oh Pony." His grip tightened on me, and mine tightened on him. We stayed that way for a couple of moments, perhaps minutes, I didn't know. I did know that I didn't want it to come to an end, but it had too. Soda pulled away from the hug, tears streaming down his face, but none down mine.

"Why haven't you called Pony?" Soda asked, sounding really sad and upset. I don't think I ever heard him so heartbroken. "Why didn't you call and tell us you're alright?"

I didn't know how to respond. I called yesterday, then I attempted to call the DX but Lanie came home so I had to hang up before I could speak to Soda. I figured Steve or Two-Bit would have said something to both Darry and Soda, or that guy who I gave a message to. I thought they would have known I attempted to and tried my best.

"I did call-"

"No you didn't. Did you forget about us or somethin'?"

I shook my head, shocked about what I heard. When I opened my mouth to protest, the bell on the door rang and cut me off. I couldn't believe my eyes. It was my other brother, Darry. He was supposed to be at work. I found it weird how he randomly showed up at a gas station. It didn't feel right.

"Why didn't you call?" Darry asked the same question as Soda. He looked angry, pissed. I shook my head. This didn't make sense. My once dry eyes, now were pouring with tears.

"I did call. I did. You, you weren't there."

"How could you do such a thing to us?" I turned my attention back to Soda. "It was like you disappeared and never came back. We thought you'd never come back. You forgot about us."

I shook my head again. "I didn't forget, I'd never forget. H-how c-could I?"

"We couldn't stop worrying about you, Pony. You should have called, but you didn't! You didn't!"

Shaking my head, I cried. "No, no! I did! I did!"

oOo

"I did!"

I found myself tangled in blankets as my legs were kicking all over the place. Tears were rolling down my cheeks. It was real. That was so real. But it wasn't. I looked at the clock on the wall. It was five thirty. Lanie usually wakes up about six then wakes me up after she had made breakfast, so usually about six thirty was when I got up.

I had to do this, but I had to do it quietly and quickly. I wiped the salty water off of my face, and efficiently, but softly, got out of my bed and tippy-toed my way out of the bedroom. I snuck myself down the stairs and into the kitchen. I didn't bother to turn on the light, I just made my way to the phone.

Like I said, it was five thirty in the morning, and I know for a fact at the Curtis House, no one's awake, and if they are, there's some understandable reason to why. I may piss everyone off by calling before the sun has even risen and won't until about seven, but at seven I won't be able too. This is my only chance and I'd rather take it and not have anyone be angry at me like they were in my most recent nightmare.

I spun the same number I did yesterday afternoon. It rang, and rang, and rang. I tried to stay patient but I couldn't. If someone didn't pick up that stupid phone, I might cry, again.

"_Hello?" _an annoyed voice spoke through the phone, and silent tears began to drip from my eyes. I just couldn't hold the tears in.

"Darry…" I whispered. I didn't know what to say. I was happy, sad, and nervous about Lanie all at the same time. My mind wasn't allowing me to think.

"_Ponyboy! Is that you?" _I nodded my head despite the fact he couldn't see me. _"Are you alright?"_

I nodded again, wiping the streaming tears. . "Yeah… yeah I'm fine. Are you alright?"

He hesitated and I instantly put two and two together. From what Two-Bit said yesterday, and Darry not answering, something had to be up, but I knew no one was going to tell me. "_We're okay, Pony. Don't worry about us, alright? Where are ya?"_

"Somewhere in Owasso. I'm _okay_, Darry. I promise."

I really was okay, honest. The only thing about me that wasn't okay was the fact that I was in Owasso when I should be in Tulsa. It might have been twenty minutes away, but twenty minutes is twenty minutes too long and far.

I talked to Darry for about five more minutes, and I was constantly keeping my eye on the clock. It was hard keeping my voice in a low whisper, but I couldn't risk getting caught by Lanie. I don't know what would happen to me, and I didn't want to find out. Lanie was nice, I liked her, but I didn't want to get her mad. I don't know how she'd take it.

I heard murmurs in the background and suddenly someone else's voice took over.

"_Pony!" _It was the one and only Sodapop. _"Steve and Two-Bit said you tried calling yesterday. I got your message at work. Is everything okay?"_

I wiped the flowing tears from my eyes again. It was a pointless thing to do since more kept streaming, but I couldn't help myself. "I'm fine, Soda. I just miss you guys _so_ much."

"_We miss you too, Pony. Don't worry, we're going to get you back. You're going to come home."_

I nodded. "I know."

"_It will happen. Just don't give your hopes up. You don't belong there, you belong with us."_

He was right. I don't belong here. I don't get why Social Services don't get that. Family is family, no one but the family can tear it apart, but apparently Social Services think they can. It ain't right, it ain't fair, but heck, my life hasn't been fair since the day I was robbed off my parents. The world has taken so much from me, but now that I've been taken away from my family, how can my life get any worse?

It can't, and I will make sure it won't.

I heard a coughing sound behind me and I jumped. I glanced at the clock as the light was flick on. It was five fifty-five. I closed my eyes and let out a breath before turning around, facing Lanie as she crossing her arms over the bathrobe she was wearing while leaning against the doorframe.

"_Ponyboy, you still there?" _

"I gotta go, Soda. I'm sorry. Tell Darry I said bye," I said, and reluctantly hung up the phone before my brother could say anything else. I looked at the ground because I didn't dare to meet her eyes. I felt ashamed for betraying her rules, and scared of what might happen to me because of that. Never did I want to meet the bad side of Lanie.

The forty year old let out a sigh before she spoke. "Take a seat Ponyboy."

I gulped before obeying her command. I felt like a puppy who went against its master and knew punishment was coming. I kept my head down low, still preventing myself from looking into her eyes.

She did the same thing, and took her place at the kitchen table. She folded her hands on the tabletop and was quiet for a couple of minutes. It was probably the most annoying silence I had ever experienced. I just wanted to get whatever was coming to me over with so we could just move on and forget about what I did.

"You know, Ponyboy," she finally spoke. "That nightmare you had last night, you don't need to feel embarrassed about it. They're very common in your age, and given the circumstances… I would be surprised if you walked into my house without any trouble, such as what happened last night. Do you want to talk about it?"

If I didn't mention before, Lanie was a therapist. She helped people deal with their problems and I always tried to prevent her trying to talk to me about mine, but I guess that was another bullet I could not dodge.

"I don't remember it. I never remember any nightmares, except one."

"Then tell me about that one, I could help you."

I shook my head. "I had another one last night after you woke me up. I saw my brothers, they were really worried about me. They were upset that I never called to tell them I was alright."

Lanie let out another sigh. "So you go against what I told you because of a dream? Dreams can feel real, and true, but it's just your subconscious telling you things to worry you, scare you, make you happy, upset-the list goes on. What goes on in your dreams aren't real, and most likely never will be. It's best to forget about what occurred in them and move on."

I shook my head, trying to change the subject off of nightmares. "I miss my brothers though. Why won't you let me talk to them?"

"It's not that I'm trying to be mean by not allowing you to speak to your family. Family's important, but I am not the person to give you permission to speak to them or not, it's up to Social Services, and they didn't say anything about you being allowed to have communication with them. If I get caught breaking the rules I'm under, you could get put into another house.

"I know there are a bunch of great foster homes out there, and I hope I am one of them, but there are a bunch of bad homes too. I don't think you'd want to get put into one of them, do you?"

"I guess not, but-"

She cut me off. "That's what I thought. I will try to get ahold of your social worker sometime today. If it's alright with her, I will allow you to call them once a week, but I will have to be in the room. There was a reason you were taken out of your home, and I don't want something to happen to you."

I sighed and nodded. I guess it was fair. I'd rather have one supervised call a week than no communication at all.

"Alright, what would you like for breakfast?"

* * *

_**So if any of you were confused, the ending of chapter four, and the beginning of this chapter was a dream. Pony never actually woke up after he fell asleep after the first nightmare. So that last section was the start of his nightmare. If I told you guys the ending was a dream last update than that would completely ruin this chapter. Sorry, I had too. When writing in first person, the narrator can be misleading at times, such as when having an hallucination, a dream, or whatever other reason. It's up to the readers to figure it out on their own if it's misleading.**_

_**Please do review. It really does motivate me, and if any of you were wondering, yes, I am most likely to continue. But if you guys don't review, I just might stop updating out of the blue... humph... think about it, reviewing could benefit each and everyone of you who likes this story...**_

_**-Michelle Loves Chocolate 99**_


	6. Finals

_**So This Is It**_

**Chapter Six**

"Hey Ponyboy!"

I closed my eyes and let out a sigh. That was the last thing I wanted today; company. It was the last week of school before winter break, finals were tomorrow and all I wanted to do was study. Darry would kill me if I didn't do well, even though he couldn't see my grades. Eating my lunch with people who are sort of my friends was something I didn't want today, but of course I couldn't ignore their call.

Jared sort of befriended me, and becoming friends with Jared meant also becoming friends with Jared's friends. I didn't have anything against these guys if that's what you're thinking. Yeah, they are my friends, but they're _school _friends, not real friends. I'd rather be with Two-Bit or Steve sitting somewhere other than a school cafeteria, but some schools are different than other schools.

I took the only vacant seat at the table, shoving my lunch tray between the two people around me, though I didn't say a word. I've always been quiet, and even though I'm well acquainted with these people I'm sitting with, I'm not comfortable. So while they talk around me, I sit and listen and laugh when things are funny, and when they are funny, it's never as funny as the things that happened back in Tulsa because Two-Bit's the funniest guy I know.

Sitting at this table just makes me feel out of place, I feel awkward and nervous. I don't belong here in Owasso, it's not my home and never will be. I have to keep reminding myself that it's just temporary and soon I'd be back at my old school, in my neighborhood, in my home, with my family. Sometimes though it's hard to believe that. Being here, it's like a nightmare that I can never escape from, and saying that everything will be alright, I feel like I'm lying to myself. I know I am lying to myself just to make me feel better, to give me the hope that doesn't lie inside of me like it did a month ago.

"Ponyboy!" The voice snapped me out of my thoughts. "What'cha doin' over the holiday break?"

I shrugged my shoulders. I honestly didn't know, different families have different traditions and I was new to Lanie's family. I didn't even know much about her family in the first place. Everyone else at this table was going somewhere out of town, visiting family or just on a family vacation and I wasn't even going to get to see my family even though I haven't seen them in a month.

"Well that sucks," Jared said after taking a drink. "You ain't visiting that family of yours? They don't live that far from here, right?"

"They don't, but it's not up to me if I get to see them or not. It's social services."

"How'd ya even end up in foster care anyway?" Jared asked and suddenly the bell rang. Talk about being saved by the bell!

I got up and put my tray in the correct place and hurried out of there. I never like talking about why I'm here, even thinking about it. All it does is remind me even more about being separated from my family. The past month I pretty much done nothing but mope around and feel sorry for myself. It may sound pathetic, but I honestly don't know what I'm supposed to do. Lanie allows me a phone call to home once a week, which is every Saturday, so I guess things could be worse and not have contact at all, but it's not enough.

It _never_ will be enough for me.

oOo

School pretty much went on as usual, but my day didn't go wrong until I got to the house. When I entered, it didn't feel right. Have you ever walked into a room and instantly felt like something is wrong, like in horror movies. While you watch, you want to yell at the character who's stupid and looks around and all you do is yell at them to leave, that's what it felt like when I walked into Lanie's house, except the fact that this wasn't some TV show.

I found Lanie sitting in the kitchen, quiet and staring down at a piece of paper that laid on top of the table. She looked up after a few moments after she realized I was standing in the doorway.

"Ponyboy!" She jumped in her chair, folding up the paper she was looking at before quickly stuffing it into an envelope. "H-how was school?"

I shrugged my shoulders. "Alright. Lanie are you okay?"

The blonde nodded as she stood up. "Uh, yeah, I'm fine. Um, Ponyboy, you wouldn't mind having left overs tonight, would you? I got a lot of things to do for work and-"

"Yeah, it's fine."

And it really was. We had leftover nights all the time before and after my parents died. Golly, that seems so long ago, but it was only nearly a year. I wish they never went out that night. I wish I was still home, that Soda never dropped out of high school to work full time, that Darry could go to college. Maybe Darry could go to college now with me not being in the way...

I shook myself out of my thoughts as Lanie began to leave the room. "Lanie, is everything okay?"

She stopped in her tracks and let out a sigh before turning around. "Guess you're not letting me get away with anything, aren't you?"

She pulled out the chair she was sitting in earlier and let out another sigh. "I never told you this, but my son, he's not here." Her eyes went to the table as I just sat there confused while playing with my backpack strap.

"Not here here, but he got drafted about six months ago. He dropped out of school, I didn't want him to, but he wouldn't listen to me, he never listened to me after my husband died, so since he didn't even finish high school, meant he was never in college so that just made everything easier for them to draft him." She shook her head. "The first thing he said to me was that I should tell him 'I told you so.' Of course I had no idea what he was talking about when he said that but after he told me, I never said it. He regrets never listening to me and going against me when he was a kid.

"Well I got this letter the second I got here, the first thing I thought was that he was dead, but I guess this is much worse than dead could ever be. Erick being MIA-it's hard to believe a boy like him could actually get lost, but he is…"

"Lanie, I'm sorry."

Lanie just shook her head, and stood back up. "It's alright. It's my family problem, nothing you should worry about. They'll find him. I know it. Now, you got big test tomorrow, I don't want to waste your time that you should be studying, so get to work!"

And with that, Lanie left the kitchen, and I dug into my bag, pulled out a book and opened it to a random page in the middle, but I couldn't tell you what was on my page, because my mind went to Soda. Erick reminded me about my brother, about how he dropped out. What if the same thing happens to Soda? If Soda went into the war I don't know what I would do. Cry that's for sure, but what if Soda never came back? He just turned seventeen a few months ago, they can't take him now, but next year he'll be eligible.

I let out a breath of air I've been holding for a long time. I felt bad for Lanie and because of that, I felt awful. Until now, all I have been doing was feel sorry for myself, thinking everything bad had happened to me. It was like I forgot other people had problems-that things were rough all over. I knew that, but since I left home it seems that I left everything behind there, including my head.

I rubbed my temples and shook my head. I could not study with all that on my mind. I stood up and walked out of the house. I didn't know where I was headed, or why I was even doing this but I just walked out and ran.

I didn't have a jacket on but I did not mind. My feet pounded against the sidewalk like a drum and the motion kept me warm in the December air. I just kept running and running until I didn't know where I was, and then I just sat down on the curb. I sort of felt like those homeless people you'd see along the roads with signs asking for food, but I did not have a sign, but I felt like every driver that drove passed looked at me as if I did. I sat there for a while, listening to the cars pass by until I noticed them get fewer and fewer meaning rush hour was over and it was getting late. That's when I stood up and walked back in the direction I came from.

I don't think Lanie noticed my absence, but when I got back, I sat back down at the kitchen table and tried to study. My mind was a million times clearer than it was when I sat here a few hours earlier, but it was still buzzing about the news Lanie gave to me. I couldn't do anything for her that I knew of, and that's what bothered me the most. I didn't even know Erick, in fact I didn't know her son's name until now, but despite that, I wished he was okay. Lanie was a great person, and someone like that doesn't deserve this. She already lost her husband, it would be tragic if she lost her only son too. If Erick is dead, it would all be because of a stupid war too, I guess though dying a hero is the best way to go out. That's how Johnny died, a hero. I've lost more than Lanie has, but Lanie's almost lost everything, maybe that's why she choose to become a foster parent.

I stuffed my books into my backpack. It was a mess and I did a awful job at studying but I didn't care. I couldn't concentrate at all. I guess I would just have to hope and pray to God and cross my fingers that tomorrow will be okay.

Without even eating dinner, I filled up a glass of water from the sink, and headed upstairs into my room, or well what I suppose used to be Erick's old room. I took a gulp from the glass before setting it onto the nightstand and climbing into the bed not bothering to change. It was just a careless night for me I guess, I was just too out of it and my head was a long ways away from where I was. Pulling the covers over my body, I closed my eyes, trying to escape the world's problem's just for a few hours since I couldn't hide from them forever.

* * *

**Hey guys, sorry it's about a week longer than I wanted to update, things just been crazy and well yeah, sorry. My mind has kind of been like Ponyboy's in this chapter-not able to focus. So yeah, because of that I know this isn't the best chapter but it was necessary leading on to chapter seven. Again sorry about the wait, hopefully I can get my act together and focus better.**

**Please don't forget to leave a review!**

**-Michelle Loves Chocolate 99**


	7. The Millers

_**So This Is It**_

**Chapter Seven**

I sighed and stared out the window as the car back out of the driveway. It was happening again. I only lived at Lanie's house for just five or six weeks, and I was getting used to not being at home. I got used to remembering which kitchen drawer contained the silverware and which cabinet the plates went. I never really liked having to relearn stuff like that, but now that I gotten used to where everything went and became comfortable in that home, I'm gone.

I understood why I was leaving though. Lanie's son, Erick, they found him and he was badly injured. He is coming back home in a few days when he did come back he was going to need Lanie's full attention because of his condition. I really did understand that, but I didn't like it. I didn't want to leave, not unless I was going back home to my brothers. This whole thing was bittersweet, I guess. Lanie was getting her son back, he was alive and that's what I wanted for her, but at the same time I never wanted to leave.

Yet, it's a week before Christmas and I'm headed to a house not far from here so I could attend the same school next semester, at least something isn't changing. Ms. Dailey told me about the Millers yesterday when she came by to discuss things with Lanie, have her sign papers and such. Nice, little foster family with already two kids like me, there's a younger girl and an older guy. She said Mr. and Mrs. Miller couldn't have kids and that this was the next best thing. I personally always thought adoption was the next best thing.

I watched houses pass by and not even ten minutes later Ms. Dailey stopped the car in front of a light blue home, a little bit bigger than Lanie's. My heart beated against my chest as if it was trying to escape. I let out a breath, trying to calm myself down. It didn't work. I grabbed my backpack. I had two, but one was slightly bigger than the other so I stuffed on inside the other to make it easier on me. I swung the bag over my shoulder and squeezed onto the strap, but the moment I stepped out of the car, I didn't let my social worker take a step.

"Ms. Dailey?" I said softly, but audible. The lady turned around and looked at me, seeming slightly impatient and in a hurry, and I felt even more nervous and became suddenly shy, but I had to ask no matter what. "Christmas is coming up and I was wondering if I could see- see my family. It wouldn't be Christmas without them."

She let out a sigh. "It's a possibility," she said and I felt a spark light up inside me. "It could happen, but it would have to be okay with the Millers and your family as well, though your brother had called me a couple times already about it. Mrs. Johnson was going to surprise you but since upcoming events… I will discuss it with the Millers, but not tonight. I think it is best for you to settle in first."

I let out a sigh, and nodded my head. It was worth a try. I just hope the Millers are as nice as Ms. Dailey says they are and if they are, I will get to see my family again. It's strange to think of it just as visiting, but hey, it's at least somethin'. Seeing them is better than not seeing them even if it's just for a little bit, and not forever like I'd prefer. The hope that I could see my family for the holiday also made me more confident to go up to that door and meet this family. I needed to make a good impression and hopefully they'll allow me to go.

Ms. Dailey knocked on the door, and I pulled on my straps, squeezing them harder. I still was nervous about living with complete strangers, and when the door opened about a minute and a half later, I think my heart stopped for a second and I held my breath in.

"Aw, Ms. Dailey! It's good to see you," joyfully said a tall man with messy brown hair. He shook my social worker's hand and went after mine, I reluctantly took it and forced a smile on my face as I finally began to breathe again.

"You must be Ponyboy," a woman said as she appeared in the doorway, wiping her dirty hands on her apron. "You two got here right on time, dinner's almost ready."

Ms. Dailey shook her head as the two of us walked inside into the living room. There was a fire place on the other end of the room, keeping it more than toasty, and I felt hot under my winter jacket. "I won't be staying that long. I just need you two to sign one more paper today and I'll be on my way."

Mr. Miller took the paper the social worker handed to him, quickly glancing at it before scribbling down his signature. He then handed it over to his wife who quickly did the same thing. Ms. Dailey gave a quick smile of satisfaction while reading over the names.

"Great! I'll stop by soon to check up on things. If you need anything, just call me." With that, Ms. Dailey had left the house, leaving me once again in an unfamiliar house with unfamiliar people. Right now, I felt like running all the way back to Lanie's, or even better, home.

"Well Ponyboy, I hope you like baked chicken," Mrs. Miller said gently. "It should be ready in a few minutes. My husband will take you to your room until then, alright?"

Nervously, I nodded my head and held my breath in for a few seconds before gently releasing it. I just felt so shy and insecure at that moment. I felt like a kindergartner on their first day of school, having your parents drop you off and leave you in a room of other people you never met or seen before, it's scary and uncomfortable. Being in the house without anyone I seen or talked to before was scary and uncomfortable.

Mr. Miller waved his hand. "C'mon Ponyboy."

I gulped and followed him, trying to get over the insecure feeling, reminding myself to breathe in and out and put on foot in front of the other when I walked.

"You'll be sharing a room with Jason. He's sixteen, so there's not that much of an age difference between the two of you. He's not here right now though, he's out with friends. He'll be back in about an hour or so. And Ellie, she's across the hall, with her, there is an age difference, she's seven years old so be a good role model. She's a good kid and I'd like her to stay that way, alright?"

I nodded my head as he opened a door to a medium sized bedroom, but the fact that there were twin sized beds inside made it look a lot smaller than it really was. There was a desk separating the two beds, or perhaps dividing the room into twos.

"That bed is yours." Mr. Miller pointed to the bed right next to the door. I nodded again and set my bag on top of it, feeling awkward and weird. I felt just like a stranger, heck, I was a stranger, but I felt even more out of place than I did when I first walked into the boys home, when I met Lanie. I don't know, there's just something about this place that didn't seem right. It felt bizarre. Maybe it was because Mr. Miller looked taller and stronger than Darry, maybe it was because this place seems less empty than Lanie's home. I just don't know.

"I'll let you unpack, but when you're done, please come down for dinner."

When he left, I did what I was told. I went to the dresser and found that half of the drawers were empty while the other half were full of someone else's things which I assumed belonged to Jason's. I quickly stuffed the vacant drawers until nothing was left in my backpack, and then I slid both the bags under my bed.

I didn't want to go leave the room, but the last thing I wanted to do was defy orders and go against Mr. Miller during my first twenty minutes of living here. I wanted to make a good impression on these people because I wanted to go see my brothers. It's been ages since I last saw them, I feel like I'll die if I go another couple days without them. Phone calls help, but I feel like if I go any longer I'll forget what they look like.

I attempted to make my way back to the living room without getting lost, and Mrs. Miller was just finishing up putting dinner on the table. She looked up at me and smiled.

"Just in time, Ponyboy. Take a seat, we'll pray in a second."

We never prayed at my house. We weren't super religious people, sure my mother was a Christian and we went to church as a family every so often and I went with Johnny a couple times after my mom and dad died, but we never prayed before we ate. I never even done it at Lanie's either.

Mr. Miller sat down next to me while his wife went to the back door calling someone in. A young girl with bleach blonde curls came in and a dog tromped in behind her with his tail pointed straight up, both covered in a thin layer of white, sparkly dust.

"Take those wet clothes off, Ellie," Mr. Miller said. "I don't want mud in the house."

The little girl nodded taking off her coat and sweatpants that were covered with snow, then joined us at the table. Mr. and Mrs. Miller grabbed each other's hands and Ellie did the same by taking Mrs. Miller's hand and reaching out for mine. This wasn't a normal thing for me, but I tried to pretend like I knew what I was doing and took Ellie's hand and then Mr. Miller's just shortly before he began the prayer.

After that, we ate. I barely ate much though, I was so nervous. The other three talked, while I just felt out of place. I was out of place. They didn't avoid me though, but I wish they did. They asked me questions trying to get to know me, and went through the rules of their house.

"I used to have a pony," Ellie said randomly. "But it was only stuffed and she was a girl. I bet you love ponies!"

I shook my head. I never really cared about horses, it was just a coincidence that it was part of my name. My dad was a creative person. "Not really, but my brother loves them."

"Jase said his daddy used to ride in rodeos! He also owned a couple of ponies! I wish I had a horse."

"We have a dog the size of a horse, Ellie," said Mrs. Miller as she began collecting plates.

"No, horses are a lot bigger than Max! If you tried to ride him, you'd squish him!"

Mrs. Miller rolled her eyes. "Anyways Ellie, bath then bed, you know the drill."

The little girl gave a sigh and then jumped off of the chair, running off. I sat there for a few moments before heading off to my room and sighed. I feel like this is just the beginning of a very long chapter of my life. It all started the day I went to the boys home, but that seems like forever ago.

I plopped onto my bed, gently bouncing back up from the mattress and I stared at the ceiling. I closed my eyes, for a second then opened them back up. I thought about home, about life before my parents died, how great it was, and life after they died, which was still great until after Johnny and Dallas died. I let out another sigh, tears forming in my eyes as I remembered all the deaths that happened all within the same year. Dally's words ran through my mind, repeating over and over like a broken record player. _"You get tough like me and you don't get hurt. You look out for yourself and nothin' can touch you." _

Dally's right. I can't let social services get to me and I won't. I wiped the tears away and sat up a little bit straighter. Everything was going to be okay.

* * *

**_Hey guys, so the next couple weeks, I may not update as often as I would like. So probably like a two-three week wait. Schools starts in a few weeks, and so do other things going on with me too. This summer has just been crazy for me. So please do be patient with me, because I also need to sit down and plan out this story more because everything I had planned so far I'm about caught up too since I've been too busy to sit down and do more planning. So please don't freak out if it takes a couple weeks for me to get an update, I mean hey, at least it's better than those "once every three months writers," right? _**

**_-Michelle Loves Chocolate 99_**


	8. Distraction

_**So This Is It**_

**Chapter Eight**

The tears in his eyes were unmistakable. Standing in front of me was a man who I've only seen cry only a handful of times, and it was crushing, completely crushing. Tears developed in my own eyes seeing him in front of me. I've missed him so much and what I really wanted to do was hug him, but despite the fact that he was five feet in front of me, I felt like as if there was some sort of bubble preventing me from getting too close, like a wall dividing us. I somehow could not reach him.

"Darry…" My voice trailed off as I gently closed my eyes only to opened them a few moments later. My brother was right next to me, closer than I have been to him since the day I left my house, but it wasn't close enough. I felt that even though he was standing right in front of me, it instead was a million miles apart. Everyday I felt like my brothers lived in Tulsa while I was on the opposite side of the world, or perhaps another planet, maybe I was.

"Darry, just say something. Please, anything," I choked, obviously failing at trying to stay strong. All I wanted was to hear his voice, have him say something, like yell at me for doing something stupid, or forgetting to do something most people don't forget, or for getting a B- on my geometry test because I didn't study hard enough. I'd kill to have Darry yell at me for being irresponsible but I got no response from him. I felt the tears drip off my face and onto the floor as I stood there begging to my brother to speak to me.

His once icy eyes were melted and sad, and that just made me want to cry even more. "Pony," he gently whispered my name. "I'm sorry, Ponyboy."

I shook my head. There was nothing to be sorry about, and Darry had to know that, but before I could speak, I felt the hallway we stood in suddenly stretch out longer into a tunnel, and Darry just kept getting farther down the aisle. I began to run, trying my best to catch up to my brother, but it was as if I was running on a treadmill because no matter how hard I tried I ended up in the same place. My brother was unreachable at the other end and that killed me.

"DARRY!" I screamed down the hallway, falling to my knees, while my tears flowed out of my eyes like a waterfall. It hurt so much, the pain of being separated from the only family I got left was unbearable. I just couldn't help but break down then and there. I was so close to my brother, but yet so far. Without him and Soda, my life was just spiraling out of my control, destroying myself like a tornado destroys a town. I was a mess, a huge mess and I cried harder than I had ever cried before right then. I was alone, and that's what hurt the most about this. At least Darry and Soda had each other, I had nobody.

"DARRY!" I cried again then soon felt something hit me in my face. I closed my eyes as I wrapped my arms around the soft object when I opened them, it was dark, pitch dark. I removed the pillow from my face as I became clear of my surroundings. I wasn't in a tunnel anymore, I was in a bedroom.

"Do you always make this much ruckus when you sleep?" Jason's voice was very annoyed and tired as he complained. I let out a sigh, tossing the pillow across the room on to his bed. He wasn't the kindest guy, heck he wasn't even kind. He made sure that the two and a half weeks I lived here were hell.

"I'm sorry." I rolled over onto my other side and faced the wall, tears still rolling down my cheeks the same way the were in my dream, or well nightmare. I couldn't believe that it was Darry's birthday today and I'm not going to be there. I'm not allowed to call either and it just breaks my heart. They know that I was moving to a new foster home, but they haven't heard from me since I got here and I don't know what's going through their minds. I can't stand it anymore. I'm going to go crazy, heck, I've already gone crazy. It just don't feel right not being with your family, not allowed to have any sort of communication with them.

The Millers, they're nice people, but I don't like them. They think that being able to see my family is bad for me. I don't understand why, I think it's unhealthy for me not to see them. And Jason, well, living with him is like living with the devil. All he does is push around and bully me and seven year old Ellie. Ellie's probably the only person I like in this house. I'm not a fan of little kids, but when you are forced to live with them it kinda grows on ya. The past couple days I've learned that Ellie's father is deceased and her mother is currently ill in the hospital and is unable to care for her daughter at the moment, however Ellie's allowed to visit her in the hospital once a week. Mrs. Miller said it was because as soon as Ellie's mom had fully recovered and got back to work Ellie would go home. I guess she doesn't think Darry will ever get custody back, and as every day slowly passes, I've started believing it each day. I don't want to believe it, but I just do. I can't help it.

I curl into a little ball, trying to imagine myself in my own bed at home as I close my eyes. I picture Soda lying beside me and hear trains rolling in the background. It's home, where you always feel safe and loved no matter what. I haven't felt that way and a long time, but pretending I was somewhere I wasn't just made me feel happy, healthier, even though it was just for a moment. Just for a moment I was home and free and I felt myself drift back to sleep.

oOo

When morning arrived, I didn't want to get out of bed. I'd rather lay around all day, but I couldn't. I had to go to school and that was the last thing I wanted to do. I never was one to really love school, nor did I ever hate it, but some days I'm just in a mood that all I want to do is lay down and stare at the ceiling, wall, or whatever. Just be able to push all the your problems and worries to the side and lock them up in a tiny, little box and completely forget about them. If I was at Lanie's, she'd let me stay home. I'd tell her about my dream and she'd send me back to bed to make up for the hours I stayed up after I had woken up from my nightmare. However, this place was not Lanie's.

I closed my eyes for a moment or two before I reluctantly got out of bed. I grabbed a random shirt and some jeans from my dresser and began to get ready. When I was almost done and just putting my homework I did last night into my backpack I looked over at Jason, who was still sleeping in bed. I had to keep reminding myself not to wake him up even though if he didn't get up now he was going to be late no matter what. Jason didn't care about school at all, in fact hated every bit of it. I guess I understand why.

Since I was running late myself, I did not have time for breakfast, so I quickly ran into the kitchen and grabbed an apple out of the fruit bowl and began my way out the door only to get stopped.

"Ponyboy," Mrs. Miller called from the kitchen. I sighed before turning around and walking back into the kitchen where Mrs. Miller was cleaning up the breakfast I missed out on, not that I wanted it anyways.

"Ellie's going over to her friend Katy's house until six I'm working late to night and so is my husband and I don't want Ellie walking home by herself in the dark."

I nodded my head, even though Mrs. Miller didn't work, she often volunteered at the hospital on weeknights. "Yeah, sure."

"Thank you, Ponyboy. Now you better hurry up before you miss that bus!"

I quickly spun back around and practically ran out the front door to the bus stop barely making it on time. The ride was long and boring and all I could think about was how today was Darry's birthday and that was the last thing I wanted to do. As much as I love my family, I don't want to think about them if I'm not allowed to see them. It only reminds me of how much I miss them and makes me miss them even more as well, but none of my friends ride this bus so I'm kind of alone with nothing to distract my mind. Even though I don't like homework, I hope I get a lot tonight to keep my mind off of them, I'd do anything right now to take my mind off of my brothers and home.

When I got to school, I saw Jared and his buddies standing outside as if they were waiting for me or somethin'. They spotted me getting off the school bus, and began to approach me. Jared gave me a mischievous grin and I was more confused than ever.

"What's up?"

"We're ditching, that's what's up," said Carter, who was part of the little group I sort of became apart of. "Care to join, Ponyboy?"

I shrugged my shoulders. I had a history test today, I didn't exactly want to miss it. "I dunno-"

"Aw, c'mon. It ain't that big of a deal. Don'tcha ever have fun in your life?"Jared teased and I looked at him for a moment. Jared blown off school all the time, so did Carter, Alex, and Andrew. Dally, Soda, Steve and Two-Bit did it a lot back home too, maybe it wasn't that big of a deal. To me though, it was. Darry wouldn't like it, heck if Darry ever found out, being in his care or not, he would have a cow and ground me probably, but Darry wasn't here, and I needed something to take my mind off of him anyways, so maybe playing hooky was the answer I was searching for, maybe not the best answer but it was one.

I gave them a mischievous smirk. "Heck, I live for things like this."

The gang smiled. "Then let's get hell outta here!"

Little did I know this wasn't the answer to my problems. It perhaps was one of the big mistakes of my life.

* * *

**Hope I didn't make you wait too long... Please do take one minute of your life, if not less and leave a review. Encouragement helps, like a lot, and that's something I really need if I am going to get this story to its ending, so please just leave a review tell me if you hate it, love it, give me tips and advice anything is opened. I could really use the support. Thanks to everyone who has reviewed, I usually thank you all though PM but some people I can't do that with, so thanks so much!**

**Also the rest of this month and September are going to probably be very crazy for me, so please be patient with me these next couple weeks. I know I'm a little bit behind with updates than I wanted to be at this point of time but just keep being patient. Thanks!(:**

**-MLC 99**


	9. Screwed Up World

_**So This Is It**_

**Chapter Nine**

I felt weird. Have you ever felt weird when you have the day off from school? Like even though school's not in session, you're so used to being in a classroom on a weekday that you feel different and out of place. It's awkward. School is kind of like a prison, how you're pretty much locked inside forced to do things even if you want to do it or not, and if you don't do your homework or whatever request you get punished for it. Today I wasn't trapped behind those walls. I was free, but I didn't really like that. It was different.

I don't know. Maybe I _did_ like that. I was used to having Darry force me to go to school even if I would try to pretend to be sick just to get a break for a day. School is just overwhelming at times, especially when you're struggling in your life outside of those school walls. If Darry ever found out what I was doing, he'd probably explode. But the fact that I couldn't get my mind off of him, especially since today was his birthday and I had a dream about him, I could care less. I needed something to take my mind off of him. I needed something to make me feel less miserable.

That's what brought me here. I looked down at the stick in front of me. I hadn't had a cigarette in such a long time and I finally was able to get over the withdrawal symptoms. But what was in my hand wasn't just any cigarette. And as much as I didn't want to smoke the freshly made joint that was shoved into my hand, I really wanted to. Something was pulling me away, but something else was pulling me to it. I closed my eyes and counted to ten, trying to think, to actually use my head before I do anything. I saw many pros that would come if I did this, but at the same time I saw many cons.

"I don't want it, man."

Alex looked up, with his half smoked second joint in his fingers. "Ya sure, Ponyboy? I'd thought you liked this stuff."

I shook my head, looking him in his eyes. You could tell that he was high, not too much, but he was. Alex just sighed, and took it out of my hands, and I felt relieved. I did something good, even though it kind of sounded like a good idea to smoke it. I was miserable and I was desperate to not feel that way, but this was not the way to do that. Why I even considered it kind of made me mad at myself, but I said no and that's all that matters, right?

So we just sat there. all five of us. The other four smoked their dope while I just played with my fingers, thinking of anything unrelated to my brothers or my friends or Tulsa in general. Maybe I should've just asked for a normal cigarette? Even though I'm just starting to get over my addiction, it would help me, wouldn't?

"Maaannn, this world is really fucked up." I looked up at Jared, almost not recognizing him and starting to feel uncomfortable again. Maybe I should just leave, but if I left I couldn't go back to school without a pass or something from Mrs. Miller explaining why I was late. I guess it was too late for me to leave. "I mean, it's a dark place and no one really realizes it. We're too busy and selfish trying to live our own lives and we don't even realize the horrible things going on around us- the homeless people, starving countries, or even this stupid, pointless war going on. It's stupid and no one seems to bother fixing it. It's bullshit. Just plain bullshit!"

Jared took a swig out of his bottle, and I sighed. That's probably the reason why we're here anyway, but even though bad things happen doesn't mean this world isn't awful. It may be imperfect, but it's not totally bad as long as you have hope. I didn't have much hope now-a-days, however, and I guess Jared didn't have any at all.

"I can't believe he enlisted, man," Andrew said while taking a drag from his joint. "Didn't see that comin'."

"Yeah, well he deserves to never come back from there! It was a stupid decision to go there. The country should be paying to help with all the bad things going on here, not to send our men to go out there and die! Why anyone would support any sort of war is beyond me."

"What about those rumbles, man?" Carter smiled. "Those are wars, and they're always a blast!"

Jared stood, dropping is empty bottle onto the solid ground, the glass shattering beneath him. "Yeah, well when your brother is going overseas maybe your opinion will change too. I'm done with this."

"Hey, where ya goin'?"

Jared didn't even turn around. He just kept walking as he yelled back, "Home."

After that, I only saw Jared at school , but he was a completely different person. He hung out with another crowd, acted as if he was another. Maybe he was. It was like he shattered just like that broken beer bottle. I never talked to him again since, except for once, but I'll tell you about that later.

I watched Jared disappear out of the building and I sighed. Maybe I am one of the stupidest people on Earth, but Jared really got me thinking. Maybe he is right about this place. People are evil, and there isn't anyone, or enough people trying to stop them. Maybe that's why I'm here. I don't see anyone trying to get me home.

"I-I think I'll have one of those now." I pointed to Alex's almost finished joint. The boy smiled, and rolled up a new one and gave it to me… and I lit it.

oOo

Life is like a piece of candy. Each piece is unique and has a different color to it. Some pieces are sweet, while others are sour and bitter and you just want to spit it out. Some pieces are hard to chew, while sometimes they are chewy and soft. You never know what will happen next in your life, just like you'll never know which piece of candy you'll draw.

It took me this long to realize that. As people, we have to just keep going. Through the good times, and the bad, we have to just keep going through those times. It will eventually end. I've always been an observer, but now, as I sit in an abandon warehouse with three "friends" of mine, I started to see things in a different perspective.

I also noticed that time goes by extremely fast when you smoke.

"Oh shit, I gotta go!" I yelled looking at my watch to find that it was seven o'clock, I was suppose to go walk Ellie home from a friend's house an hour ago. Where did the time go?

"You sure, Ponyboy? You don't want another one?" I only had one, and the fact that it only took one to get me high, I kind of don't want another one. I shook my head at Alex and began running.

"Maybe some other time." Hopefully not. I picked up my pace as I was trying to focus my mind to think. I just could not think straight. What was I suppose to tell Ellie? What if Mr. or Mrs. Miller is home already and knows I forgot to pick her up, what if they realize I smell like smoke? I'm going to be in so much trouble.

oOo

I managed to run home without slipping on any ice, which was almost an impossible task. On any other occasion, I'd probably would've been impressed, but right now, I was just thankful. The last thing I needed was to be slowed down.

I went to the Miller's house first since it was closer and when I opened the front door, it was like déjà vu.

"Where the hell have you been!" It was less of a question and more like a yell. Last time I heard these words, it came out of Darry's mouth, that night did not end well, in fact that week did not end well. Golly, I was doing a great job at keeping my mind off my family until now.

I closed my eyes and took a deep breath, trying to clear my mind, but I still couldn't think real well. "I was out with friends." I didn't realize how dry my mouth was until I spoke.

Mrs. Miller didn't seem real satisfied with that answer. "Well I got a call from the school today. You don't even want to know how much trouble you are going to be in when my husband gets home and he finds out about what you've done!"

I looked down at the floor. She had every right to be mad at me, but I could not look her in the eyes. I was just hoping she couldn't see through me, learn my secret. I was hoping maybe I could get out of this. Hoping I wouldn't be in too much trouble. I just got here pretty much, I didn't want to leave the second I was starting to get used to the routine.

Mrs. Miller sighed. "I guess I won't tell my husband. He's had a rough couple of weeks at work and this is the last thing he needs to deal with, but you're grounded, got that? No television, or anything else but homework and extra chores for the next week."

I nodded. I accepted the punishment because it was deserved, and when Mrs. Miller walked off, I immediately went to my room to quickly grab clothes to shower, thankful that Mrs. Miller didn't smell the smoke off of me when she confronted me. I wasn't too surprised to find the window wide open letting the freezing air from outside into a room with no Jason. I rolled my eyes and left. I wonder what the Millers would do if they found out that Jason is never at the house. Probably out drinking, I don't know, I never bothered to ask. I didn't want to know anyway.

When I got into the bathroom, I at first, looked into the mirror, staring right back at myself. If I was never here, would I be looking at the same reflection? My eyes were a little red and sad and my hair was a disaster. The ends were bleached, while my roots were brunette. I needed to cut it. I hated cutting my hair, but I just looked ridiculous like this, but my hair wasn't the only thing that has changed. I didn't realize it until now. Not until Jared started talking about how screwed up life is, not until I decided to smoke marijuana. I'm not the same person I was when I left my house.

Who am I? I don't even know anymore.

oOo

I woke up to in the middle of the night to hear someone knocking on the window I closed. I looked at the clock on the wall, it was two in the morning. I groaned and rolled off the bed to open the window for Jason. He seemed very angry, probably since I shut it, but I wasn't going to go to bed with freezing cold air blowing on me, especially since it was snowing.

"Why'd you shut that?" he yelled in a whisper. "It's freezin' out there!"

I sighed. "I'm sor-"

To be honest, I didn't even see his arm flying towards my face, but when it hit, it hit hard. I put my hand on it immediately, trying not to cry in pain and wake up Ellie or the Millers, that was the last thing I wanted.

I saw a smile form on Jason's face, before he jumped onto his bed, and I just rolled my eyes, and climbed back into my bed. I hated this place. I absolutely hated it here. I couldn't wait to go home but I knew that wasn't going to happen. I rolled over and faced the wall, and closed my eyes, trying to ignore the throbbing pain in my cheek. Jared was wrong. The world isn't fucked up, it's the people who live on it. The people who go around acting like Jason, or Curly Shepard. The people who do bad things, and the people who just stand there and watch and not do anything about it. It's everyone. We're all guilty. That's what I learned today. Not only that, but there's nothing one or two people can do about it. Everyone has to fix it together.

I can't get out of foster care alone. My brothers can't just get me out themselves either and I guess I just have to move on and keep moving forward and whatever piece of candy life throws at me, I'll just have to eat it. I'll just have to face what's coming to me and deal with it, because if I don't, I may end up like Jared and his friends, or Jason, or even Jack.

* * *

**Sorry it took a while. School's back in session and it's been a crazy couple of weeks. Hopefully I can get used to my routine and start updating more soon. I hope this was a good chapter. I think it was but my opinion doesn't really count. So please let me know what you think. Reviews are awesome, and I could always use the feedback. They always give me ideas to use in the future and such, and also help me improve the story. So again, please leave a review. Thanks for all the follows and favorites. It means a lot! (:**

**Oh and also, I don't do drugs, never have. So I had to use google to help me with a couple parts of this chapter, so if I am wrong, I'm sorry. I never experienced it and I hopefully won't.**

**Also did any of you realize the Jason hit Pony at two in the morning? That actually wasn't on purpose. I just pick a random time and realized it when I was reading over.**

**-MLC 99**


	10. The Hole

_**So This Is It**_

**Chapter Ten**

January, turned into February, which quickly changed to March, and the twenty degree winter weather turned into sixty degrees. Spring wasn't exactly here yet, but it wasn't hard to tell that it would be arriving shortly. Thinking of the new season was a little bittersweet though. I haven't seen my brothers since November, and I haven't talked to the since mid December, that was three months ago.

"Ponyboy!"

I groaned and rubbed my eyes. I didn't want to get up, and my body was totally agreeing with me. I moaned while I opened my eyes. It took me a few seconds before it I realized it was dark. I rolled over to find Jase, stuffing his pillow under the blankets on his bed and arranging a lump to look like a person.

"Cover for me. Got that?" Jase said, while throwing a backpack over his shoulder. I rolled my eyes, too out of it to care. it was three in the morning and I was tired.

I buried my head under my pillow and mumbled, "Sure."

I was already asleep when Jase pulled the pillow off of me, and pulled me up by my shirt collar. "I mean it kid!" he yelled in a whisper before releasing his grip on my shirt. "Tell them I'm sick or something if they ask. I won't be back til morning. If they find out, you're dead!"

"I get it."

Jase walked away, opening the window and the screen as well. I sighed. If only we were on the second floor then maybe I wouldn't be his cover up. I sighed, sometimes I really hated that guy, actually no, I've _always_ hated that guy. Over the past couple months, I've just tried my best to ignore him and not get in his way, and he's done the same with me, but I wish I didn't have to live with him, or at least not be roommates with him. It's awfully hard to avoid him when you share the same room.

I sighed and rolled over, facing the wall. I thought about my old roommate. It's been awhile since I have really thought about them. I do think about them a lot, but now I find myself thinking about them less and less. Sometimes I go through an entire day or two without even thinking about either of them, and I felt horrible about it, but I can't help it. Three months is a long time to not speak to someone you're close to. I feel like I'm drifting apart from them.

I _am_ drifting apart from them.

They'd probably be disappointed in me if they saw me. Much has happened since the beginning of the year, very much. I still hang out with Andrew, Carter, and Alex, and no, before you say anything I haven't smoked anything but a regular cigarette since Darry's birthday. I've gone back to my regular ways of smoking, except I only smoke once or twice a day rather than a pack. I guess that's better.

I can't imagine what Darry would do if he saw my report card. I'm passing my classes but my grades are worse than they ever been. I got one A, two B's, and the rest are all C's. I don't try anymore, or at least as much. I don't put much care into schoolwork. No one cares about it, no one is ever concerned about how I do in school, why should I be?

Sometimes, I just wish I could talk to one of them, even Two-Bit or Steve. I just want someone who knew who I was before everything changed to tell me what to do, because I have no clue. It's like I'm in a hole, surrounded by darkness and dirt, but at the top there's light, but I can't climb up there, every time I try I fall. I need someone to tell me how to get out of here, toss me a rope or something.

I shivered, and pulled a light blanket over me. I don't know how I am going to get out of that hole, but hopefully one day I will, with help or not.

I closed my eyes and pictured myself at my old home, my _real _home, I pictured Soda's arm around me, telling me everything would be okay, and drifted back to sleep.

I hope imaginary Soda is right.

oOo

I guess there's one con to sleeping on the east side of the house. As the sun began to lift above the horizon, it decided to wake me up as well. I looked out the window and sighed at the sunrise. I shook my head and turned my direction at the clock. It was eight in the morning, and Jase wasn't back. I wish he would've told me how long I would have to cover for him. I pulled the light blanket off of me and immediately shut the blinds, but left the window opened for him when he returned. I didn't want to see the sunrise, I refused.

I quickly pulled my t-shirt off before digging through my dresser drawers, pulling out a nice shirt and pants. I hated Sundays. Sundays meant church.

I been to many services before. My mom was religious and would go to church every few months or so and would take us along with her. After she and my dad died, Johnny and I went a few times and then stopped after Two-Bit, Steve, and Soda decided to play with the hymnals in the back which brought a lot of attention to us. I haven't been since until I stumbled upon the Millers. Every Sunday they make us go, but their services are a lot different than the ones I've been to, and despite the fact that I've been living under this roof for three months, I still can't get used to the responses and such.

I went to the living room, where Mrs. Miller was running trying to find a missing earring and Ellie sat on the couch playing with the hem of her dress.

"I hope Jason's almost ready," Mr. Miller said as he took a glance at his watch. "We're going to be late if we don't leave in the next few minutes."

I closed my eyes and let out a sigh. I hated lying unless I absolutely had to. Lord, forgive me for this.

"He's not feeling very well. He says he doesn't think he'd be able to make it to church."

Mrs. Miller shoved the found earring into her earlobe and sighed. "Alright, I'll just check on him after mass. I hate him missing it but we're late and we got to get going."

I sighed, I hope he'd be back by then.

oOo

We got back from church, and swear, my stomach was probably going to start World War III. But I ignored it's rumbling and pain and went straight towards my bedroom, relieved to see a body climbing through the window the second I opened the door.

"You're back," I said dully. At the same time, I did kind of wanted Jase to get into trouble for once. He never gets caught, I don't know how he manages it, but he does.

"Yeah mannnn… it was great!"

I rolled my eyes. "I sure hope it was, you better act pretty sick before Mrs. Miller comes walking through that door. She's pretty upset."

Jase shrugged. "She'll get over it. She always gets over it."

"Where'd you go anyway?" I couldn't help but ask. I never asked before, not until now.

"Tusla."

My eyes went wide. "Tulsa?"

"Yeah, kid. It's not that far away from here. Only like twenty minutes."

"Why Tulsa?"

Jason looked annoyed, he was about to speak before there was a soft knock on the door. He dived for the bed and fumbled to get under the blankets before Mrs. Miller came in, who didn't seem to question the sloppy position the blankets were in, or the pillows he substituted for as his body that had just been thrown on the floor. She gave him a bowl of soup, smiled and left the room. I couldn't help but shake my head.

"I gotta get out of here," I mumbled to myself. I didn't care I was still wearing dorky nice clothing. I told Mrs. Miller I was going on a walk and left, still ignoring my stomach's protest.

oOo

The sixty degree air felt nice, and well-deserved after the past couple chilly months. I didn't get out much away from the Millers minus when I went to school, so for once, since that one day back in January, I felt free. I wish I could feel like this more often, I never really had opportunities to escape. Maybe that's why Jase leaves every week or two. I kind of wish he'd drag me with him, especially now that I know where he goes.

I couldn't believe it. All this time, he's been to Tulsa.

I shook my head. I couldn't think about that. I wouldn't. I didn't want to think about home. I didn't want to think about my friends. I especially didn't want to think about my brothers. I just hated thinking about them, as much as I loved them, I wish they'd just erase themselves from my mind. I can't stand it, it's too painful to think about them because that's when I start missing them. I refused to give in.

I reached the top of a hill, and I found myself in front of a general store. How I ended up here, I couldn't tell you. I sighed and went in. After hanging out with Two-Bit over there years, hanging out with Carter and the others gave me the opportunity to practice and perfect everything I've seen Two-Bit do. I sadly regret going to stores with Two-Bit now, but I didn't care at that moment.

I sat on the curb outside the store and opened up the packet of cigarettes. I only smoked one, and one was all I needed. I told you, I'm not as bad as I was before I left Tulsa, I guess there is just one good thing that came out of this whole foster care thing, but only one.

I sat there for a while. I don't recall how much time had past, but I watched probably twenty people walk in and out of that store. I stood up, and my eyes drew to a pay phone. I closed my eyes and let out a breath before digging into my pocket, pulling out the change that Mrs. Miller told me to put into the poor box at church but I forgot to. I inserted a coin, dialed, and waited.

It was Sunday, neither Darry or Soda worked on Sunday. But I listened to it ring, and ring, and ring some more and I sighed. After a few more moments of no answer, I hung up. I guess that was a total waste of a quarter. Maybe they both got different schedules than they had when I left. Four months had passed, I bet they have, but it was just hard to believe for me. It's hard to think time is passing at the house. In a way, I always pictured things to be the exact same as I left it, like nothing had happened when I would return and we'd just get on with out lives as if I never left. I know that isn't true, but I just wish it was.

I looked at the phone one last time, and shook my head. I'd have to find another way to talk to them without the Millers finding out, even if it was stealing from the poor technically. It was still for a good cause. I needed this. I didn't have much hope these days. I've about almost given up. I needed something to pick me back up. I needed someone.

That's when the realization finally dawned on me. I raced home to the Miller's, again, ignoring my hungry stomach, and went to the room where Jase was taking a nap. I didn't blame him. If I didn't sleep at all last night, I'd be doing the same thing, plus it helped with the whole "sick" thing.

I shook him awake, forgetting that Jase hates me and this wasn't the best idea, but I didn't care about the consequences. I had to know. I needed clarification.

"Where exactly did you go last night Jase?"

Jase rubbed his eyes and looked a little confused. "You went to Tulsa, but what did you do?"

"I went to a party." He squinted his eyes a little bit. "Why?"

"What party?"

"Just this party at this bar my cousin goes to."

"Buck's?"

"Yeah, what's the big deal, Ponyboy?" He pushed me away from him as he slowly became more awake and aware, but it didn't bother me.

"I'm going with you next time."

I walked out before he could protest, and went into the kitchen to eat. I hope I was right, and if I was, maybe things could get better from now on. Maybe I'll get out of here sooner than expected. Maybe I can finally manage it escape from the hole I've been trapped in.

* * *

**Alright, sorry about the wait(it shouldn't have been that bad), again, weekends are the only time I get to write anymore because I'm too busy and tired during the weekdays. Hopefully there will be an update next weekend...**

**Thanks to everyone supporting this story. It's very important and means so much to me that people actually care about my work and that means a lot to me. I want to be successful in writing when I grow up and everyone who's reviewed, favorited, followed gives me more confidence in myself. Thanks!**

**-Michelle Loves Chocolate 99**


	11. Buck's Place

_**I said at the very beginning of this story that I will be doing time jumps and such, if things don't make sense, they will eventually.**_

* * *

_**So This Is It**_

**Chapter Eleven**

I looked out the car window, taking a deep breath before I pulled on the handle. I stepped out of the cab, and looked around. Like I said, this place was slightly different from when I last left it, but then again, I was slightly different. Hell, I was very different. I've changed a lot over the years. Three years is a long time. It's too long to be separated from your family. If I could go back in time to stop this from happening, I would in a heartbeat, but time travel is not possible.

Darry stopped in his tracks. I know I got here at a bad time, knowing he was probably headed to work.

"Ponyboy?" he said, sounding and looking a little taken aback. It was like I died, and I came back, like a ghost. Maybe I was.

I put on an awkward and small smile. "Hey, Darry."

He still looked as if he'd seen a ghost, and well, he might as well have. It wasn't everyday where someone you haven't seen in months, years, shows up on your sidewalk. I didn't even know I was going to do this until a couple hours ago.

"What...how-" He was shaking his head, confused. I didn't blame him though, I didn't fully understand myself.

"It's actually a long story." Which was very true. It was one of the few times I wasn't lying, and it kind of felt good to be honest. Besides, I didn't want to tell him the story, not just because of the length, but because things had happened that I wouldn't want him to know, and I was still putting the puzzle together. I'm no where close to finishing telling you the story. I'm no where near the end of living the story myself.

oOo

When I stepped out into the bright sunlight, from the darkness of the Millers' house, I had one thing on my mind; I was going home.

Well, not home, exactly, but I was going to Tulsa just for a couple of hours. I was excited, but at the same time, worried and nervous.

I've been trying the best I could to get in contact with my family. But payphones cost money, and I don't have much. Plus when I do manage to scramble up some quarters, no one ever picks up the phone. I know they're at work, but I don't know Darry's work site number since it changes frequently, and as time had passed, I kind of forgot the number to the DX. I felt bad about that, but it just happened and there's nothing I can do about it but try to look where the Mr. Miller keeps the phonebook, but if I even tried to do that I would most likely get caught since Mrs. Miller is always usually there when I'm there. You're never alone in the house.

Now, I am going to a bus station, and would be in Tulsa shortly. The thing is, there was only a slim chance I would get to see anyone I wanted to see. The chances of any of the gang showing up at Buck's is a long shot. Perhaps Two-Bit, but that's about it. Maybe even Steve…

I watched the sunset on the bus ride. It sank behind the horizon and gold, pink, purple and blue lit the sky. I thought of Johnny. I thought of that sunset back in Windrixville. The silver mist. Despite the fact that that week was one of the worst things in my life, I'd do anything to go back to there, to that moment. Say that poem.

I hardly remember that poem. I can't think of it anymore. I tried hard to, but I just can't.

I hate that. I hate it so much! I'm losing myself almost. I don't even know who I am anymore. I hate that. It hurts sometimes. It hurts that I can't even remember which drawer the silverware is at my house, or well Darry and Soda's house...

...if they still live there.

I don't know. They probably do but I don't know anything nowadays. I hate it so much. I hate social services. I hate death. I hate foster care. I hate myself.

I hate everything and I hate the fact that I do.

If I could go back to that week, if I could redo everything that happened, I would. I wouldn't have gone to that movie with Dally. I would've stayed home. I would've never met up with him at that street corner. Pickett and Sutton… Johnny and Dallas would still be alive and I wouldn't be here on this bus. All this stuff happened because of me. I feel like everything is my fault and everyone else seems to take the punishment. It's like I'm a walking bag of bad luck and misfortune, and I'm probably not the only bag out there.

The thing is, I didn't care. Not anymore at least.

I looked at the colors fading into the navy blue sky as the sun sank behind the horizon one last time. I haven't seen a sunset or sunrise since I left my family but Johnny's face is the only thing that appeared in my mind. I'm sorry Johnny, but I guess Robert Frost was right, nothing gold can stay.

We got to Tulsa shortly after and Jason lead the way as if he grew up in this town. I really wanted to split, make a run for it, go home. It wasn't that far from here, a mile or two. I could run it and I knew Jase didn't give a crap if I did or not. The only thing is was that I didn't, couldn't. I felt like something was holding me back, but I don't know what it was and it took me awhile to understand it.

"Hurry up, Ponyboy!" Jase yelled, only a few feet in front of me. "If you get lost, I'd leave you here I hope ya know."

I rolled my eyes, he didn't know this, but I couldn't get lost. We were on the greaser side, the east side. This was my place, my town. Or it at least used to be.

We approached the bar, and I sighed. I haven't been here since the night of the fountain, but I shook my head. I couldn't think of that. It was the past, and I had to forget and move on, despite how hard it was for me.

There were a lot of people there. Laughter and the stench of alcohol filled the air. You could hear clicks of glasses, loud music, and shuffling cards. Both my brothers warned me never to come here or else I'd be in deep trouble. I broke the rule before, and this time, I felt good about breaking that rule. Heck, I wish they'd catch me for breaking it and yell at me. Maybe they were here.

I decided to sit in a booth alone, separating myself from Jase. In a way, I was tempted to go up and get a drink. Buck didn't always followed the rules. He'd given underage people drinks a lot. But he'd probably say no if I went up. He knew my brothers and if they somehow found out, well, they'd find me. The more I thought about it, the more I felt that it was a great idea, but I refused the offer.

I was so into my thoughts that I jumped when I saw someone set their bottle at the other end of the table and then sit directly across from me.

"Ponyboy Curtis." Curly Shepard smiled mischievously. "Last place I thought I'd find ya."

Not the person I was looking forward to seeing, but he was a person. I smiled. "Ya know how it is. You get lonely and before you know it, you're sitting in this booth."

"You bet." Curly took a swig from his bottle, his eyes saying he was half drunk. "Haven't seen ya around the streets these days. Even when I actually do go to school, it's like you disappeared."

I was a little taken aback. I thought Curly knew, but I guess he didn't. "Yeah, man. I've been busy."

"Yeah, sure you were, man," he slurred.

"You know where I could find my brothers?"

Curly took another swig from his bottle, drinking its last drop. "Ya know more than me, Pony."

I sighed, not saying anything to Curly about being in foster care, or how Darry lost custody. I can't believe out of everyone in Tulsa that I know that I could've run into tonight, I get stuck with Curly Shepard. Curly could be very smart, but the majority of the time he was a real pain in the ass.

"Hey, ya wanna hang out tonight? Me and the gang are gunna go to a party, they'll be fights and booze."

I gave him an awkward smile. "No thanks, Curly."

The boy stood up, grabbing his empty bottle. "You're too pure, Curtis."

I shook my head. I knew he was wrong. Even though it happened only once, I still made that choice.

"Wait, Curly." I knew he was drunk, and the chances of him remembering were slim, very slim, but it was worth a shot. "If you run into my brothers, or even Two-Bit or Steve Randle, tell them I'm okay. Tell them I'm sorry."

"You're crazy, Ponyboy Curtis, but I'll try. See ya around, man."

"See ya," I mumbled even though I knew I wouldn't have.

I sat there for a few moments, despite the noises around me, everything was silent. I wish Curly didn't leave because I didn't want to be alone, but I was. I tapped my fingers on the table, trying to occupy my mind. I gazed around the bar, and that's when I saw it, or well him.

I rubbed my eyes to get a better look. I couldn't believe it. Behind the counter, bartending, working, was Two-Bit Mathews. Two-Bit didn't ever believe in working for a living. I guess a lot has changed since I left.

It took a lot out of me, but I got up, and began walked over. He noticed me, but gave me a funny look. It was like he recognized me, but wasn't sure if it was me. When I approached the counter, I gave him a smile.

"Hey, Two-Bit."

He looked stunned and astonished, I didn't blame him. I sort of felt the same way when I first spotted him.

"Ponyboy Curtis! What are ya doin' here, kid?"

It was weird hearing his voice, it was almost as if I forgot what it sounded like.

"Hoping I'd find one of you here."

Two-Bit swung a rag over his shoulder. "Are you alright, Pony? Is everything okay?"

I wanted to tell him the truth. I wanted to say no, that I was slowly dying on the inside and I couldn't stand this anymore, but I didn't. "Everything's fine."

Two-Bit was quiet, but his eyes never left me. It was weird, Two-Bit wasn't one to be in a silent conversation. He was always cracking jokes and keeping things fun and interesting. Now he was an employee. It felt wrong.

"Glory kid, it's weird just looking at ya. Why'd you come here anyway? Not home?"

I sighed. "I came here with someone else who has my bus ticket and would take off without me if I got separated. I was hoping someone would be here. How's everyone?"

Two-Bit shrugged. "I couldn't tell ya, kid. Things changed. Why haven't you called?"

"I got moved and they're very strict. But what do you mean they've changed?"

"You've missed out on a lot. Things ain't like they used to be here, ya know? I gotta job! I don't see them much because when I'm not workin' they all are. They came by to see me last week. As far as I know they're okay, but it's been a few weeks since I've actually talked to them and Steve for a good portion of time."

I shook my head. "That just doesn't make sense. Why are ya workin'?"

Two-Bit shot me a grin, the kind of grin I longed to see for ages. "It's a mystery, Pony!" He paused for a second and his smile faded. "No, I just got a little lonely."

I looked down. "Oh."

"No, don't worry about it, kid. We've all been missing you, heck even Stevie says things have been weird. But don't worry. Everything will be fine in the end. I know it!"

"I sure hope so, Two-Bit."

Two-Bit looked away for a moment, as sound of breaking glass stopped all the noise in the bar. Buck yelled something at him and he sighed. "As much as a lousy worker I am, I gotta get back to work, Pony. I'm sorry."

I nodded. "No, it's alright. I have to leave pretty soon anyway. Tell them I'm sorry I couldn't call, please? It was nice to actually see you, Two-Bit."

"Sure will. Hey, Ponyboy, don't worry so much. Oh, next time you come in town, give me a little notice."

I smiled and walked away. That whole conversation felt weird, like it was a dream, but I knew I wasn't dreaming this time. I just wish I didn't have to leave, that I could walk out those doors and go home, but if I did, Jase would definitely leave me here, I wouldn't be able to get home and Jase would probably rat me out.

My life just isn't the same anymore.

"Ponyboy, c'mon. We're leaving." Jase grabbed my arm, tugging me away. I noticed a scratch on his face and blood drizzling down his cheek. Guess I know who ruined my little reunion with Two-Bit.

* * *

**I hope you guys understood the beginning of this. If not it took place back when Ponyboy was seventeen and sitting in the car debating if he should get out or not. Exactly right where that section ended in the very first chapter.**

**This chapter was kind of a big turning point to the story. Things will be getting more... suspenseful pretty soon. I know it's been a little lousy these last couple chapters but I had to write them to get them out of the way. **

**Penny for you thoughts?**

**-MLC99**


	12. Journey

_**So This Is It**_

**Chapter Twelve**

I shoved my books into my locker, not even caring what order they were in slamming my locker shut, you could hear the metal echo through the empty hallway. I felt weird standing in it, usually it was flooded and swarmed with other students or teachers, but everyone else was in class right now. I always liked being alone anyway, and it wasn't something I got much now-a-days.

I wanted this to just stop. I felt like I was a zoo animal locked in a 're never alone, someone is always observing your every move. You can't escape from the bars you're locked behind, or the glass is too thick to break, or the fence is too high to jump. I don't want to be on display, I don't want to be treated like an animal by not having anyone listen to me. I want to go home. The thing is is that I can't.

I hear someone coming, and I start to panic. _What if I get caught? _I wouldn't even care. Maybe some how, I wanted to get caught in the act of ditching, perhaps I wanted to get into trouble. What Curly told me a month ago at Buck's, was absolutely wrong. I was the kind of person who'd try to avoid any sort of trouble, but that was then and this is now. The past doesn't matter to me anymore, it's just the future and right now, it doesn't seem to be too bright.

"Ponyboy," a voice I haven't heard in a couple of months caught me off guard. I haven't talked to Jared since the night that we ditched school with his buddies, or well what used to be his buddies. After his brother went to war, he hasn't exactly been himself and I didn't blame him. "Ya leavin'?"

I nodded. "Yeah, man."

"Then let's get outta here."

Jared walked out the doors and I didn't hesitate to follow him. He didn't say a word, he just kept to himself, was more quiet than I ever seen him. He was always the nice one in a group of thugs if that makes any since. He knew how to be friendly, to always keep a conversation going, but he wasn't to himself like he is now. I guess time has changed over the past three months since I really talked to Jared.

I can't even believe that was three months ago. I've been here, in foster care for five to six months and that's just hard to believe. It's just hard to believe or think about. I've been away for so long…

We got in his car and Jared drove me to the warehouse, the one that I've last talked to him three months ago. It was still exactly the same was I had left it, minus the hazy, smoked-filled air. He popped the cap off a bottle of beer that he brought in and handed it to me.

I hesitated, I didn't know what to do. Part of me wanted to drink it, but part of me didn't. I knew what that could do to you, but despite that, I reluctantly took the bottle out of his hands and he opened another one. I took a sip out of the bottle, I forgot how repulsive the taste was since I last had one when I was thirteen, but that didn't stop me from taking another tiny sip.

It was still quiet, and it was starting to bug me. I looked down into the neck of the bottle as I swirled the contents around in circles, trying to entertain myself, but it was just too quiet.

"What are we doing here, Jared?"

Jared took a swig out of his bottle, trying to drown out whatever it was that was bothering him. "My brother's not comin' back."

I took a swig myself after hearing that line. I thought about my own brothers, Darry and Sodapop. I wonder if they ever thought the same thing about me. I know I thought many times that I may never actually go back, I think about it a lot, and the more I think about it, the more I believe it is true.

"I'm sorry, Jared."

Jared just shook his head, he looked like he was about to burst into tears, I noticed he tried to hold them in, but he lost the contest. "I-I thought I'd be able to handle it. I knew, I knew it was gonna happen, th-that's why I was so pissed when he enlisted. I hated him, and I-I made sure he knew it," he choked. "He was dead to me, but n-now he's really gone, and I hate myself for saying that to him."

I nodded my head. I vaguely remember the last thing I said to my parents the last time I saw them, but I knew it was no where near what Jared had said to his brother, however I understood. When you lose someone, you blame yourself, even though you weren't responsible, you feel like you were. "I know how you feel."

"No, you don't." He looked up at me. "You don't know what it's like to lose someone you're close to!"

As much as I wanted to scream, I didn't. If anyone knew how Jared felt, it would've been me. I considered myself an expert in losing someone. I lost my parents, Johnny and Dally, and now my brothers and Two-Bit and Steve. I've lost everyone literally.

I took a long drink, emptying the bottle and set it on the ground before standing up. "Trust me, I do know, more than you may ever understand. Things will get better, Jared, but things have to get worse before they can get better."

I began to walk out, but he stopped me. "How can you be sure?"

I shrugged. "I'm not."

I left the warehouse and that was the last time I had ever seen or heard of from Jared, but I still thought about him every now and then because what Jared said to me made me remember when I did lose Mom and Dad. My parents died a little over a year ago, it was the most devastating thing that had ever happened to me. That day changed my life. I wouldn't be here, and Johnny and Dally wouldn't be gone if that car accident never happened. And things got really bad after that, but it eventually got better, just like it did after Johnny and Dally, but right now, it doesn't seem like things could get anywhere near better. Months had passed and I'm still where I am, separated from the only people I have left. _Had._

I began to walk towards the Millers' house, but then when I was halfway there, I changed my destination. There was some place I needed to go, someone I desperately wanted and needed to see. The only person who might help me out.

I made a couple of turns, walked down a couple of streets and cut through a couple of yards until I reached the familiar two-story house, but I was caught off guard as I noticed the sign on the lawn with "SOLD" written in bold red letters and I was totally shocked.

I was hoping to see Lanie, maybe even meet her son. I was hoping I could use her phone and actually talk to my family, let them know I'm okay. I'm sure Two-Bit told them last month like I had asked, but that was a month ago, a month is a long time to not hear from someone. I was also hoping to get some advice from her, because Lanie Johnson was the only person I could think of that could help me right now, but of course with my luck, that wasn't going to happen.

I turned around as a car began coming down the street. I saw it pull into the drive away but I just kept walking.

"Ponyboy?"

I turned around and saw a woman getting out of the car, papers filling her hands. It was Lanie, and well for another time today, I was caught off guard. I walked back to the house and I saw a small smile appear on Lanie's face.

"It is you!" she said happily, but despite the smile and her tone of voice, her eyes were everything but happy.

"What's with the sign? You're moving?"

Lanie nodded, the smile dropping from her face. "Yeah… I had to give up the house. I'm just here to meet up with the new owners and sign a few more papers. What brings you here?"

"I just wanted someplace to escape to." I stuffed my hands into my jean pockets. "Lanie, why'd you lose the house?"

She sighed stuffing the papers into her purse. "Erick, he's not doing so good. Physically, he's almost healed, but mentally… things aren't always easy, Ponyboy, but we have to deal with it. Whatever reason brought you here, you can't escape it."

I sighed, leave it to Lanie to change the topic from her son to me in the same sentence. "I'm sorry about Erick. You don't deserve it."

"Nobody deserves bad things. How are you doing?"

I shrugged my shoulders, I honestly didn't exactly know myself.

"You can tell me, Ponyboy."

"I haven't spoken to my brothers since I left your house, and things haven't been easy."

Lanie nodded. "Like I said, most of the time things will never be easy, but you just have to keep going." Lanie turned around and headed towards the house, waving her hand at me. "C'mon."

I followed her inside. It looked so different since the last time I was in here. There was no furniture, it was empty of almost everything. Everything but the phone on the wall and the kitchen table.

"You know, I invited them over for Christmas for you. It was suppose to be a surprise. I would have never done it if I knew Erick would be coming back when he did. I'm sorry you had to leave so suddenly."

I nodded. "It's okay. I understood."

I began to head towards the phone, but Lanie interrupted me. "Ponyboy, things will get better eventually, you just have to keep moving. Your journey may almost be done, or not even close, but you need to keep moving to finish it, and when you do, you'll find your way home. You'll get there, but the journey isn't finished yet. Everything happens for a reason, remember that, okay?"

Nodding my head, I could feel my eyes begin to water. I knew Lanie was right, because Lanie was right about everything, but I just wish it was almost over. I just wanted to get home so bad. I felt like I was on another planet in another galaxy, perhaps even in another universe rather than half an hour away from home. I felt like I've been traveling this journey for years and it will never end. But it had to end at some point.

"I'll try."

"I sure hope you do." She smiled while she crossed her arms. "You're a good kid, Ponyboy. I'll be outside, take all the time you want."

I smiled at her as she left. I waited until I heard the door shut until I turned my attention back to the phone. I guess Laine was right, I did travel a journey to get to this phone and I guess that journey was about to end but the journey to actually get home still wasn't over. I still had to keep going, even though I may hit a few bumps in the road, or maybe even every bump in the road. I wish Jared knew that. I wish I knew that earlier today so I could tell him that.

I punched in the number and waited. It rang a few times, then a couple more times but there was no pick up, just like the time I stood outside that one store. I gave up and began to walk away, but something stopped me. Something told me to go back and redial, and that's what I did. I spun my finger around one last time, entering the number and waited, listening for it to ring. I counted nine, but right in the middle of the tenth ring, it stopped, and someone had picked up the other line.

It was silent for a moment but I finally got heard a voice I was anticipating and hoping to hear.

"Hello?"

I stood froze for a second as if my words all got stuck in my throat, but I was finally able to cough them out. "Hey, Darry."

"Pony, is that you?"

* * *

_**This chapter is a little bit boring, but it brought a couple of good points and messages(at least I hope). Next chapter though should be interesting! (:**_

_**Shout out to **_**edgeof4teeners**_** for always keeping me motivating on writing and keeping up with the story! It means a lot to me!**_

_**-Michelle Loves Chocolate 99**_


	13. Square 1

_**So This Is It**_

**Chapter Thirteen**

That phone call was something that I had longed for for a very long time, and I held onto that phone as if my life depended on it, and at the moment, it really did.

Darry and I talked for a while. Two-Bit told them about Buck's, but Darry didn't say anything bad about it, I guess I liked that, but at the same time I wanted Darry to yell at me, tell me how I should've have been there, but he didn't say a word about it. He just said he was glad I at least got a message to them. Soda wasn't there though, Darry said he was at work and wouldn't be back for a while and I was really disappointed about that. I didn't know when the next time I would be able to call, and when I am I don't know if someone will be there to pick up the phone.

"Darry," I whispered, trying to sound like I wasn't about to cry. "I wanna go home."

The other line was silent, as I felt the warm tears slip down my cheeks. I knew Darry was trying everything he could, but I just had to say that, I had to let him know how much I really missed him and Sodapop. I felt so empty without them. I haven't been myself; smoking weed, drinking, even if it was just once, it happened and there nothing I could do to change it.

"I know. I want you back, too."

This time, I was quiet. Soaking in every moment I could, abusing the time that I had because who knew when the next time would be. With my luck the next time I'd be able to talk to them is my eighteenth birthday. I closed my eyes and let out a breath. "Darry," I said, "if you don't hear from me in a while-" I stopped, trying to find the words I wanted. "Darry, just don't worry about me okay? I'm gonna be fine."

"That's what worries me, Pony."

I ignored the last comment he made. "Just promise me you won't worry. Please, Darry?"

There was a short pause. "Ponyboy Michael Curtis, you're my little brother, I'm suppose to worry about you."

I closed my eyes, thinking. When I heard Lanie walk into the room, pointing to her wrist and I sighed, as I saw the people who were buying the house pull up. I guess I had no choice. "I'm sorry, Darry, but I gotta go. I-I love you."

oOo

Being away from home as long as I have been has really got me thinking. It's made be become more open and aware of the things around me. Sure I was always open to the things that were around, such as the sunsets, or the changing leaves during autumn but I mean the meaning of things. I mean, we take things for granted too much. We don't stop to think how we got where we are, we're just there and that's all that matters. We don't appreciate life. I don't know if its Mrs. Miller's mandatory Sunday masses, or if its just me finally not having the things I want around me.

I thought about those things on my way back to "home." That and about how different I am now than how I was when I left. Talking to Darry just made me realize how much I really have changed. I knew I changed, I did, but always tried to ignore it. Right now,] it's like I can't. I don't remember the last time I picked up a book by choice and not by force, or the last time I decided to draw something in my imagination. I don't pay attention to sunsets anymore... Could Darry tell? Did he realize I'm not the same Ponyboy anymore just by the sound of my voice?

For some reason, I wish he could. I wish he realized it as much as I have. I don't know why I want him to see that, but I do. I don't want him to know how much it hurts me, but strangely, at the same time I just want to shout it to him. Tell Darry I'm different now, and maybe he wouldn't want me as a brother anymore, I wouldn't want myself as a brother. Heck, if Darry knew I was just out drinking with Jared, he'd probably drive here and pick me up and take me away and hide me. Maybe in away I wanted that, but I don't want Darry to be disappointed. Maybe I should've just listened to the Millers, maybe I shouldn't have called him.

When I got back to the house, I instantly regretted my decision. Mrs. Miller greeted me at the door with an unfriendly look and I instantly knew I was going to have it.

"You skipped school!" she yelled the moment I stepped in. I shut the front door and looked down at the light blue rug on the floor. "Ponyboy Curtis, what were you thinking? With the grades you've been getting you'd think someone like you would try and do everything to get them back up!"

She looked at me, her blue eyes were full of disappointment and anger, perhaps the same eyes Darry would be looking at me with if he were here and knew everything; that I smoked pot, that I drank and played hooky a few times. Fortunately he wasn't here and didn't know a thing, and Mrs. Miller only knew about me skipping school-or at least that's what I thought.

The woman's eyes got even more disappointed as she looked at me. I tried to keep my gaze in the light blue piece of carpet but it was hard not to take peeks at her, wonder what was going through her mind, wonder what she was going to do with me. Ellie was in the living room, trying not to eavesdrop but it was obvious she was listening and watching between the looks she took off of the dog.

"You've been drinking too, haven't you?"

She knew and that's all that mattered. I knew I was in for it then. Mrs. Miller sighed, looking in the living room.

"Ellie, could you go to your room, or go play outside for a little bit please?"

The six year old ran off, dog following behind her and Mrs. Miller walked into the living room. I followed, still trying not to make eye contact.

oOo

I finished packing my bag. It wasn't much of course. I didn't have anything but clothes. It didn't matter though, it wasn't like I wasn't going to be moved again, and it's easier to be moved when you only have a few things. It was as if the only thing of mine that had value that couldn't be taken away were my thoughts, but it wouldn't surprise me if the day comes when I wasn't even allowed to think.

"Have fun in hell, kid," Jase said, leaning against the doorway as I tugged on the zipper.

I looked at him. "What do you mean?"

The sixteen year old rolled his eyes. "You've been in the system long enough, you should know. You're going back to the home."

"Just for drinking? That's stupid."

"It's the Millers. They want perfect children, the perfect child never gets caught. Obviously, you're not one of them."

I swung the backpack over my shoulders, the straps were getting worn out, and were starting to tear but I didn't care. It was one of the few things I had left from home, and I didn't want to lose it.

"Be careful, kid. You and I both know what that place is like."

I nodded and turned around. "Goodbye, Jason."

I walked out of the room, began heading down the hall. I couldn't believe I was leaving because of what happened yesterday. I guess Mr. and Mrs. Miller are very strict with their rules. They told me to be a good role model when I got here and I guess I wasn't.

"Ponyboy, wait!" I stopped when I heard the small voice from the child. "Do you have to leave?"

I sighed. I never really got to know Ellie despite how long I've been living here, but I knew she was a good kid, a kid who didn't deserve to be in foster care at all. "I guess so."

She sighed, but gave me a small smile. "You were better at being a big brother than Jase."

"Jase isn't that bad."

She shook her head and handed me a piece of paper. "I drew this for you."

I gave her a smile, taking the picture out of her hands. It wasn't that bad of a drawing for a girl her age. It was a picture of a horse standing in some grass with the sun shining in the background.

"It was suppose to be you, but I can't draw people."

"Thanks Ellie, I'll keep it forever."

oOo

It was never very comfortable in the backseat of Ms. Dailey's car, perhaps because every time I sat in that seat I was always in a unhappy mood, but today I wasn't really in any mood at all. I was just unimpressed I guess. I mean, it just the same old boring routine repeating itself, like a child wanting you to read them their favorite bedtime story over again so they wouldn't have to go to sleep. For me, however, I wanted the story to end.

The drive to Oklahoma City was as long as it was the time before. I didn't want to go back to where this thing all began, but I had no say in it at all of course. I hate it how no one wants to listen to me. No one gets my side of the story. No one gets what I'm going through. I drank that bottle because I wanted to, because I wanted everything to go away, but it didn't work. Maybe one wasn't enough…

I looked down at my hands. I wasn't sure what to do. I wish this wasn't so difficult. Maybe it isn't, maybe this is easy and I'm just the one making it difficult. Maybe it's time for me to learn how to live without my family; without my brothers.

oOo

When I saw the gates appear ahead, I instantly knew where I was; I was back at square one. I remembered that fence. It wasn't just there to keep people from getting into the the building inside it, but to keep people from getting out. I haven't seen this place since November and now it was almost May. I've been in custody of social services for five months going on six. I don't know why I bother to keep track.

Ms. Dailey gave me a forced smile, as she got out of the car, but I didn't return it. I was sick of this becoming a routine. I'm treated like an animal, maybe even dogs get better treatment thing this, I don't know, but I did know it was getting on my nerves. The more I'm in here, the more annoying it gets.

We entered, but I didn't get a tour this time. I was assigned a different room, and went through the same routine, put my bag on my bed and waited for it to get searched for drugs or weapons while they forced me to the cafeteria for dinner.

I forgot how much I hated the food, how awful it tasted. It's appearance was green and crunchy, and the mashed potatoes weren't even mashed. I thought about Soda for a second, he'd probably be a good chef at this place. I refused to eat like the last time I was here, a few bites was all I could swallow down my throat. Maybe if I got lucky I won't stay here very long like the last time I was at this place, or maybe they'll hire a new chef soon. Maybe they'll finally realize how awful the stuff they are trying to feed us is.

I stood up, getting ready to throw my plate away when I was stopped.

"Hey, Curtis!"

I looked up, and lightly smiled as I looked at the person who was vaguely familiar. I couldn't believe I forgot about him. "Hey, Jack."

* * *

**Sorry it took so long to actually get this up. I didn't have time to work in it because I have about five million presentations to do for school and never been able to actually do it. But it's up and I hope it was a good chapter. Sorry this story has been going down hill a little, but I'm trying my best to pick it back up!**

**Please, don't forget to leave a review. It really motivates me to get the job done and all. Thanks to everyone who has been reviewing! It means so much to me!**

**-MLC 99**


	14. Alone

_**Happy Thanksgiving 2014, guys! I'm so thankful of everyone who's read this story. Enjoy! :)**_

* * *

_**So This Is It**_

**Chapter Fourteen**

I looked around, and smiled. Everything was in order, only one thing was missing: Darry and Soda.

I don't remember the last time I was in this house. I haven't been home since I left back in November. It was almost May now. It felt like it was forever ago that I was last here at home. Time has gone by slow, I wish it didn't though. I wish it would go by so fast so I can finally get out of this whole mess and forget what happened. Forget that I ever left. I desperately wanted things to go back to normal. It's the only thing I wanted since I left.

The door swung open, and I gulped. I was scared of what I'd see, of what would happen. I didn't understand why, but I just froze as I saw the person stand in the doorway. Darry stood tall, like usual, you could hardly tell Soda was standing behind him. I took a deep breath, slowly breathing it out.

"Darry, Soda…" I got tangled up in my words. I've been preparing for this moment for the longest time, now that I finally had it I was stuck.

They didn't say anything. At first, I thought they were confused, or shocked, or didn't know what to say like I did, but after a few moments went by, my thoughts on that had changed.

"What the hell are you doin' here? Ain't ya suppose to be in foster care?"

Darry's words felt like a knife was shoved into my heart, slow, hard, and painful. I wasn't expecting to hear those words. Of all people who could say something like that to me, it was my big brother.

"I...I-"

"-Don't belong here. Not anymore, Ponyboy." It was Soda who finished my sentence. I stood there, shocked. I wanted to cry. I did cry. I felt like a baby, but I didn't care.

"But-" I whined but got cut off again by Darry.

"You're not in our family anymore, Pony. You don't live with us anymore. You're not our brother anymore."

"I didn't want to leave. I didn't."

"You left us, Pony. How do you expect us to take you back?"

"I didn't leave by choice. You know that. I didn't. I didn't…"

oOo

"I didn't…"

I jumped awake. The room was filled with a black, eerie silence and my heart couldn't stop pounding, I breathed deeply.

"Soda."

I looked over to my side and noticed there was nobody there. Just a bunched up blanket I must of thrown off myself while I was asleep. I closed my eyes, trying to calm myself down as the tears started flowing down my face like a waterfall. I didn't remember my dream at all, but it made me forget that I was all alone.

That I was in custody of the state.

That I was in a boys home.

Perhaps those first few moments that I woke up were the best I ever felt because I felt like I was home, that I wasn't alone.

I sighed and detangled the blanket and curled myself into it. Jesus Christ, it sure felt _great_ to be back here! I don't think I ever felt more alone when I woke up from a nightmare without Soda by my side. I think that was the worst about being away, however I knew I'd be seeing them soon. Very soon.

oOo

"So, Curtis, what are we going to do today?"

Jack looked around the cafeteria as if he had never seen it before. His brother sat beside him, head between his arms, he seemed even more quiet than he was when I left. I guess I missed out on a lot over the past couple months, but I didn't ask. I didn't want to know.

"You act as if there is something to do."

Jack nodded his head, taking a bite of his cinnamon roll. "There is always something to do, Curtis." His mouth was full of chewed food when he spoke. "Always an adventure. You just need someone to keep the adventure going, have someone keep you on your toes."

I almost forgot how crazy Jack really was. I guess that's what happens when you leave a place for a couple of months then return out of the blue. I'm not complaining. As much as I hated being at the Millers' and their stupid 'no communication with your family' rule, I find myself realizing how much better it was there than it is here. At least the adults there bother to talk to you and not treat you like a prisoner. This place is like juvy, only it's not.

"It's your adventure, Jack, not mine. Whatever you want to do."

Jack shot my a mischievous grin and I immediately regretted my words. I had no idea what I got myself into. He leaned back into the plastic chair and put his feet on the table. He flipped his long brown hair, that normally had grease in it, as he looked up at the ceiling. "Whitney, Curtis, today is going to be a good day. I swear on my dead mother's grave, it will be terrific!"

Whitney didn't bother to lift his head at this. He kept it on the table. Jack seemed not to notice, so I just ignored it.

"What are we doing, Jack?"

Jack looked at me, his grin still planted on his face and he gave me a wink. "Oh, Ponyboy Curtis, today will be the day we get out of this joint."

Whitney looked, up, hair in his eyes. "Jack, we can't-"

"Anything's possible, Whit. You just got to have a little faith, besides, you know my plans never fail."

Whitney shook his head. "Jack-"

Jack took his feet off the table and hushed his brother. "We've been here for months, Whitney. And they found a foster home for you, why do you think they want to talk to you after breakfast? You're leaving and I'm staying. Do you realize we'll probably never see eachother again?"

"How do you-"

"You of all people should understand how much this place destroys families more than anybody. We don't even know how Dad's doin' or where that bastard is. How will we even know if you'll be put in a good place or not? We're getting out of here, Whitney, no matter what you say."

I watched the two brothers look at eachother, I don't think I ever seen Jack so stern, so strick. I wondered if that's what me and my brothers looked like.

I sighed. "Jack, I think Whitney's right. And even with a brilliant plan, getting out of here is still too risky."

Jack gave me a look, but I tried to ignore him. I knew he was right, not about the escape plan, but about family. This place knows how to tear families to shreds. It happened to my family and has ripped up most of Jack's family, if Whitney leaves it will rip up his family completely. As much as I don't want to admit that my family isn't torn, it is. My family's been torn to shreds and thrown into the air like confetti.

I don't think I've thought about my family as a whole since I was taken away. Sure, I thought about Soda and Darry, but I don't think I thought about Mom and Dad, and if I did, it wasn't enough to remember thinking about them. It was that car accident that brought me to where I am today. You never know about the things that will change your life forever until they actually happen.

I missed my mom and dad and wish that accident never happened, but you can't change the past, you can only change the future.

"Someone's got to try. Look, Curtis, you've only been back for a week or two. You don't know what's happened since you've left. I don't want to be stuck here until I'm eighteen."

"Nobody wants to be stuck here until they're eighteen." I stood and picked up my plate, walking from our table to throw it away. Jack got up and followed me, his brother staying at the table.

"You know what it's like to be separated from your family."

I nodded my head. "I do, Jack. But no matter how much you don't want to lose him, you can't stop them. I know that." I dropped my plate into the bucket with all the other dirty dishes and Jack did the same. "Besides, I can't risk ruining tomorrow, and you know that."

Jack sighed. "I just don't think he can handle it."

"Nobody can handle it. Do whatever you want, Jack, but just don't do anything stupid."

Jack shook his head. "I don't know if I can promise that." And I knew that was true.

Whitney was told to pack his bags and left within an hour after we had breakfast. I didn't even get to say goodbye. Jack had a hard time with it, I don't exactly know what went down, but rumor had it, Mr. Smith, the man in charge, had to hold Jack down while the social worker and Whitney left. I felt bad for Jack. I knew exactly how he felt but I told him he couldn't do anything to prevent it. I guess this wasn't going to be a terrific day for him afterall.

Being around Jack and Whitney always made me feel like that's how Johnny or Two-Bit, or anyone else who was around my brothers and I felt. Jack was always protective over his brother, then he had to stand there and watch Whitney leave. I knew exactly how it felt to be separated. Watching Jack and Whitney was like watching me and my brothers.

My brothers.

I could not wait until the next day, unfortunately I had to.

oOo

I woke up the next day with no nightmare luckily. Jack didn't bother to sit with me at breakfast, heck, I didn't even see him in the cafeteria, but I wasn't really concerned about that. I only had one thing in mind and that was my brothers. Today I finally was going to see them.

Today was the day.

I felt like a little kid on Christmas morning. You've been waiting for a year for this holiday to arrive, it finally has and you want to just rip the presents to shreds so you can discover what is underneath the paper, but your parents take their sweet time getting out of bed, and then they need get coffee and find a camera. All you want is to open your gifts but you have to keep waiting even though they are right in front of you. Today was like my Christmas morning in April, and my present was that I got to see my brothers.

I ate all my breakfast. It didn't taste that bad, maybe because of how distracted my mind was. I've been dying for this day to arrive since the moment I left the house.

That moment was finally here. When I was called to the first floor, my heart skipped a beat. As excited as I was, I was worried the reunion would end up like the nightmare I had recently, the one where they hated me because I left. I was worried it was true. Deep down I knew it wasn't, but because of that dream I couldn't help but worry that it was true.

I was lead down the corridor by one of the old ladies who work here. My mind kept racing with different scenarios and things to say. I was nervous. I knew I shouldn't be, but I was. I vaguely remember her opening a door and guiding me into a room where my brothers sat on a couch, and I was so thankful.

"Ponyboy."

* * *

**Ugh. Sorry it took me longer to get this chapter up. I've been sick. Thanks for the reviews! I really appreciate it. Please though, don't forget to review It really motivates me and makes my day 100% better. Trust me, I've had an awful week. C'mon, for Johnny. Sweet. Innocent. Johnnycakes. I'm sure he'd appreciate the love. (:**

**Happy Thanksgiving, once again! Gobble, gobble! :)**

**-MLC99**


	15. Moments Only Last A Moment

**Merry Christmas 2014(well a day late), and Happy Holidays! **

**Beginning... remember back at the beginning of chapter one and eleven. The first part is a skip into the future, but then it switches back to where I left off at on chapter 14. **

* * *

_**So This Is It**_

**Chapter Fifteen**

I arrived here, hoping to have a nice, happy reunion. A "Oh, Ponyboy, I missed you" and all that lovey dovey family stuff that I haven't experienced in the longest time. I felt like that's what I needed to bring the person I used to be back. I was not the person I was when I left so long ago.

"Ponyboy!" Darry shook his head. "You can't just show up here without telling me why the heck you're here and not wherever it is your suppose to be!"

I looked up. It was nothing near the response I was hoping to receive. I wanted this to be a happy moment. I needed a happy moment, but it didn't look like I was gonna to get it. "Yeah!" I felt myself getting angry and I gripped harder on my backpack strap, the only thing that's stuck by my side throughout this whole adventure. "And you don't even care wherever it is that I'm suppose to be! No one does."

Darry stood there, looking a little taken aback, but I didn't have time for his crap. I was here for a reason, to see him, see Soda if he still lived here one last time. All I wanted was to remember what being a family was like for just a short while before I took off. I didn't think I'd ever be able to come back here, and if I did, it would be a long, long time from now.

"Pony," he started and I rolled my eyes. "You and I both know that's not true."

"Bullshit."

I turned around, walking down the cracked sidewalk that lead up to the house I used to call home once upon a time ago. Once upon a time ago I didn't have to worry or deal with the things that are going on right now. Once upon a time ago, I had a family. Once upon a time ago I wasn't on my own.

"Ponyboy!" Darry said again. He grabbed my shoulder, but I shrugged his hand off, turning around to face him.

"DON'T, touch me. Just don't!"

I turned around again. "What's wrong with you? What's going on, Pony?"

I stopped in my tracks and turned back to him. "What's wrong with me?" I felt my rage building up even more, what's has been bubbling inside me is finally boiling over. "Huh? EVERYTHING is wrong with me!"

I saw the front door open. A woman poked her head out and I let out a silent groan. "Darrel, is everything okay?"

I rolled my eyes, turning my attention back to who I once considered to be the best older brother I knew, the man who once was known as Superman. "You obviously can't help me. Goodbye, Darry."

"Ponyboy!"

I ignored his call, walking down the sidewalk. Everything was wrong with me. I wasn't the fourteen year old kid I was when I left. I was seventeen. I was seventeen and I was ruined. I had no family, no one to count on. I knew nobody who cared about me. I was stupid to believe Darry did, or Soda. If they truly did care, I wouldn't be where I am right now. Broken. Shattered. Lost.

"Ponyboy."

oOo

_I vaguely remember her opening a door and guiding me into a room where my brothers sat on a couch, and I was so thankful._

"_Ponyboy."_

Have you ever had no idea what to do, and just froze up like a statue? It's like you forgot how to move, or breath. Things just go blank, like the world's still spinning but unlike everyone else, you're not moving with it.

After a moment passed by, I put on an awkward smile and stepped forward. Have you ever ran into an old friend that you haven't seen in a while? It's so great but so much time as passed that it's different. As weird as it sounds since I've missed them so much, it was so unbelievable that they really were here. Every other time I've seen them I always woke up finding it was a dream and not reality. Right now I felt like I should be jolting awake any minute, but I knew it wasn't a dream.

In my dreams, things would've already gone wrong by now, either they'd already reject me, scold me for not calling or whatever scenario my mind creates. I never had control of what happens in my dreams, but this, I had control over. Soda threw his arms around me. His scent. I forgot what he smelled like, and once it went up my nostrils it made this feel even more real than I already knew it was, but this time I could feel it. I could never feel them in my dreams, or smell.

"I've missed you so much, kiddo." Soda squeezed me tighter and I wasn't complaining. It felt so wonderful to actually see him for the first time in months which felt like years. I felt like for one moment everything was normal, but moments only last a moment and a second only last a second.

"I've missed you too, Soda."

Darry wrapped his big arms around the both of us. "How ya doin', little buddy?"

I gently pushed Soda off of me and looked to my oldest brother. He looked different, more tired and maybe even weak. I knew I could not tell him exactly everything, not that I ever was. Right now was the time to be happy, not to have people be disappointed in me. That's the last thing I wanted, and looking at Darry, I don't think he could grasp the idea of the thing that I've done at the time. Darry would act pissed that I did drugs and drank under age, but deep down, he'd really be angry at himself more than he'd be at me. Don't get me wrong, he would be mad at me, but not as much as he would be with himself. It took me a while to understand that, but now I did.

"Fine, I guess." I said. I always as the best liar, though I never was too proud of that. "Better now that you're here."

"You'd tell us if things ain't right, woulda Pony?"

I nodded at Soda. "Of course, but I'm alright, Soda."

Maybe if I told them I wasn't, they'd drag me out of this place in a heartbeat. If I told him about the things that I did with Jared and his friends, they definitely would be disappointed with me and I'm sure Darry would probably feel guilty for not trying hard enough and all that stuff, but I knew they wouldn't let me stay here if I spoke up, but before I could really rethink about it, the lady who brought me in here stood in the doorway, like I said, moments only last a moment and all good

have to come to an end, especially when it comes to me and my family.

"I'm sorry to intrude, but I'm going to have to have to ask you two to leave," she said, standing as tall as she possibly could to show authority to the two hoodlums who stood just a few feet away from her. "I'm sorry to cut your time short, but we are having a few security issues at the moment."

"What's that suppose to mean?"

The lady hesitated, not sure if she was allowed to say what the matter was to us. I wasn't sure if I was suppose to be concerned or not. Security issues could go either way. "It means we are having a problem and anybody who does not live or work here needs to leave. I will assure you it is nothing to worry about."

That wasn't the truth. I had to leave my brothers, but when I returned to the cafeteria later on for lunch everyone was talking about it. It was like they were all a bunch of girls gossiping about how the new girl was dating the hottest guy in school or about the dork spilled water all over her skirt at lunch, however that's not what these boys were discussing. Guys, you remember Big Billy, right? The guy who got into a fight with one of my old roommates, Jeremy? Well he approached me, setting his food tray onto my table-the one Jack, Whitney, and I used to share. Now it was just me and Jack, at least that's what I thought.

"You, you were the kid who's friend's with the troubled kid, right?" I nodded my head. Big Billy was never very fond of Jack, but he kept his distance. "Ya know why he did it? We're all pretty pissed at him, ya dig?"

I shook my head. I had no idea what he was talking about. Then I remembered the list. I remembered how he'd mark on himself everytime he and his brother got a new home so he'd never lose count. I remembered how I thought he cut himself for any reason except that one. Jack was capable of suicide, and once it finally dawned on me my stomach dropped to the floor.

I just sat there, stunned and completely felt guilty. He didn't even eat breakfast with me but I just shook it off and didn't care. I didn't care about it this morning and I felt awful.

"I mean, you think he's gonna come back? Because if that piece of shit comes back, he's gonna regret it! You know what they're gonna do to us, don't you?" Big Billy kept going on and I was completely lost and confused. "The security is increasing, we're gonna be treated more like slaves than we already are because of him. He took our freedom away with that stupid stunt he pulled. If I ever see that no good, rotten kid again things aren't gonna be pretty, ya dig?"

"Jack does what he wants," I finally said. "He doesn't care about rules or what anybody else thinks, he just does what he feels."

"No dip." Big Billy picked up his tray. "I swear to God, that careless son-of-a-bitch is really goin' places with all these skits he performs. He's goin' far, far, far down below."

He walked away, leaving me to myself and I threw my head into my hands. I couldn't believe it. Actually I could. Jack had a mind of his own. I knew it was hard on him when his brother left yesterday. If Soda was here with me and they decided to separate us I would be devastated and so angry, but I don't think I'd ever take it to the level that Jack did. I felt so disappointed in myself. Have you ever felt so stupid that you just want someone to walk up to you and slap you, perhaps knock some sense into you when they do it. Right now was one of those times.

I've lost a lot of people in my life, Jack wasn't very close to me but I felt bad that I wasn't sad. Well, I was upset about the whole ordeal, but I wasn't as sad as I should've been. Heck my only friend in this joint is no longer with us, I should shed at least one tear, but I couldn't. I was too disappointed in myself that I let this happen than sad about what had happened. I could've-_should've_ done something but I didn't. I thought he'd want to be along after his brother left and I guess being alone was the only thing he shouldn't have got.

I didn't eat my lunch that day. Or dinner. I pushed my tray to the side and sat alone and quiet as if that was the cure to solve all the world's problems, but clearly it wasn't. Why do I always get myself surrounded by anything that's not good? It's like I'm in a hole that keeps getting deeper and deeper. Soon enough it's going to be my turn for somebody to start shoveling the soil on top of me.

* * *

**So sorry about the wait. I had end of semester exams to study for and with Christmas coming up I had to get my shopping done and babysit, and I've been busy, but hey, hopefully after the holidays pass I can get a chance to catch my breath! Thanks for being so patient!**

**Merry One-Day-Late Christmas!**

**-Michelle Loves Chocolate 99**


	16. Change

**Okay, don't get mad at me. I know I'm totally slacking, but second semester is crazy and all that jazz. So sorry if you thought I just gave up on this, because I didn't. This entire chapter takes place in the future.**

* * *

_**So This Is It**_

**Chapter Sixteen**

Maybe I was being over dramatic when I walked away from Darry. I don't know. Darry was my brother, _was_. When I was dragged away from them a few years back, it tore everything remaining of my family to shreds. We weren't family anymore. Now as I walked down these streets that I haven't explored in what felt like centuries, I realized we can't ever be what we once were. There's no way to make up for the lost time, there's no way to patch up my past or theirs. What's done is done. Family's stick by each other through thick and thin, however strangers rarely do anything so intense for other people.

Darry was a stranger to me, and wherever Soda was, he too was a stranger. If I haven't learned anything while I traveled from home to home, one thing I will always remember is that people change over time. Everyone changes. We either mature, or have some event whack us upside the head telling us to wake up and get on. Darry obviously did, so did I, and probably even Soda. Hell, Darry had a girlfriend, maybe even a wife. I don't know who that woman was. Maybe I didn't want to know at all. Maybe I did. I don't know. All I did know was I just wish things could be the same but I know that can't possibly happen. This wasn't a fairy tale, and besides, fairy tales don't always end in an happily fucking after. Look at my life for example, there was no possible way for things to ever end on a good note.

"Curtis?" I heard someone say. "Ponyboy Curtis, is that you?"

I almost didn't recognize that face. It was bruised and he was missing a couple of teeth. Well, _some_ people don't change, but most do. "Curly Shepard, what the fuck happened to you?"

"Some guy thought I should get a makeover because I owed him some money and decided he wasn't worthy enough to get it back. That jack-ass is really gonna regret his decision though, if my name ain't Curly Shepard!"

I laughed. "Yeah? Who?"

"Steve Randle."

Steve Randle, of course. That's a name I haven't heard of in a while. Sure, I might have missed him, but that didn't mean I wanted to see him. I just missed being home, and Steve was part of that atmosphere. Now I knew I wasn't going to get that atmosphere back. Things would and could never be the same again, because all good things have to come to an end, especially in my life.

I looked at Curly, who stood in front of me. Really looking at him, really made me truly realize how tmie passed without me. The last time I seen Curly, as you know, I was at Buck's with Jason or whatever his name was. That was a long time ago. I came looking for Darry, but I got Curly instead. That's exactly what was happening right now. I came here to see my brother, now I'm standing here talking to Curly. I don't understand why I kept getting pulled towards him.

"What are you doing here, Pony? Did you get out or somethin'?"

I looked around. I really wasn't comfortable talking about the real reason I was here. "Or somethin'."

Curly looked at me intently as if he was thinkin' real hard. "So how's that brother of yours? Haven't heard anything about him ever since…" His voice trailed off for a second, as he shook his head.

"Ever since what?"

"You haven't heard?" I shook my head. "Gee, Ponyboy… I don't know how to tell ya this but Soda got drafted-"

Everything stopped. Soda. Drafted. It couldn't have been real, but apparently it was. I didn't think my life could go down any farther than it already was, but apparently I was wrong. It didn't surprise me though, I was wrong all the time these days.

"-entire time he's been gone. Curtis, you okay?"

I took in a deep breath and tried to put all my acting skills into what was being thrown at me. "Of course I am. How long has it been since he died?"

Curly raised an eyebrow. "Died? I didn't say that. Didn't ya hear me? He's been MIA for two years."

The last time I talked to Soda, I remembered it was a tough phone call. I was going through an awful time and I just didn't feel like things were ever going to get better. I felt so alone then, and that was when I need them the most and they weren't there. That phone call was the last time I had even talked to the both of them.

I looked down at the ground. The concrete sidewalk was cracked more than I remembered. It was going to need to be redone soon. The sidewalks could always be redone simply and perfectly without a problem, but relationships can only be patched, and those stitches don't look very nice. Taking my gaze off the worn out ground, I looked a Curly for a second.

"It was nice talkin' to ya, Curly. But I gotta go."

"Hope to see you around, Pony." He waved at me, and I then realized that even people as hard and tuff as Curly Shepherd could change. I didn't notice it at first, but now as I walk away from him, I do. Maybe everyone does change over time. I know I did.

I felt like I was going to get lost in a neighborhood I once knew like the back of my hand. I hated that I felt that way, but I kept my head held high and tried to remember every corner and where it took me to. When I passed the park, however, I couldn't help but go in.

It was pretty much vacant and abandon from the looks of it. I didn't understand why. Everything seemed to be in working order. The last time I saw this place this empty was the night I almost died. I took a seat on the merry-go-round, and stared at the fountain, I wish I did die that night because I wouldn't be in such a big disaster. I was always seen as the one who was going to be successful, I was nowhere near that road, in fact, I took a wrong turn and was lost. I could never be the person I was pictured to be. It was just impossible. I was broken and there was no other way to better describe it. The pieces are so tiny you can't even glue them back together.

Sitting here made me feel like I was fourteen again. I felt like Johnny was burying the switchblade in the dirt, saying how we needed to go find Dally while I shivered in my wet shirt in the cold. I missed Johnny. I almost forgot about him and his promise that I never did live up to because of the mess I'm in. I knew Johnny was and had to be disappointed in me, everyone up there was. I was disappointed in myself, but it wasn't entirely my fault, right? I didn't destroy myself, foster care did.

I stood up, walking away before the sun started to set. I didn't want to look at it. I couldn't make myself watch it and I wasn't gonna.

It was dark when I returned to the old house. I took in a deep breath, and calmly made my way to the front door. It felt weird, but I knocked. I remember unless you were a cop or something, no one ever knocked on this door. Everyone just barged on in as if this was their house, too. The couch was opened to anyone who needed it. Now, here I was knocking as if I was a stranger and in a way I was. This was not my home anymore, walking in would just be awkward and weird.

The same woman I saw earlier opened the door. She had dark blonde hair and green eyes. I could see it in her face that she had recognized me from earlier. "Darrel," she called out. " You have a visitor."

She gently walked away after a second as my brother came to the door, curious to know who his visitor was and he looked a little disappointed to see that it was me. Darry stepped out, shutting the door behind him.

"Look, I just came by to apologize for earlier. I didn't mean-"

"Ponyboy-" Darry tried cutting me off, sounding tired, but I kept going.

"I didn't mean to disturb you or yell at you. I'm sorry, Darry."

I turned around, walking off the porch. "Ponyboy, I know you didn't just come here to apologize. Why did you come by earlier?"

I tried to hold my emotions back and turned around. "To see you. I haven't heard from you in two years. I've called multiple times but you never picked up. Do I not get the right to see my brother?" My eyes began to water.

"Pony-"

I kept talking. "No. It's like you've been avoiding me for the past two years. I had to hear from Curly Shepard of all people, that Soda is most likely dead. Why didn't you tell me? Why did you never call me?"

"Ponyboy-"

"I needed you, but you abandoned me. You abandoned me when I needed you the most. I was alone. Do you know what that's like? And I showed up here, expecting everything to be okay, but it didn't end up like that. Why?"

The tears were falling from my cheeks now and I noticed my oldest brother's eyes tearing up. It wasn't a thing I'd often see. If Darry ever cried there had to be some good reason that he wasn't strong enough to hold those emotions back. "It wasn't like that, Ponyboy."

"It sure felt like that."

Darry leaned against the house, crossing his arms, trying to keep his cool or whatever. "Things weren't the same after you left here, Pony. I lost Mom and Dad, then I lost you. Soda was a wreck because of that. When you'd call and stuff, we'd tried to act as if we were fine. We knew you were the one who got stuck with the shorter end of the straw. If we pretended we were okay, it'd help you. Then Soda got his draft notice in the mail and…" Darry looked at the ground and hesitated.

"That was the last night we talked to you. Soda didn't want you to know, we didn't want you to worry because you had your own problems. Soda left here not much longer after that. Then two months later-" He took in a shaky breath. "Two months later I got a letter. Sodapop hasn't been declared dead yet, but he's just as good as. When I got that letter, it was like I had lost my entire family."

I wiped my tears. "But Darry, you still had me. You never lost me."

"But I did. When you showed up here earlier, I didn't know what to think, or do. I knew you were going to be mad at me. I regretted ignoring you, I still do, so when you showed up it was like I was a deer caught in the headlights."

"Darry, you once told me you can't stop living just because you lost someone," I said. "You did the exact opposite."

"Ponyboy, don't you think I know that?" he snapped and I didn't say anything back. We stayed like that for a few minutes. The only sound was the crickets chirping in the warm summer night.

"Soda's not dead, Darry," I finally said. "If Soda was dead, I'd know it. You can't ever give up hope. If you don't have any faith, you've given up on him and you can't do that."

Darry gave me a hug, and for the first time in forever, I felt like Ponyboy Curtis again. Like I mentioned earlier, people change all the time, maybe with the right help, I can change back. I just couldn't give up on that, just like Darry couldn't give up on Soda.

"You're right, little buddy." Darry gently let go of me. "Ponyboy, would you like to come in?"

I gave my oldest brother a light smile. I haven't been in my own house since I was fourteen. Maybe things could be okay again and the patch on my relationship with Darry would be mended back together nice and tight.

* * *

**I hope you enjoyed and thanks for being patient with me! I know it's like the first week of February, and I'm hoping things won't be as chaotic. Thanks to everyone who's reviewed, I know it's been a long time but I'm trying to pick myself back together since things are starting to calm down for me right now.**

**Also, I did not proof read this as well as I should've. I know there has to be errors because I just briefly looks over this, so I'm sorry about that!**

**-Michelle Loves Chocolate 99**


	17. The Hylands

_**So This Is It**_

**Chapter Seventeen**

"Hey, Ponyboy!" There was a shout as I opened the gate to my home. I looked up searching for who was calling me, sounded like Two-Bit. "Watch out!"

Before I had enough time to react, I saw the green gob flying my direction. Barely missing me, it hit the fence and water exploded everywhere. Two-Bit cursed.

"Ya missed!" I said, watching to make sure he didn't throw anymore at me. "It's the middle of October, Two-Bit. What's the deal with the balloons?"

Two-Bit grinned, climbing out of the shrub he was hiding in. "Why not? Ponyboy, have I not taught you anything?" he said, wrapping his arm around my shoulder, acting like he was about to explain to me something that really wasn't that important and I could care less about. "You said it yourself, Pony. It's fall!"

I rolled my eyes, Two-Bit rarely ever made sense to anyone but himself, and sometimes I wonder if he even understands his own logic half the time. He's his own person, own character. Sometimes I wonder what my life would be like without Two-Bit. I know it wouldn't be too pleasant without him to keep the air in good spirits.

"Don't worry, Pony. Good ol' Stevie will be off work soon and then I'll be sure not to miss! It will be epic, I tell you. Phenomenal! Formidable!"

I silently laughed, not expecting Two-Bit to know or even use such big words at once. "Alright, Two-Bit, just don't do anything to Darry, okay? The last thing I want is for him to be in a bad mood and get on my back for no reason."

I walked up the steps, homework on my mind and the fact that I don't even want to know why he wasn't in school today. Probably getting his hands on those balloons.

"Ooooh, Pooonneeyy!" Two-Bit sing-songed my name and I turned around. He was grinning mischievously, bouncing a red balloon in his fingers by its end. "Double the trouble, double the fun, am I right?"

I slid my backpack off and tossed it on the porch. An opportunity to throw something at Steve Randle isn't something I'd often turn down. I couldn't resist. A smile grew on my lips. The outcome might, and probably won't turn out too well, but I didn't care. Two-Bit knew how to keep things interesting.

oOo

I woke up, and I didn't know where I was at first. I was expecting to be home in the comforts of my own bed. However, I was once again in a new home, new bed, new family, new rules. The Hylands aren't bad, but I don't want to be here. I wanted to be home. I wanted to have that water balloon fight I had with Two-Bit right before I was pulled out of my family, rather than be sleeping in a house of strangers.

Luckily, I have a bedroom without a roommate now. I threw the blank off of me and shuffled in the dark through the backpack under my bed, searching for the one item in there that I snuck out of the boys home when I left two days ago. When I found the beloved pack of cigarettes, I walked to the opened window and lit it up. I might have sort of gotten away from my addiction after being kept away from them for so long, but the moment I heard I was being moved, I had to get my hands on a package before I left. And I am truly thankful I did.

I put the white stick in my mouth and everything suddenly felt slightly better. I miss being home, I miss my family and no matter how much I express that, I can never say it enough to make someone understand how much I truly mean it. I can't even remember how my kitchen is organized. If the forks are on the left side of the drawer or the right.

The white cloud blew out the window, and I wondered what would happen if I were to get caught. Mrs. Hyland never said anything about smoking when she gave me the rules. She seems nice, but she's strict. I never even met Mr. Hyland yet. He works all night and sleeps all day. I only seen him once and I don't think he even noticed me. Then there's Scott and Alex...

Scott and Alex are two other foster kids here. Alex isn't bad. He's nine and is just a bit annoying at times but he is tolerable. Scott, on the other hand is a couple months younger than me but that doesn't mean he ain't bigger than me. He's rude and I hardly been able to keep myself from completely losing it every time I'm stuck around him. Fortunately, I don't have to share a room with him, I don't know how I'll be able keep myself from not strangling him in his sleep.

I looked at the glowing orange-red end, almost about out. I watched it glow bright then dull down repeatedly. I thought about life-what I'd be like if I was still under Darry's custody, if my parent were still alive, or if Darry never got custody when they first passed away.

That last scenario really hit me. I wondered what things would be like for me now, the kind of person I'd be, what my family would be like separated. Life is just so crazy, like the cigarette in my fingers. One minute everything is wonderful, glittering, glowing, then you lose the sparkle, everything goes downhill before you can blink.

People believe there is a god in this world. Well, if there is a god, and God is supposed to be good and great, then why do we lose the people we love? Why do we suffer and why are we put into situations that we can't handle? If God is real, He sure ain't good. He's shootin' bullets at me and I'm struggling to dodge them. How long can I hold on before I'm finally wounded?

I can understand a lot of things. I know a lot of stuff and it's easy to comprehend, but life is something I don't understand. To live a happy life, you have to be happy. Happiness isn't something I felt for a long time. Happiness is a rare feeling for myself nowadays. I don't want to feel unsatisfied anymore.

I _DON'T_ want to feel unsatisfied anymore.

I _DON'T_ want to feel miserable anymore.

I _DON'T_ want to feel sad and bitter anymore.

I _WANT_ to feel better.

I _WANT_ to be myself again.

If only that were that easy. Things only look easy, but things are never as simple said than done. If they were we'd be doing impossible things, I'd be doing and feeling something impossible for myself. I'd be happy.

I _WANT_ to be the person I was with Two-Bit the day of the balloon fight.

Two-Bit might have been weird and unique, he was his own person, but I'd kill to hear one of his unnecessary comments or ideas that was complete nonsense. Living life without Two-Bit is too dull. I don't like it and I never will get used to it.

If God is real, I wish He'd stop punishing me for whatever it is I did. I just want to live a normal life and stop being moved place to place. I just want to stop wanting things and move on. I want a lot of things but it just ain't that simple.

Ashing out the white stick, I looked at the clock on the wall. _11:59_. _12:00_.

Happy birthday to me, I guess.

oOo

When morning arrived, I silently waited for the time to pass. Birthdays were always things where you needed people to be there for you. I don't have anyone I want around me these days to celebrate with me anymore. It's ridiculous, but it's my life. It's just another thing I have to deal with.

I felt like I was a piece of furniture. People sell furniture or put it out on the curb and someone takes it before the trash men can, then the furniture's put in a new home but will eventually be moved again. I keep getting moved like unwanted furniture and I hate it.

The last thing you want to feel like on your own birthday is a piece of unwanted furniture.

The house was quiet, almost silent. I checked around; no one was there. It was the first time I have been alone since I left the Millers. The first time I was free. Even if it was just for a little while, I had savored every second.

The phone was on the end table by the couch. It wasn't that I wasn't allowed to use it, I just didn't ever want to have a phone conversation when there was people around to listen. I struggled to dial the number I once had sewed into my brain, but as the time had passed, the stitches had become loose, but I managed to figure it out and silently waited as it rang.

"Hello?"

My stomach dropped. "Steve?"

The was some yelling in the background then staticy shuffling sounds. I wasn't sure what was going on.

"Two-Bit, give me the phone!" Steve grunted through the receiver, followed by a "NO WAY!" from Two-Bit.

The shuffling went on for a few more seconds and I just hung up. If those two were bickering over the phone, that shuffling was going to be going on for a while. I wondered how long it would take them to realize I hung up on them.

I closed my eyes, trying to dial the number to the DX. It took me a few attempts, but I finally found the right combination.

"Hello! Welcome to the DX! How can I help you?"

I took in some air. "I'm lookin' for Sodapop Curtis, is he workin'?"

"Sure is! How can I help you?"

I sat down on the couch, not exactly sure what to say. I just wanted someone to talk to and Soda was always the perfect contestant. "Hey, Soda."

"Ponyboy! How are you? Are you okay?"

"I'm okay, Soda. I got moved again."

He swore under his breath. "Again? How many times are they gonna move you around at once, Pony? I feel like they're treatin' you like a dog."

I didn't reply to that. "How's everything, Soda?"

"Ya know, the usual. Darry's-one second, Pony." There was more shuffling and a little talking. "Darry's workin' too hard and all that stuff."

At least something was normal. "Of course he is. What about you?"

"Me? I'm fine, kid! Don't worry 'bout us. What's going on with you? You sure you're fine?"

I knew he wasn't fine. As I look back on this day, I should've pushed him to talk, but I didn't. I let it slide. "I'm sure. I just miss you guys."

"We miss you too, Ponyboy. You know that, right? Things just ain't right without you."

I was about to say something back, but there were more voices and shuffling.

"Pony, I gotta get back to work. I'm sorry."

I let out a silent sigh. "It's okay, Soda. I'll talk to you later, I guess." Little did I know that was the last time I would get the chance to speak to my older brother.

"I love you Ponyboy, I miss you soo much," Soda's voice said through the speaker before he hung up the phone, and I cried. I cried because I knew it wasn't true. If they loved me, I'd be home. I'd be sitting on my couch instead of this one that belongs to my current foster family. It wasn't true. How could anyone love me anymore? I don't even love myself.

I wondered if he even remembered that today was my birthday. It didn't seem like it to me.

* * *

**Hey guys, sorry it took like two weeks longer than I wanted, but better late than never! ;)**

**Thanks so much for the reviews and the feedback, it really keeps me motivated with the story and makes me want to write. I just can't find the time to write because school's just... gross. Anyway, thanks so much, you don't realize how much I appreciate it! You guys are so awesome!**

**-MLC99**

**P.S If everything goes right, the next chapter should be epic!**


	18. Eighteen

**Okay, if any of you check my profile, you would've notice that I put myself on hiatus until I got out of school. Now that I just recently got out of school for the summer I've been working these past three days trying to put this story back together. The first half is kind of boring, but I think I may need that for a future chapter, haven't decided so I just wrote it just in case, the second part really kicks off the next couple of chapters. I really hope to have this story finished by the end of the summer. If you haven't noticed in two more days this story will be a year old!**

* * *

_**So This Is It**_

**Chapter Eighteen**

Have you ever gone outside, snow completely covering the ground, and felt like you've been blinded by its reflection of the light? It's almost as painful as turning on a light in the middle of the night when you just woke up. Well, that's how I felt like. The realization that I was completely on my own just smacked me across the face. Of course I did know this for a while and have felt it, but now I knew I was never going to get out of this place until I was eighteen.

Golly, I wish I was eighteen.

"Alex, stop that!" I yelled as I watched the nine year old somersault off the couch. I don't remember being this crazy when I was younger. Sure, the last thing Darry wanted was to be babysitting me while Soda got to do crazy things with Steve, but at least I didn't nearly kill myself with the stunts this kid does. I swear I will never pick up babysitting as a career, or anything related to kids in general.

The kid walked off fine and unharmed after the thud that came with the landing and shot me a mischievous grin. "Just trying to have some fun."

"Well why don't you go outside instead of wasting your summer in here."

"It's too hot."

I rolled my eyes. The kid was right, but still, I'd rather him be outside kicking a ball around in the heat than doing flips off the couch next to a coffee table with a sharp end. I didn't want to be held responsible for the injuries.

"Find something better to do."

I sat on the couch and opened up a book, something I haven't done in a long time, but I didn't read the words, well I read them but I didn't take in the meaning. I just read it to kill the time. Ever since the phone call the other day, I felt like a completely different person. It was nice to actually talk to Soda, but at the same time, it was heartbreaking. It didn't feel right. Something was wrong and I couldn't figure it out, and I knew Soda wouldn't tell me. Ever since I left, secrets in the family began. I kept things from them, they kept things from me. We all knew we were keeping things from each other but we never bothered to figure out what it was. I knew I should've tried but it was no use.

Now, I can't get the thought out of my head. Something was wrong and I wasn't there. Was I ever going to be there for them again? Were they ever going to be there for me when I needed them again? I don't know. All I knew was that it bothered the heck out of me and I shouldn't let it do that.

I guess I also knew I didn't want to spend my summer waiting on a fourth grader hand and foot.

"Ponyboy, I'm hungry."

I put the book down. "What do you want me to do about that? You're nine, you are perfectly eligible to work a microwave all by yourself. There's leftovers in the refrigerator."

He grunted and left the room and I was finally welcomed into the silence. I hated silence. I used to love it, but as my life changed, the things I appreciated the most did too. I tried to focus back on my book. Something about some kid in a chocolate factory and I got all the information just by reading the title. In frustration I closed the book and threw it on the coffee table.

I was fifteen. I shouldn't be wasting my summer and my life doing nothing. These years are supposedly suppose to be the the best years of my life, but I just feel miserable. I want to crawl into a hole or something and go into hibernation until it's over, but I wasn't a bear. I had to just deal with it. Unfortunately, this was only the beginning stages of a long, terribly difficult game; a game I did not want to play.

A crashing sound came from the kitchen and I instantly took my eyes off the book and towards the direction of the noise. I closed my eyes for a moment before quickly getting up and made my way into the kitchen. The sight before me blew my mind. The top cabinet was opened, and two broken plates littered the floor. Unbelievable.

"Oops." Alex flashed me guilty, "I'm sorry" smile. His cheeks were red with embarrassment. He just broke a couple of expensive plates and all he can say is oops? Not to mention he wasn't wearing any shoes and I wasn't either.

I closed my eyes, feeling the headache coming on. I was going to be in a hell of a lot of trouble. Seriously, I was not this bad when I was his age. Why can't this kid be like me?

"Alex, carefully go get me that broom and get out of here. Watch your step."

I now knew how Darry felt about me.

"What the hell happened in here?" Scott peered into the kitchen after Alex ran off to retrieve the broom.

"The kid happened. I don't suppose you would like to help me, would ya?"

"Nah, I'm leaving."

Alex came back with the broom. "Where?! I wanna go!"

"No, you have to help me clean up this mess," I said taking the broom.

"I'm going to a party. If Mrs. Hyland asks, just say I'm at the library or something, she always buys that type of stuff."

The party. The fact I knew nobody here didn't prevent me from getting invited. Some stranger randomly handed me that flyer when I just went out for a walk to get out of this house the other morning. I never understood parties, then again, I never actually been to a real one.

I looked back down at glittering floor. "Alex, go grab me a trash bag please," I commanded and began sweeping up the pieces, trying my best not to leave anything behind. Glass is one of the hardest things to clean up. No matter how hard you try to clean it up, there's always that one piece that's left behind and I was trying to make sure there wasn't a piece left behind, hoping maybe Mrs. Hyland wouldn't notice two plates out of twenty-something were missing.

I dusted the shards of glass into the bag, and carried it outside, disposing it and hiding the evidence. The last thing I wanted was to get into even more trouble than I already am with the state, even though this really wasn't my fault I knew I'd be blamed for it.

When I returned inside, I made the kid some food he clearly wasn't able to make and retreated back to my stupid book.

What am I doing here? Sitting reading a book I can't force myself to pay attention to and probably being the boringest person in the world. Seriously could've just not told you about this part of my day but I choose to tell you it anyway. If Alex had never broken that plate, I wouldn't have realized how crappy and useless my life was and would never have done what I was about to do next.

You see, my life, or anyone's life is like one of those plates. We only get one plate, and china can easily break, but depending on the break, it can easily be glued back together, or it could be shattered into a million pieces like it was and be extremely hard to place back together. It's possible, but will take a while and a lot of patience and dedication.

My life is one of those plates, however, I didn't know how to put it back together. I always try to push my problems away and just wait for someone to fix it for me and that wasn't going to happen. I had to live a little rather than not. I needed to define who I was without my brothers. I needed to go to that party… or actually wanted to go to that party, and I was.

oOo

When Mrs. Hyland came back from work, I told her I was going to meet up with Scott at the library to work on summer reading for school. She was so delighted that she thought we were becoming good friends and didn't think much of it. I guess Scott was right. Some people like to think teens are perfect and trustworthy. It really benefits my case, but her's well, I could care less about.

I stood in front of the house that was definitely not a house that would have came from my neighborhood and sighed. If Darry was here, he'd be all over it. He'd scold me and I would never hear the end of it. But Darry wasn't here, his opinion wasn't really important to me anymore. Darry didn't know who I was anymore. I needed to be a normal teenager for once.

The smell of weed, smoke, alcohol and the sound of loud music just smacked me in the face as I walked in. Definitely shouldn't have come. And eventually in the future, this is something I truly regret, but at the same time, I still understood why I did this and probably am the only one that possibly could. And besides, you never know if something is a mistake unless you make the mistake. So it always best to make the mistake and learn from it, however, I'm not quite sure if I did learn from this mistake or not.

"Curtis!"

The familiar voice called out my name and I nearly jumped. Can you get high just by the smell of marijuana or do you actually have to smoke it? Seriously, I had to be going crazy.

"Jack? What the hell, man?"

Last time I checked, everyone was pissed at this kid at the boys home because he made security at the place get stronger with the incident he pulled.

"Seriously, Curtis, you seem like you've seen a ghost. I see you've got out of the hellhole since I got myself out of there."

I shook my head. "Wait, you escaped?"

"You didn't notice? Geez, Ponyboy, we may have never been the closest friends but I was sure you'd maybe realize something was out of place."

This whole time I just assumed Jack killed himself. No one really gave details what happened to him. They just assumed I knew so I had to assume what happened to him. I guess things make much more sense now.

"Did you find your brother?"

Jack just shrugged his shoulders. "Nah, kind of a loss cause you know? I can't go to the people who'd give me information about him because first they wouldn't give it to me anyway, second if they saw my face they'd stick me back in that prison they try to pass off as a home."

Jack was right. Surprised he hasn't tried breaking into social services to get Whitney's files but then again, Jack is filled with surprises. He probably has a better plan to get his brother back. I only knew Jack and his brother for just a short period of time, but they were very close, just like how my brothers and I used to be. I gave up hope on my brothers, I hope Whitney doesn't lose hope in Jack.

The two of us found ourselves outside sitting on the patio with a couple of other guys and girls. The awful smell still filled the air out there, but it wasn't as terrible. I really wasn't paying attention to what was going on, more focused on what I was going to do to survive these next couple of years. I had just recently turned fifteen, and my eighteenth birthday was a long ways away. I was so into my thoughts that I didn't notice the blonde next to me try to pass me the lit, tiny rolled up thing.

"You gonna take it?" she coughed. I honestly didn't realize I was sitting in a pot circle. I probably am the stupidest person in the world.

"Curtis, if you ain't gonna take a puff, at least pass it over," Jack said to me.

I took it out of the girl's hand and looked at it. It sort of looked like a normal cigarette but at the same time it didn't and I knew it wasn't, but that didn't stop me from putting it between my lips. I coughed just like the girl next to me did. I was used to smoking, but this was stronger. Different.

I gave it to Jack, watched him take a puff like a pro and pass it off to the next person. "You're new to this, ain't ya, Curtis? Here I thought you were a regular smoker."

"Of cigarettes, Jack. Besides, I had one… once." I vaguely recall the day that I skipped school with Jared and his buddies after Jared's brother went to Vietnam.

Jack gave me a weird, mischievous grin. "Don't worry, Curtis, in just a few more puffs you'll feel it and you'll never want to have a normal cigarette ever again."

I raised an eyebrow. I didn't think I'd ever want to do what I just did ever again, because I honestly did know how stupid it was. However, the joint kept getting passed around, more were lit up and every time that blonde place one in my fingers, nothing stopped me from taking a puff. To be honest, I don't know why the girl next to me kept going. She couldn't stop giggling, but maybe she had a reason like I had.

"I don't know how you are ssstill ssticking with the sssysstem, Currrtissss." Jack was definitely high, as well as myself. "I mean you sshould jusst come with meee. Live a little."

Despite the lack of humor in what Jack said, I laughed. "Yeah, Jack, that'd be grr-eat."

And after I said that, everything else from that night was a complete blur. Bits and pieces are still stuck in my head, but I was never able to piece them together. But let me tell you, even if you know something is stupid, don't ever do it. Even though I didn't learn my lesson that night, I did nights to come.

What I did remember though is that Jack opened up a big opportunity to me. Maybe I didn't have to wait until I was eighteen.

* * *

**Just when you thought you'd never see Jack again, I always bring him back into the story. Never can get rid of the guy, can ya?**

**First things first, I did my research, microwaves were invent in 1946, but they didn't make the normal counter top microwave until 1967 and once those came out everyone had one pretty much. This takes place in the summer of 1966 so let's just pretend that microwaves came out in 66 and 67 if any of you guys are picky about time era. I personally don't think it's a big deal, but some do so that's why I had to address that. Sorry. :(**

**Second, I'm not an expert on any drugs. I did however take a health class and learn a bunch about this stuff, so I do know some. I've also never experienced this myself either, so my thoughts may not be accurate.**

**Thanks to everyone who reviewed, and also to the guest who reviewed earlier today while I was trying to work on this, whoever you are only made me try to type faster!Special thanks to 5 Seconds of Summer who's music really helped me get this chapter done. **

**-Michelle Loves Chocolate 99**


	19. Daniel

**First quarter takes place in the present(Pony is 17), rest takes place in the passed(Pony is 15).**

* * *

_**So This Is It**_

**Chapter Nineteen**

The house was different when I walked in than it was when I had walked out of it. First of all, Darry definitely got to fixing it up, making it look less worn down. Second, I was welcomed with the smell of something baking in the oven. Third and most importantly, my eyes found themselves glancing at baby walker shoved in the corner. Clearly, I didn't just miss out on Soda's departure.

"You want anything?" Darry asked me. I felt awkward. I was being treated as if I was a guest in this place, the last time I was here, I definitely wasn't a guest. I was a fourteen year old kid, just saying goodbye to my brothers as I was rudely taken away from them.

"Naw, I'm okay," I said trying to sound nonchalantly as possible. Darry took a seat in the recently replaced recliner, and I awkwardly took a seat on the newer couch.

"So what have you been doing, Pony? Why are you here?"

I sighed. "Like I said when you asked me earlier. It's a long story.'

My brother crossed his arms. "I've got time."

Okay, when people say "it's a long story," typically they don't want to tell the story and are trying to get out of it. I don't understand why people can't grasp that. However, I took a deep breath, thinking of another way to get myself out of this mess. I couldn't.

"Darry, I'm not the same person I was when I left. Trust me when I say you don't want to hear the story."

Darry raised an eyebrow. "Please tell me you didn't do anything illegal, Ponyboy Curtis. I me-"

"No. Not recently at least."

"Ponyboy!"

I rolled my eyes. Darry had no right to get mad at me for the things I've done in the past. He wasn't there. He wasn't in charge. I was in charge of myself, still am.

"It doesn't matter Darry," I said dully. "Not anymore. I just came here to say goodbye."

"What do you mean?"

"I'm leaving Oklahoma."

oOo

The next day was awful. I had a headache from the mixed drinking and smoking. I just wasn't feeling too great. I didn't even realize I wasn't in my room at the Hylands' house at first. I didn't know where I was, and that wasn't a great sign.

I was on a couch in a room with a busted tv, coffee table, and a recliner. The smell was awful and musky and the white walls had a yellow tint to them. The place was extremely worn down and needed to be fixed up, if fixing it up was even possible.

"Hey, you're awake!" Jack's voice was cheery and loud, which wasn't something that went well with a hangover.

"What happened last night?"

Jack fell into a chair as he lit up what I believed was a normal cigarette. He rested his feet on the worn out coffee table which tilted as he put the weight on it, and sucked on the white stick, blowing the smoke out of his mouth and nose.

"Last night… a lot of things happened last night, Curtis. You don't remember?"

I shook my head while rubbing the back of my neck. "I remember putting a lot of bad things into my body, but nothing else."

"Well, Curtis, it doesn't matter. Whatever happened last night, as awesome as it was, is in the past and doesn't matter anymore. So don't worry about it."

I did worry.

I looked over at Jack, who apparently is my new buddy and really looked at him for the first time since I've seen him last night. I didn't really notice it before, probably because of the things I did last night, but Jack looked different. He wasn't the same kid I knew from the boys' home. He was dirty, and the area around his eyes were dark. Maybe I should worry.

How did Jack even get this place, anyway? He's fifteen, well maybe he's sixteen now, I don't know. Point is, he can't legally own this place, and just by his appearance, he didn't seem like he had a job either. I looked around, yeah this place was a dump. Maybe it was abandon and Jack just saw a window of opportunity and jumped inside. After all, this is Jack, whatever his last name was. When it came to illegal, and legal, there was no such thing as a difference. They were the same word with the same meaning to him: who care's, I'm doin' whatever I want.

Jack was just like Dallas. Why it had taken me this long to realize it, I didn't know. I knew right then and there that he probably wasn't going to be a great person to hang around with and that I should just leave and return to the Hylands' house. And if I did, this story might have had a completely different ending, either a happier or worse. I would never know which one because something told me to stay with Jack. I didn't know what it was, but I felt like that was my best option at that time. At that time, Jack seemed to be the only person who decently cared about me. He seemed reliable and I needed someone I could trust. He's had my back ever since I entered the system and I didn't always have his. I mean, I did stick up for his brother, but before Jack broke out, I told him I didn't want to go with him.

Now here I was…. with Jack.

"Who owns this place?"

Jack shrugged. "No one in particular." Jack ashed out his cigarette and gave me a mischievous look. "What, you think I got this place illegally or something, Curtis?"

"Or something. You're an interesting guy, Jack."

Jack smiled. "Well, I really appreciate how much you think of me as a badass, but my cousin kind of owns the place. He doesn't live here, just gave me the space."

"He's okay with that?"

He nodded. "Yeah. My family's not the best. Ricky… he was put into the system too. He's twenty-five now so he's been out for a good while, but I knew the minute I got out of that place he was the person I needed to run to. He gave me this place and some money and checks up on me every now and then. Ricky understood why I had to break out because he's just like one of us."

I nodded my head. Jack always avoided talking about his family. Never really told me his reason of being in care. I had to admit, I was curious, but I didn't ask after he avoided it the first time. I knew the boundaries and I didn't dare to cross them. All I knew was that his mother was dead.

I massaged my temples, trying to rub the headache away, but my head just throbbed. I felt like it was going to explode and pieces of my brain would splatter all over these walls. Imagining the room like that actually didn't make the room look worse. Nothing could make this tiny apartment crappier than it already was.

"But hey, Curtis," Jack said. "I appreciate you staying with me. Kind of never been on my own and I've been a little lonely."

I nodded. I understood, and Jack understood why I tagged along with him. However, I wasn't sure how long I'd stay with him. Until I was eighteen? The only thing that bothered me about running away from the state was the fact I didn't know what I was going to do about school. It was August and it would be starting in the next couple of weeks.

I let out a sigh. If school was starting soon, that meant another event was looming around the corner. Unlike Jack, I've been on my own before. I mean, yeah, I wasn't totally alone, but that week was awful, and it's ending was bitter and sour. Now I was going to have to deal with that all by myself…. maybe I could get to a phone and call home. Just to tell them I'm okay and not to worry about it and to hear their voices. I haven't heard from them since my birthday, even though that was just a couple of weeks ago.

Jack stood up. "Do you wanna a beer or something, Curtis?" he asked, rubbing his hair. "I wanna beer."

My head throbbed. "Uh, no thank you, Jack."

"Suit yourself."

Jack left me alone in the living room again. This place was a great place just to get away for a little bit, but I didn't think I could spend the next couple years of my life here. My eighteenth birthday was too far away, unlike Soda's who's was as well just looming around the corner.

Jack came back with the brown bottle in his hand, already opened and pressed against his lips. He took a seat back down and looked at the coffee table.

"I never did tell you my story, did I, Curtis?" Jack swirled the liquid around the nearly full bottle. "Then again, you never did tell me yours."

I shrugged. "Nothing special. Parents died when I was thirteen. My brother had custody for almost a year, but then lost it."

Jack raised an eyebrow. "You're an orphan then, you lucky son of a bitch." Jack took a swig. "I mean, yeah that sucks, but my life would've been just so much easier if I was an orphan. Yeah, I'd still be stuck into foster care, but I would've been younger and perhaps adopted into a family instead of being forced to be apart of a family. Ya dig?"

"Jack, you don't have to-"

"Curtis, my pops wasn't the greatest. He and my uncle had a shitty childhood and grew up dealing drugs. When my father met my mom, he got a better job. Somethin' legal. They never married. They couldn't afford a real wedding and they were just too lazy to go down to the courthouse. When I was about seven or eight, my dad got fired. He didn't tell my mom and went back to his old ways."

I closed my eyes. I saw where this was going. Jack took another swig from his bottle.

"Well, my dad never completely left the bad stuff. He was usually drunk, anyway. He was never abusive, but he just drank and that's what got him fired. Well, when I was eight, Dad had an unsatisfied customer and at the same time, my mom found out about it. Somehow the guy tracked my dad down and showed up at our house.

"Whitney and I hid in our bedroom. There was a lot of ruckus coming from the living room. I was scared. I was terrified. I held my little brother in the closet. He cried because he didn't know what was going on or why I took him in there or anything." Jack took a long pause, picking at the hole in his jeans. He took another swig from the bottle.

"Suddenly, the noise stopped. The house was dead silent. But Whitney and I stayed in the closet. We were probably in there for an hour or so until I got out. I left him in there by himself and I went into the living room." Jack closed his eyes and took in a deep breath. "Curtis, I found my mother, lying on the floor, dead. I called the police. Whitney and I've been in state custody ever since. I was never told what happened to my father, or what had actually happened that night. I don't know how my mom died. I asked but no one told me."

I rubbed my eyes. Suddenly my headache was the least of my problems. "I'm sorry, Jack. I had… I had no idea."

Jack nodded, taking the last drink from the bottle. His eyes were dull and sad. "I know. I never told anyone that story before, Curtis. I don't know why I just told you."

We both sat there in silence. I vaguely remember my parents talking about some sort of incident happening similar to that when I was about seven. It was in the news paper. I remember hearing them talking about the two little boys who would be sent into foster care. I remember my mom saying something about how she wished nothing would happen to her and my father so my brothers and I would never be put into the state's custody. I heard Jack's story before.

"Jack, what's your last name?"

Jack look up and despite the fact he just told me a horrible, depressing story, he shot me a grin. "Like I said, Curtis. My dad loved alcohol. Daniel. My last name is Daniel."

Yeah, I heard this story before.

"Hey, Jack?" I gave him an apologetic look. "I really am sorry about what happened to your mom and whatever happened to your dad, but like you said earlier, the past doesn't matter anymore. Just don't let that night define you, because only the present can define us."

Jack raised an eyebrow. "Don't get all Gandhi and Aristotle on me, Curtis. I know how to live my life."

I sighed. "I sure hope so, Jack."

The hole one Jack's jeans got bigger. "My life wasn't that perfect either. When I was fourteen-"

"Save it, Curtis. I know your story. It's quite hard to forget a name like 'Ponyboy.'" Jack sat the empty bottle on the table. "But Curtis, don't let that story define you, either."

* * *

**_Hope this was a quick enough update for you guys! Um so I sort of messed up, which is something that easily happens when you are writing in two periods of time. _*Spoiler* _I might have said that Ponyboy already had his last conversation with Darry/Soda. I don't recall if I actually said last talk or not. Sorry, I just did my math wrong. there is going to be one more talk. Sorry if I said that. I kind of lied I guess. Oops._**

**_Anyway thanks to everyone for still reading this story despite my little break! If I get lucky enough, we should be finished with this story by the end of the summer or September(might)!_**

**_-MLC99_**


	20. The Gambler

**I am aware that I haven't updated in a month in a half, but better late than never. Hope it's an okay chapter. I had a hard time writing it.**

* * *

_**So This Is It**_

**Chapter Twenty**

_"It doesn't matter, Darry," I said dully. "Not anymore. I just came here to say goodbye."_

_"What do you mean?"_

_"I'm leaving Oklahoma."_

Darry's face changed, and to be honest, I didn't care. I was seventeen, I've been on my own since I was fourteen. Practically, I was old enough to be able to make my own decisions due to the amount of things I've been through. I haven't had an adult to look up to since the last time I had ever seen Lanie Johnson. Sure she'd probably be extremely disappointed with me. I didn't care, though. I didn't care about a lot of things.

"Ponyboy, you're seventeen-" His mouth moved, but to me there was no sound. My brother talked, but I didn't listen. I didn't want to hear a Darry lecture. Years ago, I would've been thrilled to hear one of his famous, very frequent lectures, but now I didn't care.

You're probably wondering why I'm leaving, and well I haven't actually finished telling you my story. If I haven't told you already, I've been through a lot. I've seen a lot. I've learned a lot. I grew up a lot. I've changed and I don't totally know who I am anymore. I do know I know myself better than anyone else, especially my older brother who hasn't heard from me in forever.

My story goes on, there's more to tell. But just because there's a story, doesn't mean the whole world needs to hear it. I don't even think Darry deserves to hear it, let alone wants. Some stories are best left untold, others should be told but aren't. It's like everybody you see is carrying some sort of bag on their backs representing the difficult times they faced or are facing, some heavier than others. Mine was one of the heavier ones, but some people may not want to dig through my backpack. Dumping it out and exposing its content in front of the entire world may not be the best idea.

I wondered what Darry's bag felt like. I knew mine was too heavy to carry on my own, despite I did it anyway, but Darry was good in keeping in his problems. He never was a story teller. He had to be up to something over the years. The green-eyed woman who opened the door, the baby walker in the corner. Was he married? I didn't see a ring on his finger. A kid? I didn't see any other signs of children, nor heard anything coming from anywhere else in the house. Darry was a very unpredictable guy most times while others he could be an opened book.

"...Are you even listening to me, Ponyboy?"

I shook my head. "Sorry. How is everything, Dar? Two-Bit, Steve? What have you guys been up to?"

My older brother shook his head. "More than you want to know, Pony," he said, putting his elbows on his knees. Darry's head sank into his hands. Maybe his backpack was as heavy as mine. "More than you need to know."

I looked down at the hard wood floor I used to play on when I was a little kid. Floor I haven't seen in years. "I feel the same."

Darry's blue eyes peaked out of his hands. Is it bad I almost forgot that he even had blue eyes? I feel like I'm the worst brother on the entire planet sometimes. "Pony, I'm your brother. I'm your older brother, meaning your problems are my responsibility. Whatever's wrong, you need to tell me."

"Nothing's wrong, Darry."

"Ponyboy, don't feed me that shit! If nothing was wrong you wouldn't feel the need to flee the state."

I rolled my eyes. I guess he didn't get it and I didn't want to spell it out for him. I opened my mouth, about to expose to Darry everything that had happened to me when the doorknob jiggled, and the door swung open. Steve Randle walked in with a swollen nose and cut lip. He didn't notice me at first, but when he did, it took him a minute to gather words.

"Ponyboy, that you?" Soda's best friend looked at me in disbelief. Steve and I haven't seen each other since the day I left. Who knew a guy like Steve Randle would save me from telling Darry everything that had happened over the years.

"What happened to you, Curly Shepard?" I remembered seeing Curly earlier, his face all beat up apparently all because he didn't pay Steve back.

He raised an eyebrow. "You know about him? Naw… he didn't do this. Some guy cleaned me out at some poker not too long ago. Kind of bet more than I had...What are you doing here?"

My mind went blank. _He_ couldn't have been here, could he?

Darry looked over at me, still waiting for me to answer. "He was just about to tell me."

I ignored Darry's stares and turned my attention towards Steve. My brother was going to have to wait. "Who'd you play?"

Steve shrugged. "Some really messed up guy. Why?"

"Did he say anything?"

Steve looked at me weird. "Of course he said things, kid. Gee, haven't seen ya in forever and now you're questioning me about my weekly poker night. But if it's important, his name's Daniel, said he needed the money for his brother or something."

Whitney. I needed to get to him immediately.

"I have to go," I announced as I stood up from the couch and headed for the door. Darry looked alarmed. I needed to get to that door before he could stop me. I didn't have time to talk to him anymore. "It was nice seeing you two again. Tell Two-Bit-"

Darry gripped my arm. "Ponyboy! Tell me what kind of trouble you are in, right now!"

My brother's grip was hard and I couldn't break loose. "I'm not in any trouble!" I yelled. "But someone else will be if I don't go help him!"

oOo

Jack's story lingered in my mind, as well as my hangover. But despite the fact I was feeling a bit under the weather, I left that house later that day. I may have lived in Owasso before I moved to the Hylands', but this place was still too unknown for me. After I roamed around for a while, I finally found the place I was looking for; the Hylands' house.

I wasn't leaving Jack behind. However, the little belongings that I had at that time were there and if I was going to be staying with Jack's in his cousin's apartment I was going to need my clothes. I also didn't know exactly how to respond to Jack. I couldn't treat him a different person even if he revealed a side to him I have never seen. I guess I always knew there was some bad side behind him, I just didn't know until now.

"Well, look who finally decided to show up."

I climbed through my bedroom window at the Hyland's only to see Scott's face. His mischievous grin revealed his white teeth in a way that made your bones rattle, but I bite my tongue. I had things to get done and I wasn't going to let him get in my way. I pushed Scott aside and tore my backpack open, stuffing clothes and the other few items I had owned.

"So you're just leaving?" he asked dully. Actually, it was more of a statement than a question.

"I'm sick of being shoved around."

"Well so am I."

I looked at him as I swung my bag over my shoulder. His grin was gone and his face was straight. This was probably the longest Scott and I have ever been in a room alone together. "Sorry, bro. You can't come."

He shrugged. "Didn't say I was gonna. I'm just telling you, leaving may not be the best option."

I nodded. "I know. But I feel like it's my only option." I shook my head. "It _is_ my only option."

I looked at Scott. This wasn't the last time I was ever going to see him. I saw him again later,but we'll get to that. Don't get me wrong, I did consider coming back here, and this story probably would've turned out completely different if I had stayed at the Hylands. It wasn't even like they were bad people or anything. If I stayed, I probably would've avoided everything that was going on in my present. However, the decision I had made benefited someone else. It may not have been best for me, but if I didn't take the path I was just about to take, someone definitely would have suffered the consequences. I didn't know that at the time, though.

"I hope you know what you're doing, Ponyboy," Scott told me in a low voice as foot steps hit against the floor down the hall. He tossed me a t-shirt that I missed when I dumped everything in my bag. "You better get going."

I nodded and gently smiled at him. Maybe Scott wasn't that bad of a person after all. He just refused to associate with me until the minute I was walking out the door. "Thanks."

Jumping out the window, my bag hanging off my shoulders. This wasn't the first time I ran away, but it was the first time I ran away packed and prepared. In fact, the last time I ran away was nearly a year ago. About three or four weeks from now would've marked the anniversary of the night Johnny and I got jumped at the park. Man, if that never happened, my life would be so different right now. I wouldn't be here in Owasso. I'd be in Tulsa, I'd be home wishing school wasn't about to start, hanging with Johnny and Two-Bit, or maybe even Dally. I might have been good at school, but that didn't mean I had to enjoy it.

August was here and it was hot. Leaving that place made me think that maybe since it was the start of the month that things might start taking a complete turn in a good way. I thought that this move may actually help me get back home. I didn't know it at the time, but it didn't.

oOo

When I arrived at the apartment, at Jack and I's apartment, I saw him sitting on the couch hunching over the coffee table. Smoke from his cigarette filled the room as Jack played around with cards.

"Curtis!" he said with an enthusiastic tone. A card flew out of his hand and fluttered to the ground. "I was waiting for you."

"Yeah?" I threw my backpack onto the floor and wiped the sweat off my forehead. Man, it could get hot in Oklahoma during the summer season.

"Yeah! You know how to play poker?"

I shrugged. Yeah I knew how to play. I wasn't very good at it. Soda and Steve were always the ones who knew how to win. Those two were always great at it, or course they cheated almost always.

Jack gave me a smirk, gathering the cards together on the table. He began shuffling. "Haven't played in a while, but I used to be the best player ever. No one was able to beat me."

I raised an eyebrow. "Really? I thought it was difficult to tell good poker players were bluffing?"

"Take a seat, Curtis. It's just you and me. I need to practice for tonight," he said as he began dealing out the cards.

Sitting down, I looked at the faced down cards in front of me. I hated this game with a burning passion. I always lost.

"You do this frequently, Jack?"

He nodded. "I need to make a living somehow, Curtis. Now let's play!"

That was the day I learned Jack really was a great gambler. Better than Soda and Steve's skills combined.

* * *

**Hey, guys! I'm so sorry. Things just went out of hand this past month. I had to leave town for a couple of days for personal reasons, and when I got back I had to work on summer homework, and also I've been working on original writing pieces of mine. I didn't forget, I just didn't have the time. Sorry!**

**Thanks to everyone who has reviewed/followed/favorited this story or me as a writer. It means so much to me and hopefully I can update quicker next time!**

**-Michelle Loves Chocolate 99**


	21. Not An Update AN PLEASE READ!

_***NOT AN UPDATE***_

Hey everybody!

Just to say this again, this is not an update, and I apologize for any inconveniences. How are you guys? Long time no see. Apparently a year in a day.

I'm just going to flat out say it, there are many reasons to why I haven't updated in a year. Personally, I haven't been my best. I've been slacking with everything, I have no motivation for anything anymore, even the things I used to love. I used to get so excited to write, but that doesn't happen anymore. School literally has sucked the life out of me. I rarely ever did my homework this past school year honestly, you can ask anyone who's gone to school with me, "math homework... yeah I thought about it... but uh... i figured there was no point to do it cause... uh... I DON'T UNDERSTAND!'' yeah suddenly I have become that student. Honestly, i've never been that kind of person until this past year. You guys should know I haven't updated in a year in a day for Christ sakes!

So I hope you guys get it. I haven't really been in that healthy of a state of mind. I probably actually have depression, I'll admit it. I probably do. But I will tell you I am trying to put this story back together. So if any of you readers are interested in reading again, please do. I am trying my best. I had a rough school year, having literally written more research papers than the average person should've written and all that. And trust me, you write 5 million research papers and essays, any type of writing makes you want to cry. Even the fun kind.

So yes. I do really want to apologize. I know this behavior is just nonsense and not acceptable. I I apologize. I will try to continue this story as much as possible. Writing once upon a time ago was my escape, and it's just not anymore, but I don't intend on leaving this story, and I don't want to.

Thank you for your patience and support. Stay beautiful and stay gold everybody. I love you all very much.

-Michelle Loves Chocolate 99


	22. Different

**Well I did it. I updated. Let's celebrate. Chocolate cake, anyone? No? More for me!**

**Enjoy! :)**

* * *

_**So This Is It**_

**Chapter Twenty-One**

August turned into September and September faded into October. I've been living with Jack for two months and I don't think I've ever been happier since I left my family. I wasn't completely happy, though. I just… more… I don't know. I mean, living with Lanie wasn't bad, it was actually probably more appropriate than living with Jack, but here I felt different. Hell, I was a different person everyday almost.

I looked at myself in the mirror. My hair lost it's red tint to it and I grew a few inches since I left home. I thought about going back and visiting. I honestly did because I missed them, but I've been so paranoid that Darry would turn me in. I mean it's not like I'm a fugitive but I'm still kind of hiding out even though I know no one is probably looking for me. I doubt my brothers even know I left, which I'm quite glad about. If they knew they'd probably start hunting for me and knowing my brothers they would track me down. Despite that I haven't seen them in nearly a year and that I truly did miss them, seeing them just wasn't good at the moment. A lot has happened in the past two months.

Like a lot.

Today, however, wasn't just a plain ordinary day in October. As the seasons slowly changed from summer to fall, a certain seventeen year old slowly changed into an eighteen year old. Today was Soda's birthday. I stared vacantly into the mirror, thinking about him and how I should give him a buzz, but I didn't have the time for it. Snapping out of it I looked at my reflection again, I looked more like him than I ever did and that scared me.

"Curtis, ya ready?" Jack called out. I threw my t-shirt over my head and met him in the living room, pushing my arm through the sleeve. "We got places to be! Come on!"

oOo

Darry had forbidden me from ever going into a bar or any kind of club when I was younger. I did break that rule on occasions. For instance the night Johnny killed the Soc and when I went out of an old roommate from foster care… what was his name? I don't even remember. Jason, that was his name.

Anyway, I was breaking that rule all the time now. Gambling was Jack's thing-in fact that's how we made most of the money the two of us have in our pockets. We worked as a team. Jack played with the cards while I managed the money and kept an eye out for things. I was pretty good at reading people and am naturally very observant. I'd signal to Jack who I thought was bluffing and he'd take the message and play. We were a pretty good team. You wouldn't believe the amount of money you could get you're hands on if you're a great poker player!

Jack stood up from the round table, gathering all of the cash, and the two of us gunned for it, you never know who's going to be mad about how much they just lost, and you never actually wanted to be in that fight, especially when you're a teenager who should be somewhere else. If the police were ever called on us, Jack and I both knew how much trouble we would be in. Going back there was not an option between the two of us.

We stopped running. My lungs burned from just a simple sprint. Despite how I practically quit, Jack helped me rebuild my smoking habit and my lungs weren't too pleased about it. It didn't seem to phase Jack, though. He stopped and counted the money in broad daylight before shoving a portion into my hands.

"Here. That's a hundred bucks." I looked at the green paper in my fist. As Jack began to go in the opposite direction from our house. "Don't spend it all in one place, Curtis."

"Where ya goin'?"

"Places." He turned around, walking backwards away from me. He raised his hand and waved. In response, I did the same. "See ya later, Curtis!"

Jack had a thing for going places and keeping it a secret of where he was going. It never really bothered me. I mean, in a way it kind of did, but I got over it. I didn't know what he was doing and if he ever got into trouble, it would most likely get me into trouble. Trouble was something I tried to stay away from as much as possible. But I had no control over what Jack did, I couldn't do anything about it so it was best for me to stay out of it.

oOo

When Christmas rolled around, Jack and I had more money than I ever could imagine having as a fifteen year old. The thing was, I didn't know where it was coming from. We gambled a lot, but Jack just kept coming to our apartment, dumping piles of green paper in front of me. I didn't know where he got the money. I didn't question it, and I didn't really care. I had money, and it felt kind of good.

Money can't buy happiness, but it can buy things that can make you happy. At the time, I felt happy. Isn't life's purpose is to find happiness and keep it? I didn't want to lose it. Money was coming and it was great. I wasn't going to give that up that easily.

oOo

If I was ever asked which season was my favorite, I'd say spring. Everything becomes active in the spring. It's always so beautiful and the air is always fresh. In the springtime, I always felt free. However, when March rolled around, things were everything but free and fresh. Everything started crumbling.

"I have to find him, Ponyboy." Jack rarely ever used my first name. He thought it was weird and he hated it, but when he did use it, he meant business. Despite the fact Jack was a little drunk, I knew he was being serious.

"We have to get him out of there. He's been in that environment for too long. We got the money. Let's go get him."

"Jack, we don't even exactly know where he's at."

"Well we can start looking!" Jack throw his hands in the air, and I felt a little annoyed. "Look Ponyboy, I need to get my brother away from them. I'm all he has. Do you know what it is like for someone to take away the only thing that truly matters to you?"

Jack apparently didn't know me at all. My parents had died when I was 13, and a year later I was stripped of the remaining family I had. The reason I truly became friends with Jack is because he kind of understood. His mom was dead and his dad was most likely in prison or dead. Who actually knows? Jack hasn't seen or heard anything about his father since his mom had died.

Jack shook his head. "Okay, I didn't mean it the way you're probably thinking, Curtis. I mean, We both had shitty lives, but they weren't the same. I've experienced different crap than you have."

"I get it." I didn't. Yes, we had different experiences, but that doesn't mean I didn't understand or relate.

Jack moved towards the door.

"Where are you going?"

"To find him. The place is yours, Ponyboy."

The place was mine?

"Jack, you're not _leaving_ leaving, right?"

He shrugged with his hand on the door knob. "For a couple of days, yes. Don't burn the place down."

Jack opened the door and the cool March air flew in. I stood there. Not exactly sure what to think. That short conversation we were have escalated quickly.

"Jack, you can't just leave. Where are you even going to start looking? Just randomly knock on people's doors and ask? He could be anywhere in the state."

Jack shrugged. His eyes were drunk and determined at the same time. "I'll find him."

I wished him good luck and let him walk out the door. The apartment was mine for the moment. Honestly though, I've been living here for the past eight ish months and it still never felt like home to me. There was never any color, it always smelled of alcohol and other substances… it just never was a happy place. I kind of hated it. But hey, it was my home for the time. I had money, it was great for my circumstance. But I needed to leave.

Maybe not permanently. Jack was going to be gone for a few days. Maybe I should leave for a few days.

_I just don't want this life anymore. _

oOo

"Soooo-daaaaa. What's your favorite color?"

My big brother looked at me and grinned. He stuffed the orange crayon into my tiny fist. "Orange! Like the sunset!"

"Orange is my favorite color!" I giggled, and started scribbling onto the paper, filling in the shirt I drew on my brother.

"Soooo-daaaaa, what's Darry's favorite color?"

Soda pushed his lips to the side and thought strongly and vigorously about it. Before I knew it, his face lit up with smiles and he handed me over the pink crayon. "Don't tell him I told you, okay?"

Soda laughed. I giggled. Pink was a _girl's_ color; girls have cooties. Cooties were gross and could possibly kill you. I wasn't ready to die yet.

"Darry's weird," I said and began to color Darry's shirt pink because it was his favorite color.

"Don't tell him that either, Pony." I smiled and nodded. Whatever Soda said I did. Soda and me were buddies. I trusted him.

I shoved the stick drawing of me and my two older brothers towards Soda. He jumped up off the wood floor we were laying down on and broke a few of my crayons in the process.

"WOW!" Soda marveled. His voice was excited and I giggled. "Gee. Look at the color, the lines…. This is perfect. This must go in a museum! This will hang in a museum!"

Soda took off running with my drawing. I followed him into the kitchen as he hung it on the fridge by magnets with my other drawings.

"Mom! Look at this new piece of art," Soda said to my mother, who was doing the dishes.

"Why it's beautiful!" My mother looked at me and smiled. "We're going to have an artist in the family alright!"

"And he's gonna be the bestest artist in the entire whole wide galaxy!" Soda exclaimed, still looking at the picture. A moment passed and Soda grabbed my wrist. "Let's go make another one!"

oOo

I woke up from my dream. I vaguely remember that memory. Honestly, that was one of the first things I remembered. Of course, Darry's favorite color wasn't pink though. Soda just thought it'd be funny. I wish I was still that four year old kid who really didn't give a care about anything because I didn't have to. I wish it was just that easy right now.

I needed to get out of here. I just can't stay here. I got up off the couch and went looking for my backpack. I wasn't _leaving_ leaving. Jack didn't actually leave and I wasn't going to actually leave either. This place was my home for the time being. But I needed to leave. And I knew exactly where I was going to go. I put a t-shirt, jeans, and few pairs of underwear in my bag before stuffing it with the cash I have collected as my share from Jack.

I was going to Tulsa. I was going to go home. I haven't spoken to my brothers in eight months. I haven't seen them in… well actually I don't exactly remember when I last seen them, but I remember they visited me in the boys home once. I don't remember how long ago that was. Point is, it's been a very long time. Jack was gone. I had money. I wasn't working. I had time.

I just hope they don't judge me. I've changed. I'm not the same person I was since I left, nor am I the same person I was since I last spoke to Soda on my birthday.

I was different but I hope that didn't matter.

I was different and I was going to go home.

* * *

**Well, it's not the best update. But hey, sometimes crappy writing can help pull you out of a slump, right? We'll see. Thank you so much for reading. I highly appreciate it! Thanks for people who are still reading this despite the year wait. **

**Shout out to** **_TokioSasusaku0723_ for reminding me to update and being very supportive about it. Also shout out to _Moonwalking-Greaser_ for being awesome and supportive and cheering me on as I wrote the second half of this hopefully considered _decent _chapter. You two are awesome. Best wishes.**

**Please feel free to review. They do always encourage me to write even when I don't want to. So help me out?**

**-Michelle Loves Chocolate 99**


End file.
